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Paul L

PaulDawn
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Hi There, this is my first time on the chat line, just want to here from anyone in my position. My darling wife Dawn sadly passed away 19 June 2012, and it is still so very hard to understand or believe why, I am going round in circles, not wanting to go out but feeling upset if people don't ask me out (brothers and sisters), but then feel guilty when i do out, upset because things just carrying on the same way, I try to keep myself busy, walk our dog for hours, have a part time job, volunteer for our local hospice and ssafa, but the evenings a nightmare, how are you all coping.

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    Hi Paul, welcome to this forum of wonderful people, I am sorry to see the reason you have made contact. Condolences on your loss of Dawn. I don't know what type of illness took her from you. I am sure though she would be wanting you to be living life to the full not feeling guilty at going out. It is normal to feel lost after loved one has gone before us, but we have to pick ourselves up and embrace the future. Sorry if speaking out of turn but a few of us here have lost loved ones. Talking, ranting and raving can help. Best wishes. Kathy.
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi there Kathy, thank you for your reply and the welcome to this forum, plus your kind words and thoughts. Dawn was diagnosed with colon cancer but within 91 days it had passed to every organ in her body, she tried to fight it but didn't stand a chance. She never complained once throughout her battle. You are right Dawn would most definitely want me to live life to the full, but it is so hard, if I see something funny and laugh out loud, I feel ashamed for doing so, I know it will take time, a long time, but chatting with people who understand and getting feed back from people such as yourself will not judge me, for asking for help and advice. Kind regards Paul.
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi there Kathy, thank you for your wonderful responce, I just don't know why it happens but one minute your getting on with little jobs sorting all kinds of stuff out and then Wham, your so lost in yourself, can't be bothered and quite happy to sit moaning to yourself, feeling sorry for yourself, I know Dawn would not be impressed, think she would call me a whimp, a wuss something naughty anyway. I do understand life is precious and the time we have, Dawns passing had taught me that, I know each second should be lived to the max, but still without Dawn it doesn't feel right. A slap or a birch whipping, sorry but a slap anytime, oh dear what are we talking about, can we get arrested for talking like that, oops. Sheba is my new dog, we always had Geaman Shepherds, but sadly 30 September 2014, Zak passed away , and I just couldn't stand it on my own, so I popped into the dogs trust they wouldn't let me have a two year old German Shepard due to the Grandchildren so I brought Sheba home, she's a two year old Siberian Husky crossed with many. I've had her for three months now and she is coming on fine, she loves a cuddle on the sofa, and lays on the bed with me at night, we start with our dog trainer in March so I'm sure she will come on leaps and bounds then. I live on the border between Nottingham and Derby it's quiet but nice, with canals and greenery around us. Nice idea about Max's petition, will have a look and sign in. We used to have a green house for our tomatoes and cucumbers, and a small and I mean small vegetable patch, but I just couldn't be bothered so I got rid, think now it was a bad move, it is a nice feeling to pass on fruit and veg you have grown isn't it. Your are a very caring, giving and positive person, Dawn was always that way, thought of others a lot. Well time has caught up with me I've got to shoot off now and pick up my Grandson George, give him lunch and entertain him until Mark, my son comes from work to pick him up in about 5 hours times. I really do appreciate your positive thoughts, they are a help, and very much appreciated, thank you for your kindness, kind regards Paul
  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn
    Hi Paul, sent you a message last night but due to upgrade didn't save, oh no 24 hrs has gone passed don't know how witty I was but will try and replicate in a mo.
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi again Paul, Sheba sounds absolutely gorgeous hope she responds well to training, I have every confidence she will. What great company she must be. So last night in the epilogue I sent you I am sure I prattled on about Andy Murray. I am so looking forward to the final on Sunday evening our time and may even take the phone off the hook so telemarketers dare not ring me. Hope you had a great time with George, your son must appreciate your help and aren't littlies so precious and they take everything so literally. Visited my son and family on Wednesday and always after a visit my heart tells me to move closer to them but my brain tells me to stay put, where my friends are,my memories are and where better job opportunities are. Being ever practical I think I will stay here, how could I leave my garden.... Haha. I am too young to retire, but who knows, my heart fills with joy when spending time with them.... And life as we both know it too short. Bought a new vacuum bout 3 weeks ago, girlfriends visiting tdy were more excited than I. It's a shark?? Upright very good sucker so I am told. Yeh can't get excited about household goods and if mates want to visit and play with my new toys??? Take care Kathy
