Hello Hope,

Sorry you are hurting so much just now, but please don't feel like you have done everything wrong.  You have had to make some very difficult decisions in the absence of the very people you have probably always turned to, to help you make them.  You have offered so much support on this site - a very positive way of using your pain and your experiences with your parents illness.  You will have helped a lot of people.  It is about a year and a half since I lost my Father and I can relate to what you are saying about reliving some of the bad memories - I try to be positive, but sometimes slip back into this too - it is sometimes a bit of a battle not to.  I can also really relate to what you say about taking on doing up your parents house.  We had builders in insulating our walls at the end of last year - the stress of it really got on top of me and made me realise that I am still quite fragile just now and have to be careful not to take on too much.  I also felt very guilty as it is Dads money that let me do something so major with the house, one of the things he said when he was ill was he wanted to see some progress with the house, but he is not here to see it - so what gives me the right to use his money this way.  I know my Dad would never have wanted me to feel this way, but it is just a difficult thing to deal with.  Anyway, this is my way of trying to say that these difficult feelings are perfectly normal (either that or both of us are far from normal - this is a distinct possibility in my case !)  Perhaps you should look at how you are feeling from your parents perspective (far easier said than done I know).  They would never have judged what you are doing with their house or anything else the harsh way that you are.  They would only ever have wanted you to be happy - be kind to yourself and you will get back there - it just takes time, and some weeks are better than others, Kathryn x 

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks so much for your support; it really does help make me see things a little differently.  I understand exactly how you feel about using your Dad's money, even though I am sure he would want you to.  It is how I feel too, my parents house needs so much updating and I just wished they had used their money to update it while they were alive and enjoy it.  Truth is they were happy the way things were, but it does feel so sad to spend their money.  You are right though, my parents would never have judged me in any way, their unconditional love is the thing I miss more than anything in the world.  I will try to be positive too, and I guess I just have to accept that there will be some days when that won't be possible.  Grief really is a bumpy ride, but hopefully one which we will all come out stronger from.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Jules,

Have messaged you on your site, but just to say in reply to your post on here, you are not silly at all at shedding tears.  Sometimes when we are a bit low doing happy things such as spending time with family and friends and feeling "normal" brings such a relief but also brings up all kinds of emotions.  The other day in work a friend noticed I'd been not quite myself and spoke kindly to me, this resulted in me bursting into tears and she felt bad!  I told her it was just that she was being nice that had affected me and that I was grateful for her kindness.  I'm glad that your hubby enjoyed your lunch too and I hope that he will be of support to you also today.  Speak soon.  Hope x

Afternoon Hope

I too have responded on my thread but you are so right about emotions.  Sometimes its the silliest of things that can set you off (others kindness is a very good example).  Work kept me busy and actually I have felt okay today as remember Dad with fondess rather than sadness now. He did live a long life which he always made a point of saying had suited him!!  He was disabled out of the war (lucky to be alive he said, having lost many comrades on the field) and told me that living to 85 had been an enormous bonus (he was just 21 when invalided out) and despite my Mum'smental issues they always coped well as a couple and I  now feel I have inherited his strength  and want to enjoy the life I have been given to the best of my ability.

Hubby has gone to visit a friend this afternoon so have control of the remote and having prepared the dinner am now enjoying the company of some very understanding virtual friends.  Thanks for being one of them and you know I will be keeping you in my thoughts through the coming days.  Gently does it.  Big hugs.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

