Need to talk..my name is jess I'm 37 ..

.. im devastated  lost my partner  tony who was 36 to stomach cancer he passed away in my arms on 4th December  2015 ... just 2 months ago 

He was diagnosed  just 4 months before we was told he had a year and with treatment possibly longer ... we didn't get the chance to sort or arrange  or get anything  set in stone as we was gonna get over Xmas and start to deal with things. ..we was in so much shock to find out he had cancer and was gonna die that the shock took over everything  every day was hard ... 

We was ment to get married the day he died in fact it was booked for half 9 in morning but he died at 6 .. we didn't even make it ... before tony was diagnosed  we had so many plans to marry to have kids together  to travel etc.... we didn't get to do any of that... God I miss him terribly  .. I dont want to be here no more ... a part of me died the day tony died ... 

I have tried to get help from everywhere doctors friends searching constantly  on line ... I have had 3 bereavement  sessions so far no nothing seems to help i have friends  I talk to but nothing seems to help i know everyone saying it's still so early and raw  but I can't take this the pain is there all the time the tears are constant crying all the time .the feeling sick all the time the anxiety I don't sleep till about 4 or 5 only for few hours and I have horrible dreams  ... thousands  of things running through my head the guilt the anger the whats ifs etc....

I looked after my tony my love.. I was there 24 7 by his side ..took control of his Meds appointmentso everything  as he couldn't take it all in ... now I'm here and he isn't. This is cruel illness and world I just want to be with him .......... help ...