Ditto that on the cinema

a few weeks ago I took myself off to see the Revenant on the huge Imax screen, quite a sensory overload winter landscapes of the Rocky mountains on a truely gigantic screen.

It took a bit of doing - I think it was the first time I'd ever been to the cinema on my own - you kind of feel people are looking at you funny, even though they aren't - does that sound odd?

It's the little routines that you used to have that can be the hardest - we always used to record Gardeners World and watch it when we got up on a Saturday morning. Mel died just as it was going off air in October and I've just noticed it's back on this Friday - Not sure about Saturday morning now but I dare say that after a few weeks I'll have gotten over it.

I wonder how many other little challenges we'll all have to face - there's the obvious ones like the Wedding anniverseries, birthdays etc. but it's the little routines like that that catch you unawares.

Well you know how you eat an elephant - One day at a time!

( I do love a deliverately mixed metaphor :) )

Peach, glad it's not just me who puts his favourite stuff on the tv! feel a bit more normal now - thanks

Graham, love the metaphor!

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply, hugs to you all

Debbie xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Graham and everyone here,

I still have not made it to the cinema though I could go to silver screen showings and would probably find quite a few people on their own there but am not ready for that leap yet.  On the other hand I have been out for a meal in a restaurant in the evening (never did have problems eating alone at lunchtimes) and still take a paper or book for company.  Why do we feel we are being 'assessed' when by ourselves - not sure but I like eating out and so it's a challenge I set myself.

Making big decisions regarding the house took me a whole year of thinking but finally I am having the work done and our children are delighted (not that they have lived at home for some years).

All the 'firsts' were emotionally hard but now I am starting the 'second time' with hubby's birthday just after Easter and it's the build up to these dates  I often find the hardest and then  manage them somehow.

As I keep telling myself, life will be forever different but I know my hubby would not be happy with me being miserable.  Yes, he was taken away from me but his memory will always live on inside me and our children and even the eldest grandchild talks openly about him which is wonderful.  At the end of May our  son is due to become a father for the first time and he will definitely need my support then. His Dad would be hugely proud of both of them, as am I and as I never had grandads myself  think I will understand his feelings (mostly quietly unspoken) but the new arrival will, in time, be told all about her grandad and that is something I never had.

This new journey is not easy but I tell myself it is do-able and I will keep on trying as so many of us have to do.

Sending peace and hugs to you all and thank you for being part of the forum that offers a special kind of understanding.  Jules

Hi everyone,

I need a pep talk, I am really stuggling now that the weather is getting better and the days are getting longer it just makes me miss Sam more and more and all the things we used to do in the nice weather, going for walks and pottering round the garden, I was really down at the weekend and still feeling really teary the future seems so bleak.  I am sorry all I seem to do is take off this forum - I am not great at giving advice.

Debbie xxxxxxx

Oh Debbie please there is no need to say sorry for needing support whether it's from the forum or family and friends. Everywhere we look there are reminders of what used to be, and what we wish still could be ,and it  is hard facing doing them alone.  I have always been the 'main' gardener because my hubby travelled away a lot on business and the place would have become a jungle if left to its own devices.  Having said that when the kids were young he used to grow veggies and was good at that side of things. I have given that a miss and turned the area into a 'wildlife corner' which is more my thing.   A lady I used to chat to in my early days on the forum also loved to garden with her husband and her way of 'managing' without him was to make a part of the garden 'dedicated' to plants he loved and she found that quite a re-assuring place to sit once the work was complete.

It would be better if we did not have to face these difficult times but that would just tell us that we had not loved so much that it has to hurt because of our loss. Being tearful helps release the emotions we feel and I still have 'welling up moments' and then make a cuppa and I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent trying to analyse the process of grief but nothing can change what we have lost but eventually we can choose how best to remember those special times which we will carry in our hearts always.

I have just returned from a long weekend with my daughter  and it was good to be able to have some 'instant chat' again. I miss the spontaneity of casual conversation.  I also now have builders/decorators in for the next few weeks or so which is giving me some company as well as enabling me to seemy project take shape in someone else's hands. (still a little hard knowing I would not  be achieving this particular goal if I had not been widowed; hey ho).

