Hello Antoni,

My sincere sympathy on the loss of your Mom. I think that what you are describing is a coming to terms with your grief. We all develop different coping strategies and putting up the wall as you describe is one way of coping.

I don't think that there is the remotest possibility that you will forget her altogether. You will just compartmentalise her, for your own sanity. We cannot let our grief eat away at us until we are quivering wrecks.I am sure that your Mom wouldn't want this either. She would want you to do your best in life to make her proud of all your achievements.

I lost my mother to cancer in 1997 and I still miss her every day. It took me several years to accept that she was no longer with us, but I have now come to accept it and am able to cope with my loss.

This has allowed me to move forward with my life and to instill in my children the values that she instilled in me.

Do not beat yourself up about the way you feel. It is  often difficult to recall happier times when you have in your mind a clearer picture of how your Mom was at the end. You will gradually find that the better memories start to come to the fore when the end stage ones begin to disappear.

A year is not a long time to get over a bereavement. Just go with the flow at present and don't try to fight it. It will all turn out good in the end.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I'm so glad I've read this, I lost my mum last year on 30th June, I honestly can't remember much about her at all which breaks my heart because we were so ridiculously close. It's such a weird feeling isn't it?! I try so hard to go over in my head what her mannerisms were like and what she sounded like and I just can't imagine it anymore which is so bizarre! I thought it was just my way of dealing with things as I tend to just stick things at the back of my mind. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that you're as ok as you can be x 

Hi Sarah,

First I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad (maybe the wrong word) that I am not the only one that feels the same way as I was and am feeling guilty over it. It is a very weird feeling indeed and just so hard to understand. Like you I was very close to my mother, she was my best friend and we made a lifetime of memories yet I just can't picture them when I try to remember. It's like my mind has put her in a little box and has hidden it in order to try and shield me from the pain of losing her. I am hoping, and hope the same for you as well, that in time we will remember all the memories we made with our moms.

If you ever want to talk then please feel free to friend me and send messages.. i also hope you are as good as you can be x

God Bless

Antoni x

Hi Antoni, 

Thank you, i've just added you as a friend :) 

Yes its very bizare, I think about mum constantly throughout the day but I can only remember what she was like just before she died but not when she was her usual self. Sometimes I say something and someone will tell me that I sounded just like mum then and I stand there trying so hard to remember her doing that and I cant!
Do you have pictures/videos of your mum? Mum hated pictures so we only have a few pictures and no videos which I regret so much! x

My mom died when I was 15 and I can't remember her at all which I don't understand! I should be able to remember things we did together but I really don't. It upsets me so much. My dads dead now and my brothers don't feel comfortable talking about her. Am I just blotting my memories of her out? 

Hi Antoni, and first of all,  may I  offer my sincere condolences to you.  Your reaction is completely normal........whatever 'normal' might be.  I lost my Mum to cancer in 1997, and I remember feeling just as you are feeling now.  I felt ashamed of myself.........I felt like a freak of nature........I could not understand why I didn't seem to feel any emotions about her death at all.  However, as the years have gone by, I  have started to feel deep pain and grief over losing her.  For many people, we build a wall around ourselves, which you have already mentioned.   It is our way of coping with the pain.......we blot it out of our minds because it is the only way that we can get through the days.  There will come a time when you will be able to think about your Mum and the good times that you shared and you will find that the pain has eased in to a sad kind of acceptance.  You will never completely get over losing your Mum, but give yourself time, and you will find that you have accepted that she has gone, even though you will never stop missing her.  Take care, and once again, I offer my deepest sympathy to you, xx