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi Kathy, I first thought it is really nice for an Australian lady to be backing a Brit, but Andy is from your birth place isn't he, I really hope he wins tomorrow, it's on the TV at 8:15am so Sheba and I will start to watch but maybe get out for a walk before the final set. We are sat here on the sofa now and I'm going to open a bottle of red shortly, Saturday night treat, Sheba is asleep until I get the nibbles out, but she's not pushy she waits till she's offered, she is wonderful, such good company, so loving. Little George is a cracking lad, he is only 3, but he is the only one who talks to me about Dawn, his last chat was when is Nana coming back, I told him his Nana is in heaven and looking down on us keeping us safe, he is so sincere with his questions, it's so nice. It is hard sometimes isn't it wondering what is the best thing to do, to move or to stay, I myself have nearly moved to live on a narrow boat on the canal, then it was living in a static caravan next to the coast, as Dawn and I lived in Plymouth when I was in the Royal Navy, we had our best times there, but my head was saying one thing and my heart another. You could alway create a new garden, near to where your son lives, but as you say it's the memories of an area. It's no good listening to me though I can't even sort myself out. By the way I've signed up to Macs petition, think it would help a lot of people, may be help them open up a little, it would me, and as you have said before there are wonderful people out there who would and want to help. It would be nice when I have the ability to help someone else, I know it will take time, but it would be so nice to give something back. We in the bereavement talk group are going out for a meal next Saturday lunch time, as I don't like going out much with groups, I'm dreading it. It's weard I don't mind one or two people but can't do groups. Thank you for chatting, because of what you have said I do think of what you have written when I'm feeling sorry for myself and down and it is helping me, thank you, take care, kind regards Paul.
  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn
    Hi Paul, this is my 3rd attempt at responding keep losing the post. Grrrrr. The littles give us great comfort, they have no guile. Do you have George every afternoon? I am getting house prepared for my family who arrive in 5 weeks time. I am boxing up hubby's working away gear, tools , PPE equipment etc and placing in shed to sort though at a later stage, just can't do it yet. I know I will keep his big jackets to wear in winter while sitting out the back, they will be like a coat on me as he was 6 foot 3 and a big bloke whereas I am less than 5 foot, a little shortass. I still have a pair of his boots at the back door ready to give me the proverbial kick if required. Great that you have added your support to Max's petition. I am sure the personal messaging would be very well used if brought back. Sorry must go girlfriend arrived to help me de clutter. Take care Kathy
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi Kathy, i feel so ashamed because i have just read the one you posted about signing cards for one and not two, im so sorry, here i am asking for help when you where in pieces yourself, what an insensitive wally i am, truley sorry. i do feel i do not have the ability to help anyone yet though as i can't seem to help myself, but i am also worried of offending, but for what its worth, i have continued and always will continue to put Dawns name on cards, emails, e-cards, i even buy cards with sister/brother on them for my sister/brother in laws as i just can't bare to not put Dawns name on them. please forgive me, i never want to offend. Dawns wardrobe is still full, cant seem to or don't want to touch her clothes yet either. Dawn was also small, 5ft 2in, she could still scare me though, i knew when to keep quiet. i have little Goerge just Thursday afternoons after he finishes school at 11.30am, but after August he is full time, so i would thing i shall be have his little brother Henry all day Thursdays untill he is ready for school, their mum only works Tuesday and Thursdays. im sure your family will be very supportive in five weeks time, it will be very hard for you all, but i know you will all pull together, and put time aside for thoughts and memories. im not to good with words, but i do only mean the very best for you. take great care, kind regards Paul
  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn
    Good morning Paul, Please don't stress. I had a wobble but bounced back ok, proves I am only human and tears are a necessary emotional release. As always the support given on this site proves invaluable and it gives comfort to know you are not alone when filled with despair. Mother in law has requested a visit so will head up the hill to visit after peak hour traffic has gone. I don't know if she forgets I was there last week but I had intended visiting this week anyway. Will take my tools as they have a bromeliade which needs splitting and repotting. Will leave the gear in the car but if they ask me to do it will have all required with me. It might encourage her to sit outside in the fresh air and talk to me while I am doing it. She is doing well with her walking but I think is a wee bit depressed which once again is understandable. I will need to think of amusing tales to tell her and get her laughing. I would take dog with me but have no air conditioning in the car and today will be 29 so it would be too hot for him. It is great you are able to help out looking after the little ones. They do love helping out around the place. I will get the lad out for a walk before I head off and intend being home late afternoon to get some gardening done, I have a trailer load of horse manure to wheel barrow to an area I have prepared. Little by little I will move it , a few loads a day or half loads. Wish I could clone myself and achieve more each day but when my sisters are here they can assist in other gardening tasks as long as it's not too hot for them, Aach if it is they can get up at 5 am and start then in the cool off the morning, hehe. With sign off for now Paul and get into action. Ps thanks for the info re cards I will do that in future. All the best Kathy
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi there Kathy, thank you for your kind words, so positive as always, i just feel its all one way help, I'm getting help, but unable to help others. I do read some postings but feel as they do and it dose'nt seem right or feel right to answer because i am so worried I may write or say the wrong thing. Hope i can be strong soon so i can pay it all back. You are a very thoughtful lady, helping out where posible and prepairing for what may be required of you, i must try to be a little more like that, got to be a bit more positive. Wow the heat is on high out there, how do those plants cope with the heat, is the gardening done very early or very late, I think Trevor the brother-in-law out in Perth watered his garden early morning with a sprinkler system, but it was only a small plot. The heat must be hard on the pets as well but they are very resilient are'nt they, adjust and get on with it, a bit like what I should try doing. It would be a special thing if you could clone yourself, then there would be another special person on this earth, you and Dawn are so much alike.I do cover some mileage with Sheba, she loves her walks and playing with other dogs, makes me just tired watching her sometimes. Our friends popped over yesterday, Ron and Sandra, we try to see each other once a week, only real friends we have, we alwats had New Year's Eve away, in Llandudno, north Wales, we always had a good time, but the thing was Dawn and I had opposite hours at work so it was nice to have each others company at the end of the day. I have a visit to the Doctors next week, a quick check up to see if i'm ok to Sky Dive (Tandum) to raise money for the Hospice i volunteer at, I am there all day Tuesdays, helping in the kitchen, driving their bus to ferry the guest from and to home as it is a Day care centre only, hoping to be jumping in May if there is a slot then. Sheba keeps touching me with her nose, think she is telling me its time for a walk, better get wrapped up as the temperature here is a staggering plus one degree. Thank you so much for our chat, something nice to look forward to, Kind regards Paul.
  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi Paul, lovely to hear from you as always, re advice on replying to others post, just speak from the heart, it helps others to know they are not alone even though we cannot advise/ talk on their particular issues and someone  may be long soon who can help.  That's all we can do is help each other.  Just lost a cushion on my chair, you would laugh.  As such a shortass now have 2 cushions under me to try and impove posture, don't worry if all fails will try 3 tomorrow night and require a step ladder to get down. Haha. Sky diving oh my giddy aunt.   you are brave.  Does the hospice have a website as such, maybe just make it known here you ever know what donations could come out of it.  Would love to share memorial website  I i have set up with you.  Set up for hubby if you don't mind, has raised over $1000 in 3 and a bit months in aid of little heroes foundation, can fwd u the link to look at if interested.  Pic of him is as a very happy man.  Cat just come in, very vocal, when he gets to sitting in front of I pad I get a bit grumpy.  He likes to sit on shoulders but when only wearing a. Singlet on top and he use shoulders or arms as brakes on way down I get a tad miffed.  All in all I love my pets, my loyal companions and would not be without them...  Re the garden I prefer to water when late as if you do in the am will be evaporated too quickly in my opinion. Paul you are really good doing the volunteer work you do, working in the kitchen etc,be proud. Mate a lot of others would not bother, and you drive also.  Don't berate yourself you are doing heaps in your own way.  Your Dawn would be proud of you, she will be looking over you, giving you the proverbial kick when required.  Don't you worry, I am sure she is ever close.  Kind regards, Kathy 

