Hi Ciaomary,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm so sorry to hear of what you've been through - this sounds incredibly traumatic and I imagine things are feeling really tough and raw at the moment.

I'm glad you found the forum - this is a safe space to write things down and to reach out to others who understand. I'm sure there will be others here with similar experience and hopefully you'll receive some more replies soon.

If things are feeling tough, have a look at Cruse. They have various resources and also a helpline to support those struggling with grief.

While things must be really difficult right now, keep believing that things will gradually get easier, or at least more manageable.

We are always here for support if ever you need it, and I hope that the forum is useful for you.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Ciaomary

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It's so unbelievably difficult.

I wanted to write to you as your post really resonated with me. My Mum died in December last year so I've just had the 1 year anniversary which I can't quite believe is possible to be honest. 
 

So much of what you say I can relate to with what happened to my Mum in the hospice. The pain, the agitation, wanting to get out of bed and having to physically restrain. It's heartbreaking and I really feel your distress. I won't lie to you, after my Mum passed I was very much haunted by so many flashbacks and I still find it incredibly difficult to think about the things she endured. What I would say though is that the intensity is now much less and I get them less frequently. I find that they come and then if I do some breathing and sit with it - they pass. I had some counselling through the hospice my Mum was in - could that be an option for you? I found talking through the thoughts in my head was really helpful. 
 

I read that when we are in a stressful situation seeing things we've never seen before our brains don't quite know what to do with the images so they kind of bounce around whilst they figure out where to go. I found that kind of helpful to understand what was going on and made me feel less like I was losing my mind in all honesty .
 

You are at such an early stage at the moment and have difficult days ahead but it does get easier. You become more used to how you feel and I think can recognise when those 'waves' come. On here you're never alone so anytime you need to chat or vent or talk about the things you're experience there's always someone on here who knows exactly what you're going through. 
 

Be kind to yourself.KT 

That's incredibly traumatic to see this and be unable to help.

The 3 weeks must have felt like 3 years. 

I understand how badly it can impact you as my brother had a bad death from throat and lung cancer .I had nightmares so did my sister for probably 6 months but it did fade into happier memories of him.

My husband was completely traumatised at the death of our sons fiancee who had multiple cancers following bowel cancer that spread. He sat and held her hand all night and she got agitated a lot ,that's the body trying to get oxygen to the brain I think,not 100% sure but know it's common. 

Unfortunately getting medication for breakthrough pain fast can be hard, our daughter in.law to be opted to die at home and we had to get a doctor to sign off increase doses then nurse to administer it wasn't easy knowing her pain was bad and she begged me to help her more than once,  I  still cry thinking of my beautiful girl only 36 going through that.

When my brother died, I allowed myself a set amount of time to think about it all, then put it away in my head and did something to keep me busy. I reduced the time I allowed myself to think about it all gradually. 

I replaced some of the time with good memories and now I just have the good ones although seeing similar did bring it back but I knew what was happening so didn't panic so much.

I think counselling can help but in reality I think we stay in shock for longer than you may think. 

Big hugs  it's incredibly sad xxx