Hi to you all....I understand everything that you've all said and that in a good way makes me feel normal...some days I feel anything but!!!! My lovely Debbie, I echo everything you say and do. I too put the rugby on at the weekend and gave a commentary throughout! I've also told him about the new wonder kid who's scoring all the goals for Man United....my boys just shake their heads, but i'm the one here on my own and I've decided if that's what gets me through the long lonely weekends, so be it. My gorgeous sis and two friends actually took me out to our local cinema on Monday afternoon....silver screen ( you have to be over 55yrs old seemingly to get your free cuppa/biscuits) to see Brooklyn....a beautiful film which we all cried through and I was totally lost in the story. I didn't think of my precious Kev at all and I came away feeling calm and alittle happier. For the last 7mths, I've thought about him every day and night, but that couple of hours of escapism actually made me feel normal again....just for a while. We all need to keep strong and be there for each other and hopefully there'll be more days when we can smile for a while. Sending my love and big hugs...x

Hi to you all....I understand everything that you've all said and that in a good way makes me feel normal...some days I feel anything but!!!! My lovely Debbie, I echo everything you say and do. I too put the rugby on at the weekend and gave a commentary throughout! I've also told him about the new wonder kid who's scoring all the goals for Man United....my boys just shake their heads, but i'm the one here on my own and I've decided if that's what gets me through the long lonely weekends, so be it. My gorgeous sis and two friends actually took me out to our local cinema on Monday afternoon....silver screen ( you have to be over 55yrs old seemingly to get your free cuppa/biscuits) to see Brooklyn....a beautiful film which we all cried through and I was totally lost in the story. I didn't think of my precious Kev at all and I came away feeling calm and alittle happier. For the last 7mths, I've thought about him every day and night, but that couple of hours of escapism actually made me feel normal again....just for a while. We all need to keep strong and be there for each other and hopefully there'll be more days when we can smile for a while. Sending my love and big hugs...x

Ditto that on the cinema

a few weeks ago I took myself off to see the Revenant on the huge Imax screen, quite a sensory overload winter landscapes of the Rocky mountains on a truely gigantic screen.

It took a bit of doing - I think it was the first time I'd ever been to the cinema on my own - you kind of feel people are looking at you funny, even though they aren't - does that sound odd?

It's the little routines that you used to have that can be the hardest - we always used to record Gardeners World and watch it when we got up on a Saturday morning. Mel died just as it was going off air in October and I've just noticed it's back on this Friday - Not sure about Saturday morning now but I dare say that after a few weeks I'll have gotten over it.

I wonder how many other little challenges we'll all have to face - there's the obvious ones like the Wedding anniverseries, birthdays etc. but it's the little routines like that that catch you unawares.

Well you know how you eat an elephant - One day at a time!

( I do love a deliverately mixed metaphor :) )

Peach, glad it's not just me who puts his favourite stuff on the tv! feel a bit more normal now - thanks

Graham, love the metaphor!

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply, hugs to you all

Debbie xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Graham and everyone here,

I still have not made it to the cinema though I could go to silver screen showings and would probably find quite a few people on their own there but am not ready for that leap yet.  On the other hand I have been out for a meal in a restaurant in the evening (never did have problems eating alone at lunchtimes) and still take a paper or book for company.  Why do we feel we are being 'assessed' when by ourselves - not sure but I like eating out and so it's a challenge I set myself.

Making big decisions regarding the house took me a whole year of thinking but finally I am having the work done and our children are delighted (not that they have lived at home for some years).

All the 'firsts' were emotionally hard but now I am starting the 'second time' with hubby's birthday just after Easter and it's the build up to these dates  I often find the hardest and then  manage them somehow.

As I keep telling myself, life will be forever different but I know my hubby would not be happy with me being miserable.  Yes, he was taken away from me but his memory will always live on inside me and our children and even the eldest grandchild talks openly about him which is wonderful.  At the end of May our  son is due to become a father for the first time and he will definitely need my support then. His Dad would be hugely proud of both of them, as am I and as I never had grandads myself  think I will understand his feelings (mostly quietly unspoken) but the new arrival will, in time, be told all about her grandad and that is something I never had.

This new journey is not easy but I tell myself it is do-able and I will keep on trying as so many of us have to do.

Sending peace and hugs to you all and thank you for being part of the forum that offers a special kind of understanding.  Jules

Hi everyone,

I need a pep talk, I am really stuggling now that the weather is getting better and the days are getting longer it just makes me miss Sam more and more and all the things we used to do in the nice weather, going for walks and pottering round the garden, I was really down at the weekend and still feeling really teary the future seems so bleak.  I am sorry all I seem to do is take off this forum - I am not great at giving advice.

