Hi Ciaomary,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm so sorry to hear of what you've been through - this sounds incredibly traumatic and I imagine things are feeling really tough and raw at the moment.

I'm glad you found the forum - this is a safe space to write things down and to reach out to others who understand. I'm sure there will be others here with similar experience and hopefully you'll receive some more replies soon.

If things are feeling tough, have a look at Cruse. They have various resources and also a helpline to support those struggling with grief.

While things must be really difficult right now, keep believing that things will gradually get easier, or at least more manageable.

We are always here for support if ever you need it, and I hope that the forum is useful for you.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Ciaomary

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It's so unbelievably difficult.

I wanted to write to you as your post really resonated with me. My Mum died in December last year so I've just had the 1 year anniversary which I can't quite believe is possible to be honest. 
 

So much of what you say I can relate to with what happened to my Mum in the hospice. The pain, the agitation, wanting to get out of bed and having to physically restrain. It's heartbreaking and I really feel your distress. I won't lie to you, after my Mum passed I was very much haunted by so many flashbacks and I still find it incredibly difficult to think about the things she endured. What I would say though is that the intensity is now much less and I get them less frequently. I find that they come and then if I do some breathing and sit with it - they pass. I had some counselling through the hospice my Mum was in - could that be an option for you? I found talking through the thoughts in my head was really helpful. 
 

I read that when we are in a stressful situation seeing things we've never seen before our brains don't quite know what to do with the images so they kind of bounce around whilst they figure out where to go. I found that kind of helpful to understand what was going on and made me feel less like I was losing my mind in all honesty .
 

You are at such an early stage at the moment and have difficult days ahead but it does get easier. You become more used to how you feel and I think can recognise when those 'waves' come. On here you're never alone so anytime you need to chat or vent or talk about the things you're experience there's always someone on here who knows exactly what you're going through. 
 

Be kind to yourself.KT 

Hi Ciaomary,

Sorry to hear this.

I lost my parents when I was 19 and 23 (I'm 37 now). My mother's death was similar, she had terminal cancer and was in a lot of pain. This will sound like such a cliche and I remember it being that way for me at the time, but things will get better. I am at a point now, and have been for many years, where I am at peace with her death, so there is hope.

I remember feeling absolute despair, guilt and having terrible thoughts and dreams after her death. I would sometimes seek out feelings of despair as they gave me comfort in a strange way. I would allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and not put any pressure on yourself as to how you should be feeling. Grieving really is a process, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will begin to feel better and learn to live with the loss.

I would recommend Cruse, Breathing Space and Samaratins as a source of support, as well as your gp and family and friends. Talking things through with people who have shared trauma experience can be really helpful.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can find comfort.