I am so glad that today you have been able to remember your Dad with fondness and that it hasn't been too painful for you.  It does give me hope that in time I may feel the same way; as it is things are still too raw for me, so although feeling OK just now am expecting a dip at the weekend.  I think the sunshine helps lift all our spirits though so long may it continue!  I hope hubby had a nice visit to his friend, I'm sure by now he has taken back control of the remote though!  Speak soon.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Just a short message to let you know am thinking of you, especially for this weekend.  Hope you are surrounded by the love of your family and am sure they will undestand if you need 'alone time' too.  Using Beryl's sensible words  take 'baby steps' and let your emotions find their own way along this difficult path as that will be the right route for you. Hugs  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Thank you so much for your kind message. I have accepted that this weekend is going to be a difficult one; last night I felt overcome with emotion - tomorrow is the actual anniversary date but today seems just as difficult as I remember every detail of my last Saturday with Dad before he died that night. Is hard to remember that Mum was with me and now she's gone too. I have bought some lovely flowers for the cemetary tomorrow and hope the sun shines; I have my lovely family with me too.  Am planning to keep busy, hoping to get into the garden to start work on it - it was very neglected last Summer with all that went on.  Hope you have a lovely weekend, and thanks again for your support.  Hope x

Lovely Hope,

Just like Jules, I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this weekend.

I hope you manage to get out in the garden - personally, I find this a place where I can really lose myself and 'untangle' my thoughts.

The physical act of tending the garden seems to help with the healing of my mind.

Take care, Hope.

Sending you warm, supportive hugs, especially tomorrow, Jo xx

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much for thinking of me.  I will try to keep busy this weekend.  I hope you are doing OK and enjoying the sunshine.  Hope xx

Good morning hope,

Just like your other forum friends, I am thinking of you today. I came across this picture quote last night and it reminded me of something you said to someone on here, that we only feel so bad because we loved our lost ones so much. Hope you like it.

Take care, best wishes and hugs sent your way, Brian.

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Just wanted to say keeping you in my thoughts on this emotional day Hope. Brian's picture quote says it all.  Jules xx

Hi Brian & Jules,

Hope you don't mind a joint reply.  Thank you so much for your messages and kind thoughts.  Brian, I loved the photo, it reminded me of the 2 doves I released at Mums funeral to symbolise Mum & Dad being reunited.  I have been to the cemetary today, the sun was shining and it was peaceful there.  The hardest part for me remembering the day Dad passed is thinking of Mum with me then; it's surreal to know they are both gone.  However I am trying to think of them as reunited now and know they would want me to carry on with my life.  Hope the sun is shining in your part of the world too.  Thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Brian & Jules,

Hope you don't mind a joint reply.  Thank you so much for your messages and kind thoughts.  Brian, I loved the photo, it reminded me of the 2 doves I released at Mums funeral to symbolise Mum & Dad being reunited.  I have been to the cemetary today, the sun was shining and it was peaceful there.  The hardest part for me remembering the day Dad passed is thinking of Mum with me then; it's surreal to know they are both gone.  However I am trying to think of them as reunited now and know they would want me to carry on with my life.  Hope the sun is shining in your part of the world too.  Thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Joint replies are great and no problem on this forum. Hope you not working too hard though not long now till the next round of holidays.  My daughter and family are visiting her in laws for a week during the Easter break and then we are having the little one for a night and day so they can decorate their bedroom.  Fingers crossed it will be nice weather and I can take him to the park.Now five months old and happy in the baby swings.  He had a nap here in his travel cot at the weekend and was no problem at all.  The eldest boy had me out in the garden for a game of footie as well as playing 'off roading'with his cars in the bare border I leave for him to enjoy!!  Oh to be young again.  Take care   Jules xx

Hi Hope,

Haven't spoken for a few days but have been thinking about you, you have not been forgotten. I Hope now that the anniversary has passed by, you may be feeling a little better.

How is your work at school going? My youngest grandson is still as cheeky as ever and made me laugh again the other night.

Take care, best wishes, Brian.

