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Paul L

PaulDawn
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Hi There, this is my first time on the chat line, just want to here from anyone in my position. My darling wife Dawn sadly passed away 19 June 2012, and it is still so very hard to understand or believe why, I am going round in circles, not wanting to go out but feeling upset if people don't ask me out (brothers and sisters), but then feel guilty when i do out, upset because things just carrying on the same way, I try to keep myself busy, walk our dog for hours, have a part time job, volunteer for our local hospice and ssafa, but the evenings a nightmare, how are you all coping.

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn
    Hi Paul, this is my 3rd attempt at responding keep losing the post. Grrrrr. The littles give us great comfort, they have no guile. Do you have George every afternoon? I am getting house prepared for my family who arrive in 5 weeks time. I am boxing up hubby's working away gear, tools , PPE equipment etc and placing in shed to sort though at a later stage, just can't do it yet. I know I will keep his big jackets to wear in winter while sitting out the back, they will be like a coat on me as he was 6 foot 3 and a big bloke whereas I am less than 5 foot, a little shortass. I still have a pair of his boots at the back door ready to give me the proverbial kick if required. Great that you have added your support to Max's petition. I am sure the personal messaging would be very well used if brought back. Sorry must go girlfriend arrived to help me de clutter. Take care Kathy
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi Kathy, i feel so ashamed because i have just read the one you posted about signing cards for one and not two, im so sorry, here i am asking for help when you where in pieces yourself, what an insensitive wally i am, truley sorry. i do feel i do not have the ability to help anyone yet though as i can't seem to help myself, but i am also worried of offending, but for what its worth, i have continued and always will continue to put Dawns name on cards, emails, e-cards, i even buy cards with sister/brother on them for my sister/brother in laws as i just can't bare to not put Dawns name on them. please forgive me, i never want to offend. Dawns wardrobe is still full, cant seem to or don't want to touch her clothes yet either. Dawn was also small, 5ft 2in, she could still scare me though, i knew when to keep quiet. i have little Goerge just Thursday afternoons after he finishes school at 11.30am, but after August he is full time, so i would thing i shall be have his little brother Henry all day Thursdays untill he is ready for school, their mum only works Tuesday and Thursdays. im sure your family will be very supportive in five weeks time, it will be very hard for you all, but i know you will all pull together, and put time aside for thoughts and memories. im not to good with words, but i do only mean the very best for you. take great care, kind regards Paul
  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn
    Good morning Paul, Please don't stress. I had a wobble but bounced back ok, proves I am only human and tears are a necessary emotional release. As always the support given on this site proves invaluable and it gives comfort to know you are not alone when filled with despair. Mother in law has requested a visit so will head up the hill to visit after peak hour traffic has gone. I don't know if she forgets I was there last week but I had intended visiting this week anyway. Will take my tools as they have a bromeliade which needs splitting and repotting. Will leave the gear in the car but if they ask me to do it will have all required with me. It might encourage her to sit outside in the fresh air and talk to me while I am doing it. She is doing well with her walking but I think is a wee bit depressed which once again is understandable. I will need to think of amusing tales to tell her and get her laughing. I would take dog with me but have no air conditioning in the car and today will be 29 so it would be too hot for him. It is great you are able to help out looking after the little ones. They do love helping out around the place. I will get the lad out for a walk before I head off and intend being home late afternoon to get some gardening done, I have a trailer load of horse manure to wheel barrow to an area I have prepared. Little by little I will move it , a few loads a day or half loads. Wish I could clone myself and achieve more each day but when my sisters are here they can assist in other gardening tasks as long as it's not too hot for them, Aach if it is they can get up at 5 am and start then in the cool off the morning, hehe. With sign off for now Paul and get into action. Ps thanks for the info re cards I will do that in future. All the best Kathy
  • Offline in reply to KathyS
    Hi there Kathy, thank you for your kind words, so positive as always, i just feel its all one way help, I'm getting help, but unable to help others. I do read some postings but feel as they do and it dose'nt seem right or feel right to answer because i am so worried I may write or say the wrong thing. Hope i can be strong soon so i can pay it all back. You are a very thoughtful lady, helping out where posible and prepairing for what may be required of you, i must try to be a little more like that, got to be a bit more positive. Wow the heat is on high out there, how do those plants cope with the heat, is the gardening done very early or very late, I think Trevor the brother-in-law out in Perth watered his garden early morning with a sprinkler system, but it was only a small plot. The heat must be hard on the pets as well but they are very resilient are'nt they, adjust and get on with it, a bit like what I should try doing. It would be a special thing if you could clone yourself, then there would be another special person on this earth, you and Dawn are so much alike.I do cover some mileage with Sheba, she loves her walks and playing with other dogs, makes me just tired watching her sometimes. Our friends popped over yesterday, Ron and Sandra, we try to see each other once a week, only real friends we have, we alwats had New Year's Eve away, in Llandudno, north Wales, we always had a good time, but the thing was Dawn and I had opposite hours at work so it was nice to have each others company at the end of the day. I have a visit to the Doctors next week, a quick check up to see if i'm ok to Sky Dive (Tandum) to raise money for the Hospice i volunteer at, I am there all day Tuesdays, helping in the kitchen, driving their bus to ferry the guest from and to home as it is a Day care centre only, hoping to be jumping in May if there is a slot then. Sheba keeps touching me with her nose, think she is telling me its time for a walk, better get wrapped up as the temperature here is a staggering plus one degree. Thank you so much for our chat, something nice to look forward to, Kind regards Paul.
  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi Paul, lovely to hear from you as always, re advice on replying to others post, just speak from the heart, it helps others to know they are not alone even though we cannot advise/ talk on their particular issues and someone  may be long soon who can help.  That's all we can do is help each other.  Just lost a cushion on my chair, you would laugh.  As such a shortass now have 2 cushions under me to try and impove posture, don't worry if all fails will try 3 tomorrow night and require a step ladder to get down. Haha. Sky diving oh my giddy aunt.   you are brave.  Does the hospice have a website as such, maybe just make it known here you ever know what donations could come out of it.  Would love to share memorial website  I i have set up with you.  Set up for hubby if you don't mind, has raised over $1000 in 3 and a bit months in aid of little heroes foundation, can fwd u the link to look at if interested.  Pic of him is as a very happy man.  Cat just come in, very vocal, when he gets to sitting in front of I pad I get a bit grumpy.  He likes to sit on shoulders but when only wearing a. Singlet on top and he use shoulders or arms as brakes on way down I get a tad miffed.  All in all I love my pets, my loyal companions and would not be without them...  Re the garden I prefer to water when late as if you do in the am will be evaporated too quickly in my opinion. Paul you are really good doing the volunteer work you do, working in the kitchen etc,be proud. Mate a lot of others would not bother, and you drive also.  Don't berate yourself you are doing heaps in your own way.  Your Dawn would be proud of you, she will be looking over you, giving you the proverbial kick when required.  Don't you worry, I am sure she is ever close.  Kind regards, Kathy 

