Thanks for your reply cg, sorry took so long to reply but sometimes it's too distressing to come on this site there is so much sadness and I find my self searching through trying to find someone with the exact circumstances as me but I know everyone's experience is different. Hope you are doing ok xxxxxx

Hi Deban so sorry for your loss I lost my husband 3 years ago to terminal prostate cancer when he finally found out he was just devastated he told me he couldn't bare to leave me this way but I assured him I would be fine. He looked fine until the last 5 days of his life then he went down rapidly and the cancer just kept spreading and spreading even though he was terminal and he was in agony even the pain killers were not helping. I spent nights upon nights by his side at hospital and at my age it was a struggle to not have sleep and food I found he stress was causing me headaches etc and then he passed away but I was glad more than anything cause he was out of pain and at rest. At the funeral I was hysterical though and I promised I would keep it together. Anyway take care hope to hear from you -Diane X

Hi All,

Yesterday was horrible, the sun was shining and the smell of sping was is the air and I just crumbled.  I wanted Sam to come home and we could go for a walk or just walk round the garden looking at the spring flowers like we always did.  The future looks so bleak without him I want to do the things we used to do together but just can't.  I can't bring my self to go out for a walk without him by my side, IT HURTS SO MUCH! 

Debbie

Hi ~Debbie

Some days are just awful aren't they. Having our hubby's by our side would mean so much but it's just not meant to be.  I can hear the hurt in your post and I know I have said it before but grieving seems to have so many aspects to it.  I am hoping that one day when you wake, whilst still thinking of Sam, there will be a feeling of peace even though you feel that's not possible just now.  For me personally I had to reach 'acceptance of hubby's passing before I found the inner courage to achieve things alone. You are still very raw and in the early months of loss.  I was still seeing my GP once a month at the stage you are now and able to talk through my feelings but timescales are just that.  If I could not face doing something on my own I asked a friend to come with me and when the time was right I took the next step. Wherever you are, Sam will be in your heart and nothing can take that away. Sending hugs. Jules x

Thanks Jules, I don't want to do that stuff with anyone else it just makes me sadder.  Just going to be one of those rubbish weeks,  already the car has an oil leak and the washing machine won't spin - all things Sam would have just sorted (feeling sorry for myself) thanks again.  Debbie xxxx

Aww Deban your having it rough just now. And all goes wrong when things are bad as it is right been there my self. I think the only way you will get past this phase is just to try and get on with life the way it was and trust me it's hard the first year generally is the worst but the years afterwards it does get easier. A lot of things around the house that have broke or needed renewed always were done by hubby and then when he died and it was just me I had to learn to do some of it like painting I can paint my walls though don't do it now I worry about falling as I get dizzy now at this old age. Just stay strong at the end of the day We don't  get over it but we slowly just learn to get on with life -Diane x

Yes that's how I felt when I had no washing machine and had to go an order a new one. Do not drive so used to rely on hubby for that too. Sometimes too many obstacles to overcome when we are feeling low and just have to hope the next small step will be a bit easier.  It's not a case of feeling sorry for yourself; you are missing your soulmate like hell and just wish it could all be as it was. Jules x

Hi Debby, you are not alone..I feel so lost and lonely, its so hard...my husband died 7 months ago...I have been away from home for six weeks...I dread being there without him...I am goimg "home" today and feel so anxious..how it will feel...will it be overwhelming....I am lucky I have friends around me...I dont like to be alone...everything is so painful...I wish I could feel safe at home and get on with it..but it hasnt worked out that way ..yet...take care

Thanks Moonandstars, sor sorry you lost your husband.

I am the other way round to you - I don't like being away from home for too long,that is where I feel closest to Sam, if I am away for too long I get anxious and need to get back to 'be with him' silly I know, I even put the Rugby on TV on saturday so that he could watch it how ridiculous is that! and yes it is lonely.  Hope everything goes ok when you get home, let us know how you get on.  Take care Debbie xxxxxx 

Hi Diane

Thanks for your reply, hope you are feeling ok, it was just one of those days yesterday Sam and I just loved springtime, watching all the changes in the Garden.  Take care Debbie xxxx

Hi

I'm so sorry you're suffering.  I know exactly how you feel.  I lost my husband at the end of 2012. He also had prostate cancer which had spread to his bones and lungs.  He was in hospital the night before and we celebrated his 49th birthday.  We knew he didn't have much time but we thought he was coming home and he was OK that night.  I tried to stay,  maybe I had a sixth sense but the hospital made me leave around 1am as it was a mens ward. I got a call the next morning to come as he was seriously unwell.  I couldn't understand how he'd deteriorated so drastically from the night before. The hospital helped set up a wedding for us as it had been our plan to marry but he was always in and out of hospital.  We got married at 4pm and he died 3 hrs later. I died too, inside.  For the first year I just gave up.  Wouldn't leave the house or even my bed. I was always afraid, add much as I'd been when he was alive and always so ill.  I had no one to turn to and only just discovered this forum 10 minutes ago!  He was the life and soul and I was not.  All the fun and joy went with him.  I took to praying, morning and night,  something I had never done.  I asked God to get me through. And for me that worked,  He did.   A year later I got up and became a carer to try and take my mind off the memories that played in my head over and over like a video on loop.  What I could have done,  what I should have done, that I left him that night, that I didn't get him home to die like I'd promised, the medication I'd allowed them to give him that last day that I was sure hag something to do with his dying so suddenly.  It's 3 years now and I'm still a little broken.  I quit the carers job last month as I just exhausted myself. My head is still messed up and I still can't remove his things but that darkness has gone away. It went away during that first year and when I prayed and I can see light.  All you can do is focus on one or two good memories.  The ones that made you laugh and smile and happy and every time you feel yourself descending recall these memories.  They will get you through. That I can promise. I wish you well and pray that you can somehow find peace. Xxx

Hi AJNOSL,

Your story sounds so familiar, Sam had prostate cancer which spread to his bones and lungs, but he also suffered a head injury after falling down the stairs.  Like you I left the hospital thiking he was getting better and would soon be home and got a call at 6am to say he had deteriorated, he never regained consciousness and passed away in my arms at 4.30.  I have so many regrets about leaving him that night also about his illness from the start, maybe if I had been more pushy, got second opinions etc. he would still be here.  Also Sam, like your husband was the life and soul the fun one and I am the quieter one.  I miss him so much, I have good support from family and friends but as you will know the only person you want, your soulmate, that special someone who is always on your side has gone forever and its breaking my heart.  Thanks for your post and welcome to the fourm.

Take care Debbie xxxx 

Hi AJNOSL,

Your story sounds so familiar, Sam had prostate cancer which spread to his bones and lungs, but he also suffered a head injury after falling down the stairs.  Like you I left the hospital thiking he was getting better and would soon be home and got a call at 6am to say he had deteriorated, he never regained consciousness and passed away in my arms at 4.30.  I have so many regrets about leaving him that night also about his illness from the start, maybe if I had been more pushy, got second opinions etc. he would still be here.  Also Sam, like your husband was the life and soul the fun one and I am the quieter one.  I miss him so much, I have good support from family and friends but as you will know the only person you want, your soulmate, that special someone who is always on your side has gone forever and its breaking my heart.  Thanks for your post and welcome to the fourm.

Take care Debbie xxxx