Morning Hope

Just wanted to let you know am keeping  you in my thoughts as your journey continues.Jules xx

Hi Brian,

Thanks for thinking of me, I'm doing OK, keeping myself busy.  Eldest ran a half-marathon today to raise money for our local hospice, so went to that. Hope you and Mrs B have had a nice weekend, the weather here has been a bit unpredictable, sunshine and rain. I have read some of your posts regarding your youngest grandson, he certainly sounds a cheeky chappy.  How is your brother-in-law doing now?  Speak soon.  Hope x

Hi Jules,

Thanks for thinking of me.  I'm OK, some days are better than others but I'm hoping that the good ones will slowly take over the bad.  Eldest ran half-marathon today and raised money for the hospice that supported Mum and Dad.  I'm so proud of him in so many ways.  I hope you have had a nice weekend; I will be thinking of you as you Tuesday when you have hubby's appointment, hope all goes well.  Hope xx

Hello again Hope

Wow, well done to your eldest and am not at all surprised at how proud you are feeling.  If you are like me it sometimes brings a lump to the throat (not matter how old they are!!). Weather here today (Middlesex)has been chilly but mainly bright and no rain since a shower yesterday morning.  Nonetheless although I had good intentions to be in the garden found myself wanting to get more exercise so visited our local garden centre a couple of miles away and as it has a gifting area Imanaged to find a few bits for upcoming birthdays.  I did buy some Dahlia tubers to plant soon (hubby's has always liked these and we have not had them for a few years so I thought it would be a nice surprise (assuming they grow).   Have a good week and you know where to find us when and if you need a chat.  Sending hugs.  Jules  xx

Good morning Hope,

Well done to you son for running the half marathon, you must be one very proud mother. Thanks for asking about my brother in law. he is die to have an MRI scan this week so they can determine how much cancer he has in his hip joint. He is also having hormone therapy like me, one injection per month and is due a blood test later part of next week. Once his psa has come down and his prostate has shrunk he will have radiotherapy.

I have just finished another story, all I have to do is print and bind it. I am now trying to get another one finished as I have about ten more that I have started. I sometime get to a point where i cant find a link to join the different parts of the story together so i leave it for a while and then go back to it. .

Are you still busy at school? Thanks for the post on Jules thread. Take care and hope you have a good week hugs, Brian. 

Hi Brian,

Lovely to hear from you.  Yes I'm very proud of both of my boys, they really have been a big part of me being able to get through this past year.  I'm glad the hospital seem to be moving forward in treating your brother-in-law, must be a stressful time for all the family.  How wonderful that you are writing stories, perhaps we will see them on the shelves oneday??  I'm still keeping busy and still at school working, although looking forward to the hols soon. Bit worried how I'm going to feel on Sunday being Mother's Day, I was thinking back to how I felt the first Father's Day without Dad, but it is a bit blurred since it was the day I was told my Mum had terminal cancer; so I'm not really sure how I'm going to feel Sunday.  I plan to go to the cemetery and then to try and concentrate on me as a Mum and hope that my boys look after me LOL! Let's hope the sun comes out again for the weekend, today has turned rather cold again!  Take care.  Hope x

Good morning Hope,

I do enjoy writting my stories and it keeps the old grey matter ticking over. Mrs B and I have not been back long as we have been to the cemetery to put flowers on both of our mothers graves. They are both buried in the same cemetery and it's so peaceful there with the birds singing and it overlooks the south downs. While we were there someone must have been feeding the sheep which were a field ot two away and although we couldn't see them, boy could we hear them.

I will be thinking of you on Sunday and also all the others on here who have also lost their mothers.

Take care best wishes, Brian.

Hi Brian,

Yes always good to keep the grey matter going!  When I look at how my sons retain information so easily I realise how old I am, as I really can't do that anymore!

The cemetery sounds like a peaceful place and it is lovely that both your Mum and Mrs B's Mum are at the same place.  My hubby's Mum is in a different cemetery a good few miles away and we often think it would be lovely if she were at our local one too.  The one my parent's are at is also very peaceful and sometimes it does bring me comfort going there, tends to depend on how I'm feeling at the time.  I've just bought some lovely Mother's Day flowers to take on Sunday which I'm keeping in a vase at present.  Have to say it was a difficult thing for me picking up those flowers, I always used to buy Mum flowers.  I know I bought her flowers and a present last year but although I've been trying to remember it I just can't seem to, as everything was a daze then following my Dad's death.

I will be keeping busy at the weekend and will also be thinking of you and everybody else who have lost their mothers.  Take care.  Hope x