Hi Paul, welcome to this forum of wonderful people, I am sorry to see the reason you have made contact. Condolences on your loss of Dawn. I don't know what type of illness took her from you. I am sure though she would be wanting you to be living life to the full not feeling guilty at going out. It is normal to feel lost after loved one has gone before us, but we have to pick ourselves up and embrace the future. Sorry if speaking out of turn but a few of us here have lost loved ones. Talking, ranting and raving can help. Best wishes. Kathy.

Hi there Kathy, thank you for your reply and the welcome to this forum, plus your kind words and thoughts. Dawn was diagnosed with colon cancer but within 91 days it had passed to every organ in her body, she tried to fight it but didn't stand a chance. She never complained once throughout her battle. You are right Dawn would most definitely want me to live life to the full, but it is so hard, if I see something funny and laugh out loud, I feel ashamed for doing so, I know it will take time, a long time, but chatting with people who understand and getting feed back from people such as yourself will not judge me, for asking for help and advice. Kind regards Paul.

Hi Paul, I know exactly what you mean. When visiting the kids and having the 2 grandkids cuddling me, dragging me around to show me their "treasures" I was overcome as hubby would have so much enjoyed it. I too felt guilty that I was healthy, surrounded by love and having fun and he was missing this. After giving myself a kick up the rear I realised he is still with me, he always will be, just not in the physical sense. A bit of him lives on in our son and grandkids. Son gets married in March and that will be hard as his dad so much wanted to be here for it. Once again he will be with us in our thoughts and in our hearts but I will attend it without him physically at my side. What you are going through is quite natural Paul, all part of the grieving process. It sucks big time but we need to continue one day at a time. I figure I was lucky to have all the years together that we did, some people don't have that. Hubby is no longer suffering and I have enjoy what life has to offer me. This forum has been a life saver for me Paul. The warmth I have found here is like a big blanket and I thank my forum buddies for this. Take care. Kathy