Sending hugs. Jules x

Hi

I'm so sorry you're suffering.  I know exactly how you feel.  I lost my husband at the end of 2012. He also had prostate cancer which had spread to his bones and lungs.  He was in hospital the night before and we celebrated his 49th birthday.  We knew he didn't have much time but we thought he was coming home and he was OK that night.  I tried to stay,  maybe I had a sixth sense but the hospital made me leave around 1am as it was a mens ward. I got a call the next morning to come as he was seriously unwell.  I couldn't understand how he'd deteriorated so drastically from the night before. The hospital helped set up a wedding for us as it had been our plan to marry but he was always in and out of hospital.  We got married at 4pm and he died 3 hrs later. I died too, inside.  For the first year I just gave up.  Wouldn't leave the house or even my bed. I was always afraid, add much as I'd been when he was alive and always so ill.  I had no one to turn to and only just discovered this forum 10 minutes ago!  He was the life and soul and I was not.  All the fun and joy went with him.  I took to praying, morning and night,  something I had never done.  I asked God to get me through. And for me that worked,  He did.   A year later I got up and became a carer to try and take my mind off the memories that played in my head over and over like a video on loop.  What I could have done,  what I should have done, that I left him that night, that I didn't get him home to die like I'd promised, the medication I'd allowed them to give him that last day that I was sure hag something to do with his dying so suddenly.  It's 3 years now and I'm still a little broken.  I quit the carers job last month as I just exhausted myself. My head is still messed up and I still can't remove his things but that darkness has gone away. It went away during that first year and when I prayed and I can see light.  All you can do is focus on one or two good memories.  The ones that made you laugh and smile and happy and every time you feel yourself descending recall these memories.  They will get you through. That I can promise. I wish you well and pray that you can somehow find peace. Xxx

Hi Debby, I too feel unhappy with the first signs of spring. My husband and I loved may best. It doesnt seem right that birds are singing and leaves growing and all the walks we can no longer do together. It makes me feel desperate. The long dark winter seemed more appropriate in tone...although the lonely evenings were and still are hard to deal with. 

My husbands symptoms began in may 2015, I feel like this year I will relive what happened last year...my life is on hold. I am stuck and so terribly sad. And lost. Do keep in touch and let us know how you are. Take care...

Hi MoonAndStars i know how hard it is and when spring or winter comes round all you want is your hubby by your side. Like you I often wondered what it would be like if the tables were turned and I was on my hubbys position. I know he wouldn't be able to handle it seeing me go through it and I always did do everything for him. Gave him his mediation in the morning and night i could be giving him poison and he wouldn't know. My husband died in the middle of 2012 of prostate cancer. Was very hard for me at the beginning. Like you I felt my house had lost its soul. But as time went on I became more independent. He died on the year of our 50th anniversary and it was hard when thinking about that as well. What helped was I had my kids and grandkids. Then when I got diagnosed with cancer last year they were very supportive luckily I'm in remission now but all I thought about was my hubby and I wished he was helping me by my side. But I know he was helping me just not visibly. Take care -Diane 

Hi AJNOSL,

Your story sounds so familiar, Sam had prostate cancer which spread to his bones and lungs, but he also suffered a head injury after falling down the stairs.  Like you I left the hospital thiking he was getting better and would soon be home and got a call at 6am to say he had deteriorated, he never regained consciousness and passed away in my arms at 4.30.  I have so many regrets about leaving him that night also about his illness from the start, maybe if I had been more pushy, got second opinions etc. he would still be here.  Also Sam, like your husband was the life and soul the fun one and I am the quieter one.  I miss him so much, I have good support from family and friends but as you will know the only person you want, your soulmate, that special someone who is always on your side has gone forever and its breaking my heart.  Thanks for your post and welcome to the fourm.

Take care Debbie xxxx 

Moonandstars,

It so painful isn't it, I feel so anxious about the spring and summer, the long days without him, he brought so much joy into my life, we loved every day together.  

Thank you for your reply, take care Debbiexxxxxx