Debbie xxxxxxx

Oh Debbie please there is no need to say sorry for needing support whether it's from the forum or family and friends. Everywhere we look there are reminders of what used to be, and what we wish still could be ,and it  is hard facing doing them alone.  I have always been the 'main' gardener because my hubby travelled away a lot on business and the place would have become a jungle if left to its own devices.  Having said that when the kids were young he used to grow veggies and was good at that side of things. I have given that a miss and turned the area into a 'wildlife corner' which is more my thing.   A lady I used to chat to in my early days on the forum also loved to garden with her husband and her way of 'managing' without him was to make a part of the garden 'dedicated' to plants he loved and she found that quite a re-assuring place to sit once the work was complete.

It would be better if we did not have to face these difficult times but that would just tell us that we had not loved so much that it has to hurt because of our loss. Being tearful helps release the emotions we feel and I still have 'welling up moments' and then make a cuppa and I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent trying to analyse the process of grief but nothing can change what we have lost but eventually we can choose how best to remember those special times which we will carry in our hearts always.

I have just returned from a long weekend with my daughter  and it was good to be able to have some 'instant chat' again. I miss the spontaneity of casual conversation.  I also now have builders/decorators in for the next few weeks or so which is giving me some company as well as enabling me to seemy project take shape in someone else's hands. (still a little hard knowing I would not  be achieving this particular goal if I had not been widowed; hey ho).

Sending hugs. Jules x

Hi Debby, I too feel unhappy with the first signs of spring. My husband and I loved may best. It doesnt seem right that birds are singing and leaves growing and all the walks we can no longer do together. It makes me feel desperate. The long dark winter seemed more appropriate in tone...although the lonely evenings were and still are hard to deal with. 

My husbands symptoms began in may 2015, I feel like this year I will relive what happened last year...my life is on hold. I am stuck and so terribly sad. And lost. Do keep in touch and let us know how you are. Take care...

Hi MoonAndStars i know how hard it is and when spring or winter comes round all you want is your hubby by your side. Like you I often wondered what it would be like if the tables were turned and I was on my hubbys position. I know he wouldn't be able to handle it seeing me go through it and I always did do everything for him. Gave him his mediation in the morning and night i could be giving him poison and he wouldn't know. My husband died in the middle of 2012 of prostate cancer. Was very hard for me at the beginning. Like you I felt my house had lost its soul. But as time went on I became more independent. He died on the year of our 50th anniversary and it was hard when thinking about that as well. What helped was I had my kids and grandkids. Then when I got diagnosed with cancer last year they were very supportive luckily I'm in remission now but all I thought about was my hubby and I wished he was helping me by my side. But I know he was helping me just not visibly. Take care -Diane 

Moonandstars,

It so painful isn't it, I feel so anxious about the spring and summer, the long days without him, he brought so much joy into my life, we loved every day together.  

Thank you for your reply, take care Debbiexxxxxx   

Hi Debbie,

Like Jules says,never ever apologise for coming onto this forum for support...you are not alone in your sadness and fear of the future. My sis and friends have all said, oooh how lovely that the nights are getting lighter and the days are sunnier etc and part of me shuts down just aliitle bit more. Kev loved his garden and part of me hates the idea of new buds appearing and birds nesting in the trees again...but then I read Jules brilliant words and it's going to spur me on to make this year the best garden ever....in memory of my beautiful man....the tears are falling again. Actually having a good cry does help me. I seem to feel lighter inside and able to see further forward...small steps Debbie, in your own time.

Like Jules I'm changing some decor around the house...treated myself to some new furniture. M&S had a good discount on and my Sparks points have suddenly tripled! I wish with all my heart that Kev could have seen my purchases, but I'm sure he would have approved.

I had a visit to Durham yesterday with my brother ( Kev used to work at the University there). I found it very emotional walking around the cobbled streets, that I know he would have walked  thousands of times, but I'm glad that I've managed to do it...another achievement!

It's going to be a strange summer. Kev was diagnosed in Feb and died on Aug !st and neither of us realised that last summer was to be his last. I still picture him sitting on his sunlounger enjoying his garden....it is hard!  Sending big hugs to all of you. Together we can help each other....and now I'm going to get sorted, time to watch Happy Valley...ha,ha xxxxxx

Hi  Peach

When my hubby chose to grow flowers he always chose Dahlias so last year I decided to try my hand and was delighted when several different varieties gav e me some lovely colour in the Summer.  I took some to his final resting place so, in a small way, shared my achievements with him.  I find the garden rather therapeutic and now sit enjoying the view that my hubby used to have - thought provoking  as I see the view through my own eyes (wishing he could still be sitting here though).

We will all reach different stages of 'recovery' and ' acceptance' when it feels right but I do not think it is something that can be rushed. What I do feel very strongly is that our soul-mates and best friends (which is what our men were in addition to being our other halves)  would be proud of us and want us to carry on enjoying the life we have been blessed with.  Not always an easy journey  but with support and understanding (which is what I found on the forum as well as from friends and family) we can keep each other going.

Sending peaceful thoughts and hugs.  Jules x