My mum has died and I have no one.

Hi everyone.

My mum died almost 3 weeks ago and I’m totally lost. She was only diagnosed about 6 weeks before she died. She had extensive small cell lung cancer and when she was diagnosed we knew it was terminal but had no idea it would be so quick. They said they could do palliative chemo which could maybe give her 6 months or so. She only managed 1 round of chemo and died 2 weeks later. She had been unwell for about 4 months before but kept putting off going to the doctors.

When she was in hospital a relative who lives far away came to help me and she has been such a great help with helping getting things organised etc. However after 5 weeks here she will be returning home in 2 days. And I will be all alone. My father died 5 years ago and I have no siblings. Not married and no children. No family at all within a 6 hour drive. It was only ever me and my parents, then just me and my mum for the last 5 years. (I do live alone but visited 4-5 times a week and called daily). I do have friends but I just don’t feel comfortable asking them for help. I only ever asked my mum for help. And now she’s gone.

I also feel so guilty that I could have done more to help her. I admit I didn’t cope well when she was diagnosed and think I tried to be too normal so I worry it looked to her like I didn’t care. (We were never an overly emotional family though) but I wish I’d said more. Let her know how much I loved her etc. I hope she knew even though we never said it to each other through words. Instead of telling her gossip from work I could have told her I loved her. (She used to love hearing gossip!) But I cant change any of that now I know.

This is all just so hard. And I’m so sorry for everyone on this board also going though a loss.

Parents
  • Hi there ... and so so sorry you lost your mum ... I had 2 other sister's when our mum passed ... and can't imagine how you do all that on your own, but I'm so glad you did have someone in these early days ... l can see your dreading her going back ... 

    There's no easy way through that raw first year .. but I bet there's very few of us who don't wish we'd done something differently or said things while we had the chance ... that's part of being human ... but think how your mum would have been without you there in those last months ...

    And as someone with cancer,  I loved normal .... otherwise everything in our lives revolve around cancer ... and you acting "normal" was a breath of fresh air not to have to talk about it ... so forgive yourself .. you did the best you could ... l bet she's very proud of her girl ...

    Later when things settle, I found helping out and volunteering helped fill a hole in my life ... McMillan was really good ... I visited people with cancer who just wanted a chat ... and there's many other charities crying out for volunteers. . It won't take the pain away , but it does help to fill that space you need help with ... so sending you a big hug ... always here if you want someone to chat too ... Chrissie x

Reply
  • Hi there ... and so so sorry you lost your mum ... I had 2 other sister's when our mum passed ... and can't imagine how you do all that on your own, but I'm so glad you did have someone in these early days ... l can see your dreading her going back ... 

    There's no easy way through that raw first year .. but I bet there's very few of us who don't wish we'd done something differently or said things while we had the chance ... that's part of being human ... but think how your mum would have been without you there in those last months ...

    And as someone with cancer,  I loved normal .... otherwise everything in our lives revolve around cancer ... and you acting "normal" was a breath of fresh air not to have to talk about it ... so forgive yourself .. you did the best you could ... l bet she's very proud of her girl ...

    Later when things settle, I found helping out and volunteering helped fill a hole in my life ... McMillan was really good ... I visited people with cancer who just wanted a chat ... and there's many other charities crying out for volunteers. . It won't take the pain away , but it does help to fill that space you need help with ... so sending you a big hug ... always here if you want someone to chat too ... Chrissie x

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