Hello Hope,

Sorry you are hurting so much just now, but please don't feel like you have done everything wrong.  You have had to make some very difficult decisions in the absence of the very people you have probably always turned to, to help you make them.  You have offered so much support on this site - a very positive way of using your pain and your experiences with your parents illness.  You will have helped a lot of people.  It is about a year and a half since I lost my Father and I can relate to what you are saying about reliving some of the bad memories - I try to be positive, but sometimes slip back into this too - it is sometimes a bit of a battle not to.  I can also really relate to what you say about taking on doing up your parents house.  We had builders in insulating our walls at the end of last year - the stress of it really got on top of me and made me realise that I am still quite fragile just now and have to be careful not to take on too much.  I also felt very guilty as it is Dads money that let me do something so major with the house, one of the things he said when he was ill was he wanted to see some progress with the house, but he is not here to see it - so what gives me the right to use his money this way.  I know my Dad would never have wanted me to feel this way, but it is just a difficult thing to deal with.  Anyway, this is my way of trying to say that these difficult feelings are perfectly normal (either that or both of us are far from normal - this is a distinct possibility in my case !)  Perhaps you should look at how you are feeling from your parents perspective (far easier said than done I know).  They would never have judged what you are doing with their house or anything else the harsh way that you are.  They would only ever have wanted you to be happy - be kind to yourself and you will get back there - it just takes time, and some weeks are better than others, Kathryn x 

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks so much for your support; it really does help make me see things a little differently.  I understand exactly how you feel about using your Dad's money, even though I am sure he would want you to.  It is how I feel too, my parents house needs so much updating and I just wished they had used their money to update it while they were alive and enjoy it.  Truth is they were happy the way things were, but it does feel so sad to spend their money.  You are right though, my parents would never have judged me in any way, their unconditional love is the thing I miss more than anything in the world.  I will try to be positive too, and I guess I just have to accept that there will be some days when that won't be possible.  Grief really is a bumpy ride, but hopefully one which we will all come out stronger from.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Thanks for your caring reply Hope.  Really appreciate the understanding.Have just returned from a long lunch with our friends (we treated them as it was her birthday) at a Spanish restaurant (first visit) - absolutely great tapas plus wine (red which I usually avoid) and naughty me - a desert!!  We then went back to their house for coffee and mints and she then drove us home(she hates to be driven so chose to pick us up).  Suddenly I feel 'normal' and hubby enjoyed it too - shedding a few tears - how silly is that!!  Chat soon and thanks for listening.Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Have messaged you on your site, but just to say in reply to your post on here, you are not silly at all at shedding tears.  Sometimes when we are a bit low doing happy things such as spending time with family and friends and feeling "normal" brings such a relief but also brings up all kinds of emotions.  The other day in work a friend noticed I'd been not quite myself and spoke kindly to me, this resulted in me bursting into tears and she felt bad!  I told her it was just that she was being nice that had affected me and that I was grateful for her kindness.  I'm glad that your hubby enjoyed your lunch too and I hope that he will be of support to you also today.  Speak soon.  Hope x

Afternoon Hope

I too have responded on my thread but you are so right about emotions.  Sometimes its the silliest of things that can set you off (others kindness is a very good example).  Work kept me busy and actually I have felt okay today as remember Dad with fondess rather than sadness now. He did live a long life which he always made a point of saying had suited him!!  He was disabled out of the war (lucky to be alive he said, having lost many comrades on the field) and told me that living to 85 had been an enormous bonus (he was just 21 when invalided out) and despite my Mum'smental issues they always coped well as a couple and I  now feel I have inherited his strength  and want to enjoy the life I have been given to the best of my ability.

Hubby has gone to visit a friend this afternoon so have control of the remote and having prepared the dinner am now enjoying the company of some very understanding virtual friends.  Thanks for being one of them and you know I will be keeping you in my thoughts through the coming days.  Gently does it.  Big hugs.  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

I am so glad that today you have been able to remember your Dad with fondness and that it hasn't been too painful for you.  It does give me hope that in time I may feel the same way; as it is things are still too raw for me, so although feeling OK just now am expecting a dip at the weekend.  I think the sunshine helps lift all our spirits though so long may it continue!  I hope hubby had a nice visit to his friend, I'm sure by now he has taken back control of the remote though!  Speak soon.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Just a short message to let you know am thinking of you, especially for this weekend.  Hope you are surrounded by the love of your family and am sure they will undestand if you need 'alone time' too.  Using Beryl's sensible words  take 'baby steps' and let your emotions find their own way along this difficult path as that will be the right route for you. Hugs  Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Thank you so much for your kind message. I have accepted that this weekend is going to be a difficult one; last night I felt overcome with emotion - tomorrow is the actual anniversary date but today seems just as difficult as I remember every detail of my last Saturday with Dad before he died that night. Is hard to remember that Mum was with me and now she's gone too. I have bought some lovely flowers for the cemetary tomorrow and hope the sun shines; I have my lovely family with me too.  Am planning to keep busy, hoping to get into the garden to start work on it - it was very neglected last Summer with all that went on.  Hope you have a lovely weekend, and thanks again for your support.  Hope x

Lovely Hope,

Just like Jules, I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you this weekend.

I hope you manage to get out in the garden - personally, I find this a place where I can really lose myself and 'untangle' my thoughts.

The physical act of tending the garden seems to help with the healing of my mind.

Take care, Hope.

Sending you warm, supportive hugs, especially tomorrow, Jo xx

Hi Jo,

Thanks so much for thinking of me.  I will try to keep busy this weekend.  I hope you are doing OK and enjoying the sunshine.  Hope xx

Good morning hope,

Just like your other forum friends, I am thinking of you today. I came across this picture quote last night and it reminded me of something you said to someone on here, that we only feel so bad because we loved our lost ones so much. Hope you like it.

Take care, best wishes and hugs sent your way, Brian.

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Just wanted to say keeping you in my thoughts on this emotional day Hope. Brian's picture quote says it all.  Jules xx

Just wanted to say keeping you in my thoughts on this emotional day Hope. Brian's picture quote says it all.  Jules xx