     

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    Hi there Kathy, just don't know what was happening last night, the page kept on freezing then it disappeared, so let's try again, hopefully it will be more kind to me today. You are right once again thank you, speak from the heart and just show that you are there for them, thank you. It would be an honour to share a memorial website what a fantastic amount, well done you, I know he would be very proud of you. Will you post the website for me, thank you. I have a cancer research "donate in memory page" for Dawn, the monies donated at her funeral, was split between Macmillan nurses and cancer research, £450 each, and now I put money in for Dawns birthday and the month of her passing, it is mounting up and if the money helps rid this terrible intruder it would be all I could ask, plus it does help keep Dawns memory alive and hopefully after I have gone, I have left instructions with my son. The parachute jump is to raise a few bob for the hospice "Treetopshospice.org.uk" I think it's brilliant what they do not only day care for the terminally Ill but nurse home visits, therapy, bereavement consulting and lots more, plus it's not dreary, everyone has a smile. check the website out,  you will see what I mean. Thank you for your kind words Kathy, I know Dawn is with me where ever I go, think it's me being a wuss most of the time, I will get there I know, I also know i will never forget, the roll a coaster is slowing down. Take care of yourself Kathy and once again thank you for your kind words and thoughts and the chat, thank you. Kind regards Paul 

     

     

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi Paul, check out the inspiration page, will reply later tonight.  Just sending this now in case you log off soon. Kathy.  I tend to stay logged in for hours.

     

  • Offline in reply to PaulDawn

    Hi Paul, me back again. You are not being a wuss mate, we all cope in different ways and if it works just do it.  Hubby's website is www.heroeshq.org, then go to in memoriam.  He is man in kilt looking so happy (even though an Aussie loved Scotland). At the moment there is only 2 in memorials as I suggested it at the time.  But from little seeds acorns can grow. 

    I have checked out your website and it does look great.

    Pretty hot here at present but that's life.  Garden is 1/4 acre block but once I get it under control feel confident I can maintain.  Love being outside in fresh air...only when the mozzies start I will come inside..

    New improved website confusing me, was not able to do paragraphs before... Now I have to pretend I am semi literate.  Now I pad users can do pics I will be able to send you pic of my lovely dog, 11 years.  I swear if he tried to get any closer to me in bed at night would be on me.   Even though I have ac on in bedroom he has to be snuggled next to me, poor boy, knows his dad is not physically here so has to make do with his only constant in life here,

    me.

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    Hi Kathy just lost everything again, been Sat here for over an hour replying, then tried to upload a photo of Sheba and everything disappeared, then tried again, things keep disappearing, going to log off to compose myself, didn't want you to think I was ignoring you, have checked out inspiration page, and your Hubby's website, so wonderful, why is life so cruel., sorry, chat later, just got to calm myself, take care, Paul

  • Offline in reply to KathyS

    Hi Kathy, just don't know what happened last time, just lost everything, so trying now on the lap top. I did check out the inspiration page, wow didnt realize there was so much in this chat forum. such wonderful poeple with so much encouragement. Checked out your Hubby's website, so nice, really wonderful, he would be so proud of you, and what a wonderful man and you look such a loving couple, life can be cruel. 

    Was going to try to download pictures of Sheba but worried about losing it all again. next time will download before i start to type. It's so nice when they cuddle up next to you isn't it, Shaba and i have a cuddle before we go to sleep and she is so patient when i awake, gives me time to come round then its cuddles and play time for a minute or two before we get up. Took your advice and was positive when I went to the bereavement lunch, did'nt really want to go, but did'nt feel to bad at all when I got there, I was the first ti leave but i had to get back for Sheba, don't like leaving her too long. Been out today for two long walks but it is bitterly cold her, just had a hot bath to warm up.

    Into the office first thing in the morning, then got a meeting with an old army guy, another one of my volunteer jobs, "ssafa" we look after old soldiers, sailors and airmen, women and their families, i just sit with them and ask if we can help in anyway, then my report goes into the head office and they try to source funds to help with their request. its another "makes you feel good" job.

    Hope this gets to you ok and has'nt dissappeared before i post it, Take care Kathy Kind regards Paul

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