So, so unfair. I hope you are going okay.

It's just so frustrating, I'm starting uni next year and she should be there for me. WHen we found out, she'd tell me she wished she could be there to pick me up some days and we could go out for coffee together.. and she won't be here for so many milestones, and not even milestones, she just won't be here at all. I wish I could spoil her so much, I wish I had the years to do that with her. 

Thank you for your words x

Me too. You hear about cancer and all that, but you never expect it to affect you. To be honest, I can't even believe it has affected my family. I can't believe it had to affect my mum. Can't even comprehend it all, really.

I feel like now, as I am older and finished highschool and going into the world of adulthood and starting uni, this is a whole new chapter of my life that I should be sharing with her. I should be going out with her to coffee, which she would have loved.. she would be so excited with me now, getting ready for uni.. it's just so unfair, she would have loved this time in our lives and she can't even be here.

Her own mum died when she was young too, I think she was still a few years older than me at the time, but still young, and she used to say how she never wanted to leave my brother and I like how her own mum did. She deserved so much better. I wish I could spoil her so much.

Sorry for your loss.. I'm sorry for your mum also x

Hi there!

I've only just seen this now. It's coming up to two years now for me, which is insane. I've grown so much since 2017, and somehow it makes the life I had with my mum in it seem so much more distant. I lost her at 18, so I'll never really know her as an adult, which sucks, because I keep noticing things about myself that remind me of her. 

Thanks for leaving this message (even though I've only just seen it).

This world doesn't make sense, and I will never truly wrap my head around the fact that my mum is gone. I think about her everyday. It's not as sore as it was, but there will always be a mum-sized hole in my life that will never be filled.

I'm sorry about your loss. I hope you're doing okay.

Hi Jess

I have just come across this thread and what you wrote 2 years ago is exactly how I am feeling now. I am 25 and lost my mother last night and I honestly do not know how I am going to cope. Today has been the longest day ever and I don’t know how I am going to face everyday. I have so many questions about where mum is now and can she see me etc (just like you did) and it hurts so much to know that I will never know for sure. I have seen other threads where people say they feel the presence of their loved ones but I don’t :( 

when she died I immediately felt an empty feeling; like something has left my body. It hasn’t returned. I feel broken. 

How have you coped these past few years? How have you managed to wake up and face each day? I don’t think I am going to be able to and I have no-one to talk to so I would be so grateful if you could reply

Alice x

Alice I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I'm so sorry about your mum too. 

I also felt completely and irreparably broken when I lost my mum. I didn't know if I could and I also didn't really want to ever be happy again. All the light in the world seemed to go dark when I lost her. 

I actually found a comment on Reddit recently by someone who described grief very well and I'll link it here for you. www.reddit.com/.../

I'm not even sure how to answer your question on how I've coped these past two years. The thing is, the pull of time is inevitable. The loss of my mum gets further and further away as each day goes by, and at first I hated that so much. I hated that somehow time was distancing me further and further from my mum. There's no answer to how I, or I think anyone has 'coped'. I think it's more a matter of just carrying on. Which is sh*t. I'm sorry I can't answer your question properly. 

There will always be a mum-sized hole in my life that will never be filled. I have moments these days where it suddenly hits me that she's gone (still something I'll never actually comprehend). And there's no bigger mind f*ck than a realisation like that. 

I lost my mum at 18, so I never really knew her as an adult. Which sucks so much. Especially because as I get older, I begin to realise just how similar I am to her. Sometimes I say things and it feels like I am her, because it's just like something she'd say. 

There's truly not a day that goes by where I don't think about her. But now, mostly, I can think about her and be okay. 

I still write to my mum in a diary. You should write to your mum. Whenever you remember something, write it down. If you want to tell her something, write something addressed to her. 

This world is so bloody unfair and things happen which just will never make sense to me. It can be a cruel and meaningless universe we live in. 

I'll be here for you to chat to x 

Hi Jess

Thank you so much for your reply. 

I feel the same way you did/do. I get what you mean about time passing but I don’t want time to pass without mum. I don’t want to do anything without her. We were best friends and did everything together. I don’t want time to pass without her. In fact, I want to turn the clock back as I don’t understand how she was here a few days ago but is no longer here. I just feel so confused. I just don’t get it and I don’t see how I’m meant to move on and live my life. I’m devastated and empty.

Im so sorry you were so young when you lost your mum. I thought 25 was bad but 18 is more heartbreaking. I’m sure she would be sooo proud of you for trying to continue either your life.  

The reddit comment that you linked is really interesting and from my short and limited experience it appears to sum up grief well. At the moment, sometimes I’m ‘okay’ (or as okay as I can be at this time I guess) and then out of nowhere it will hit me and I cry and scream. I guess it’s very very early days for me, it hasn’t even been 48 hours. My emotions change hourly. Sometimes I feel like it hasn’t hit me yet.

Thank you for suggesting that I keep a diary, I think that’s a good idea. All I want to do is speak to my mum again. I wish there was a way to make that happen. I don’t know how I can live without her. I feel lost and devastated.

Alice x

Hey Alice,

Just checking in with you.

I'm sure it's all still something you're struggling to wrap your head around. I hope you don't have to work or you have a bit of a break now over the new year to have some time to yourself.

It hurts so much but you shouldn't be afraid to talk about her and bring up her memories with your family/friends. I always (and still kind of do) struggled with telling people my mum was sick, or that she had passed... never be afraid to talk about her. 

Your mum will always be with you in your heart and in your actions. I am who I am so much because of my mum, I just wish she could be here to see it. 

And I know what you mean. When I lost my mum, all I wanted was to tell her how much I love her. And I couldn't and still can't even do something as simple as that. 

I remember thinking it was like I'd lost one of my pillars in life, losing my mum. 

Sending hugs to you.

Jess

Hi Jess

Thank you so much for checking in with me. 

I feel all over the place at the moment, sometimes I feel “okay” and other times I’m devastated. All I want is for mum to be here, I don’t know how to go on without her. I often think I want to tell her something and then remember I can’t. It’s dreadful. 

Im lucky that work are being really supportive and have said I can have as much time off as a I need. I think I am going to need a long time off. I feel I’m getting worse, not better. I know it’s still early days. 

I just don’t know how to start rebuilding my life. I have tried to go out but it was too hard and I got really anxious. 

Thanks so much for your message

alice xxx

Hey Alice,

My high school music teacher sent me this piece to listen to shortly after my mum passed. 

www.youtube.com/watch

It's so beautiful. 

These are the lyrics:

Bleib bei uns, denn es will Abend werden.Und der Tag hat sich geneiget.
Stay with us, for the evening will come.And the day has bowed down.

This is another one of my favourite pieces of music ever:

www.youtube.com/watch

It's just so heartbreakingly beautiful and the lyrics are equally as beautiful. 

Look after yourself x