     

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    Hi there Kathy, just don't know what was happening last night, the page kept on freezing then it disappeared, so let's try again, hopefully it will be more kind to me today. You are right once again thank you, speak from the heart and just show that you are there for them, thank you. It would be an honour to share a memorial website what a fantastic amount, well done you, I know he would be very proud of you. Will you post the website for me, thank you. I have a cancer research "donate in memory page" for Dawn, the monies donated at her funeral, was split between Macmillan nurses and cancer research, £450 each, and now I put money in for Dawns birthday and the month of her passing, it is mounting up and if the money helps rid this terrible intruder it would be all I could ask, plus it does help keep Dawns memory alive and hopefully after I have gone, I have left instructions with my son. The parachute jump is to raise a few bob for the hospice "Treetopshospice.org.uk" I think it's brilliant what they do not only day care for the terminally Ill but nurse home visits, therapy, bereavement consulting and lots more, plus it's not dreary, everyone has a smile. check the website out,  you will see what I mean. Thank you for your kind words Kathy, I know Dawn is with me where ever I go, think it's me being a wuss most of the time, I will get there I know, I also know i will never forget, the roll a coaster is slowing down. Take care of yourself Kathy and once again thank you for your kind words and thoughts and the chat, thank you. Kind regards Paul 

     

     

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  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    Hi there Kathy, just don't know what was happening last night, the page kept on freezing then it disappeared, so let's try again, hopefully it will be more kind to me today. You are right once again thank you, speak from the heart and just show that you are there for them, thank you. It would be an honour to share a memorial website what a fantastic amount, well done you, I know he would be very proud of you. Will you post the website for me, thank you. I have a cancer research "donate in memory page" for Dawn, the monies donated at her funeral, was split between Macmillan nurses and cancer research, £450 each, and now I put money in for Dawns birthday and the month of her passing, it is mounting up and if the money helps rid this terrible intruder it would be all I could ask, plus it does help keep Dawns memory alive and hopefully after I have gone, I have left instructions with my son. The parachute jump is to raise a few bob for the hospice "Treetopshospice.org.uk" I think it's brilliant what they do not only day care for the terminally Ill but nurse home visits, therapy, bereavement consulting and lots more, plus it's not dreary, everyone has a smile. check the website out,  you will see what I mean. Thank you for your kind words Kathy, I know Dawn is with me where ever I go, think it's me being a wuss most of the time, I will get there I know, I also know i will never forget, the roll a coaster is slowing down. Take care of yourself Kathy and once again thank you for your kind words and thoughts and the chat, thank you. Kind regards Paul 

     

     

Children
  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi Paul, check out the inspiration page, will reply later tonight.  Just sending this now in case you log off soon. Kathy.  I tend to stay logged in for hours.

     

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi Paul, me back again. You are not being a wuss mate, we all cope in different ways and if it works just do it.  Hubby's website is www.heroeshq.org, then go to in memoriam.  He is man in kilt looking so happy (even though an Aussie loved Scotland). At the moment there is only 2 in memorials as I suggested it at the time.  But from little seeds acorns can grow. 

    I have checked out your website and it does look great.

    Pretty hot here at present but that's life.  Garden is 1/4 acre block but once I get it under control feel confident I can maintain.  Love being outside in fresh air...only when the mozzies start I will come inside..

    New improved website confusing me, was not able to do paragraphs before... Now I have to pretend I am semi literate.  Now I pad users can do pics I will be able to send you pic of my lovely dog, 11 years.  I swear if he tried to get any closer to me in bed at night would be on me.   Even though I have ac on in bedroom he has to be snuggled next to me, poor boy, knows his dad is not physically here so has to make do with his only constant in life here,

    me.

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    Hi Kathy just lost everything again, been Sat here for over an hour replying, then tried to upload a photo of Sheba and everything disappeared, then tried again, things keep disappearing, going to log off to compose myself, didn't want you to think I was ignoring you, have checked out inspiration page, and your Hubby's website, so wonderful, why is life so cruel., sorry, chat later, just got to calm myself, take care, Paul

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    Hi Kathy, just don't know what happened last time, just lost everything, so trying now on the lap top. I did check out the inspiration page, wow didnt realize there was so much in this chat forum. such wonderful poeple with so much encouragement. Checked out your Hubby's website, so nice, really wonderful, he would be so proud of you, and what a wonderful man and you look such a loving couple, life can be cruel. 

    Was going to try to download pictures of Sheba but worried about losing it all again. next time will download before i start to type. It's so nice when they cuddle up next to you isn't it, Shaba and i have a cuddle before we go to sleep and she is so patient when i awake, gives me time to come round then its cuddles and play time for a minute or two before we get up. Took your advice and was positive when I went to the bereavement lunch, did'nt really want to go, but did'nt feel to bad at all when I got there, I was the first ti leave but i had to get back for Sheba, don't like leaving her too long. Been out today for two long walks but it is bitterly cold her, just had a hot bath to warm up.

