Hello Hope,

Sorry you are hurting so much just now, but please don't feel like you have done everything wrong.  You have had to make some very difficult decisions in the absence of the very people you have probably always turned to, to help you make them.  You have offered so much support on this site - a very positive way of using your pain and your experiences with your parents illness.  You will have helped a lot of people.  It is about a year and a half since I lost my Father and I can relate to what you are saying about reliving some of the bad memories - I try to be positive, but sometimes slip back into this too - it is sometimes a bit of a battle not to.  I can also really relate to what you say about taking on doing up your parents house.  We had builders in insulating our walls at the end of last year - the stress of it really got on top of me and made me realise that I am still quite fragile just now and have to be careful not to take on too much.  I also felt very guilty as it is Dads money that let me do something so major with the house, one of the things he said when he was ill was he wanted to see some progress with the house, but he is not here to see it - so what gives me the right to use his money this way.  I know my Dad would never have wanted me to feel this way, but it is just a difficult thing to deal with.  Anyway, this is my way of trying to say that these difficult feelings are perfectly normal (either that or both of us are far from normal - this is a distinct possibility in my case !)  Perhaps you should look at how you are feeling from your parents perspective (far easier said than done I know).  They would never have judged what you are doing with their house or anything else the harsh way that you are.  They would only ever have wanted you to be happy - be kind to yourself and you will get back there - it just takes time, and some weeks are better than others, Kathryn x 

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks so much for your support; it really does help make me see things a little differently.  I understand exactly how you feel about using your Dad's money, even though I am sure he would want you to.  It is how I feel too, my parents house needs so much updating and I just wished they had used their money to update it while they were alive and enjoy it.  Truth is they were happy the way things were, but it does feel so sad to spend their money.  You are right though, my parents would never have judged me in any way, their unconditional love is the thing I miss more than anything in the world.  I will try to be positive too, and I guess I just have to accept that there will be some days when that won't be possible.  Grief really is a bumpy ride, but hopefully one which we will all come out stronger from.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much for thinking of me.  I will try to keep busy this weekend.  I hope you are doing OK and enjoying the sunshine.  Hope xx

Good morning hope,

Just like your other forum friends, I am thinking of you today. I came across this picture quote last night and it reminded me of something you said to someone on here, that we only feel so bad because we loved our lost ones so much. Hope you like it.

Take care, best wishes and hugs sent your way, Brian.

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Just wanted to say keeping you in my thoughts on this emotional day Hope. Brian's picture quote says it all.  Jules xx

Hi Brian & Jules,

Hope you don't mind a joint reply.  Thank you so much for your messages and kind thoughts.  Brian, I loved the photo, it reminded me of the 2 doves I released at Mums funeral to symbolise Mum & Dad being reunited.  I have been to the cemetary today, the sun was shining and it was peaceful there.  The hardest part for me remembering the day Dad passed is thinking of Mum with me then; it's surreal to know they are both gone.  However I am trying to think of them as reunited now and know they would want me to carry on with my life.  Hope the sun is shining in your part of the world too.  Thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Joint replies are great and no problem on this forum. Hope you not working too hard though not long now till the next round of holidays.  My daughter and family are visiting her in laws for a week during the Easter break and then we are having the little one for a night and day so they can decorate their bedroom.  Fingers crossed it will be nice weather and I can take him to the park.Now five months old and happy in the baby swings.  He had a nap here in his travel cot at the weekend and was no problem at all.  The eldest boy had me out in the garden for a game of footie as well as playing 'off roading'with his cars in the bare border I leave for him to enjoy!!  Oh to be young again.  Take care   Jules xx

Hi Hope,

Haven't spoken for a few days but have been thinking about you, you have not been forgotten. I Hope now that the anniversary has passed by, you may be feeling a little better.

How is your work at school going? My youngest grandson is still as cheeky as ever and made me laugh again the other night.

Take care, best wishes, Brian.

Morning Hope

Just wanted to let you know am keeping  you in my thoughts as your journey continues.Jules xx

Hi Brian,

Thanks for thinking of me, I'm doing OK, keeping myself busy.  Eldest ran a half-marathon today to raise money for our local hospice, so went to that. Hope you and Mrs B have had a nice weekend, the weather here has been a bit unpredictable, sunshine and rain. I have read some of your posts regarding your youngest grandson, he certainly sounds a cheeky chappy.  How is your brother-in-law doing now?  Speak soon.  Hope x

Hi Jules,

Thanks for thinking of me.  I'm OK, some days are better than others but I'm hoping that the good ones will slowly take over the bad.  Eldest ran half-marathon today and raised money for the hospice that supported Mum and Dad.  I'm so proud of him in so many ways.  I hope you have had a nice weekend; I will be thinking of you as you Tuesday when you have hubby's appointment, hope all goes well.  Hope xx

Hello again Hope

Wow, well done to your eldest and am not at all surprised at how proud you are feeling.  If you are like me it sometimes brings a lump to the throat (not matter how old they are!!). Weather here today (Middlesex)has been chilly but mainly bright and no rain since a shower yesterday morning.  Nonetheless although I had good intentions to be in the garden found myself wanting to get more exercise so visited our local garden centre a couple of miles away and as it has a gifting area Imanaged to find a few bits for upcoming birthdays.  I did buy some Dahlia tubers to plant soon (hubby's has always liked these and we have not had them for a few years so I thought it would be a nice surprise (assuming they grow).   Have a good week and you know where to find us when and if you need a chat.  Sending hugs.  Jules  xx

Hello again Hope

Wow, well done to your eldest and am not at all surprised at how proud you are feeling.  If you are like me it sometimes brings a lump to the throat (not matter how old they are!!). Weather here today (Middlesex)has been chilly but mainly bright and no rain since a shower yesterday morning.  Nonetheless although I had good intentions to be in the garden found myself wanting to get more exercise so visited our local garden centre a couple of miles away and as it has a gifting area Imanaged to find a few bits for upcoming birthdays.  I did buy some Dahlia tubers to plant soon (hubby's has always liked these and we have not had them for a few years so I thought it would be a nice surprise (assuming they grow).   Have a good week and you know where to find us when and if you need a chat.  Sending hugs.  Jules  xx