    Into the office first thing in the morning, then got a meeting with an old army guy, another one of my volunteer jobs, "ssafa" we look after old soldiers, sailors and airmen, women and their families, i just sit with them and ask if we can help in anyway, then my report goes into the head office and they try to source funds to help with their request. its another "makes you feel good" job.

    Hope this gets to you ok and has'nt dissappeared before i post it, Take care Kathy Kind regards Paul

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi Paul,
    Just a quick note to let you know I haven't dropped off the face of the earth, just issues posting.  Keep losing things besides my marbles.....
    Rgds Kathy
     

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn




    Hi Paul,
    Apologies for delay in response but have had technical issues and had darling grandson stay for 36 hours with grand daughter for the last few hours also so was kept on my toes.  What joy.  They have such beautiful manners and are so affectionate.  I am  doubly blessed.
    I am glad you went to the luncheon.  Even though you might not feel like going out I think it's something we have to force ourselves to do.  I went out last week for tea with 2 girlfriends and am really a homebody so to go out at teatime, driving myself is quite a novel experience.  Of course I walked into the wrong bar area as had never been there before and it was the mans bar, but the kind bar maid took me to the correct area.  I felt such a twit.
    After tea I returned to car to find my driving glasses had cracked due to the heat and it wasn't even that hot.  Spec savers tell me they are not covered by warranty as this can happen if left in car.  As I only wear specs for driving or TV I leave a pair in both those areas.  Might challenge them as have never been advised not to leave in car (but too be honest it does make sense).
    Today I have found this note function so am typing on it then will copy and post.  If post malfunctions can retry and won't have lost it. Yay for me.
    Your ssafa work sounds really interesting and I can imagine you would be very good at it, compassionate, patient and understanding.
    It was a scorcher yesterday 41' but the littlies had great fun playing with buckets of water, plastic cups and water balloons.  The simple things in life.  I tried to blow up a paddling pool earlier in the day but just couldn't do it, tried car tyre pump and sticking a straw in valve and blowing to no avail, but we made do with what we had.
    I have just put the cooler on as will stay home tdy as 38 the top and dog quite happy to stay inside with me.  Will take the lad out for a wander this evening if it cools down sufficiently before dark.
    I plan on doing a bit of work outside today taking care to cover up, sounds mad but beats sitting inside and it will give me a feeling that I have accomplished another chore by the end of the day.
    Well Paul will sign off and see how my copy and paste works
    Take care, Kathy x
     

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    [[ ]]Hi Paul, just trying to send pic of the lad

     

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

     

    [[ ]]here is Sheba posing on her not so clean quilt and chilling out on the settee

    In my last posting to you, you may have seen I had problems, I was amazed when I got an email from the cancer chat posting team asking what had actually happened, they where so apologetic. Hopefully it's all sorted now. What a chilled out lad he is, just pottering around the garden, maybe looking for a nice cool spot, does he cope well with the heat, they are very good at adapting aren't . Sheba and I have been out for our walk this morning and now she is asleep on the sofa next to me. It sounded that you had a magical time with your grandchildren, there is nothing better than polite children and even better when they are your grandchildren, as it was I baby sat last night for my son Mark as he took his wife Nicola out for Valentines day, they where also very good, a 3 and 1 year old, didn't take them to bed, let them fall asleep as they sat with me then took them to their rooms. I bought Dawn a valentines card, I always do for every occasion, think she would like that. Visited the city hospital yesterday for our bereavement chats and they commented on how more positive, composed and more open I was, I told them I was chatting online to you and how positive you are and they commented how nice and encouraging it is that everyone is helping each other. So once again I can only thank you for sticking with me and helping me to be more positive. It is the time of year though that Dawn was admitted to hospital and had the operation to remove the tumour, don't want to forget what she went through but learn to cope with it, going to decide now on what to have for dinner, probably change my mind two or three times before I cook.  T


                     

     

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi there Kathy sorry bout the last post, but it all went a bit funny again seems to do that when I try to add photos, didn't seem a very kind signing off, think you have the best idea, individual postings for text and photos, take care, Kind regards Paul 

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Goodness Paul,

    Sheba looks so lovely and comfy, such intelligent eyes.  Our pets are so good to us. We are so lucky. Bit hot tdy but cooler now.  Dog asleep on sofa, cat inside and stretched out in front of doorway where I could trip over him.  How are you doing? 

    Kathy

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