Hello I'm so sorry for your loss,it is very difficult there is no time limit on loss as time goes on it does get easier but you never forget.My mum,sister and dad all passed away within 5 years of each other,I miss them all so much but I know they would want me to be happy just think of all the memories you had with your dad,it will help x

Hi Lynne,

I am so sorry to read about you Dad and the pain you are still feeling. I have only just 5 weeks ago lost my Mum so I am in the very early stages of this nightmare. I can only sympathise with your pain and loss, I know how horrific it is. Please don't be scared to tell people that your still feeling everything as if it were recent, I can understand how grief and the pain we feel can still feel as raw as if they had just gone. Every single person's bereavement and loss is unique to them, there is no right or wrong.

I don't imagine for one minute I will feel any better in a few years time, I loved my Mum with all my heart for 47 years so why would I feel better in a few years. Sometimes I can imagine the pain will be there a lifetime but we become more 'use' to carrying that pain with us. We will always miss them, we will always want to tell them everything, share things with them, include them into our daily lives. There will always be a space in our life/heart where they are missing, this is normal. 

I am here if you need to talk. Take care and know that what you are going through 4 years later is because you loved your Dad so so much and will always love him and naturally with that love comes an immense sadness and loss.

Jane

Hi Chrissy, I had been wondering how you are.  Your words really resonated with me.  My mum has been gone 25 years this november (I was quite young when she died) and I still miss her very much.  Like you I don't have any children, it's just me and my husband, and both of us are very ill, me with stage 4 cancer and my husband with several life-threatening health issues.  I have 2 sisters but I live a long way from them, and I was never that close to them anyway.  You don't 'get over' the loss of your parents.......you somehow get through it, but you are so right.............the pain is there for a lifetime, but what I found is that the rawness and harshness of that pain becomes sort of bearable, if that makes sense.  I have been dreaming of my mum lately, which is somehow very comforting. Anyway mate, enough of my waffling, take care , Violet, xx

Hi Violetgirl,

Thank you for thinking of me, I find coming on here and reading/replying to others is the only real source of true understanding I am getting at the moment, support from people that really sympathise because they KNOW how one another is feeling. I was so sorry to read you lost your Mum 25 years ago and you were obviously much younger than I am now so that is really difficult. I know I am blessed to have had my Mum in my life for 47 years but selfishly I wanted her with me more and more, its never enough. I do believe when you don't have children sometimes our parents fill that gap that children would have. I was able to give my Mum more of my time and we spent so much time together, most of the last 18 years. Like yourself I have 1 sister but we are not close at all, she didn't help my Mum so I only really had my Mum. Its an amazing love that lasts a lifetime isn't it? 25 years since your Mum has been gone but your still missing her so much and thats a credit to the love you shared together. It does make sense about the rawness easing off in time, I'm a long way off that but I can understand that in time the awful overwhelming pain does ease, there are no shortcuts, no easy paths through it. It helps me to know that others have felt my pain and can talk to me 25 years later and say what you have said, honestly thank you. I was thinking I haven't dreamt of my Mum yet and I wish she would be in my dreams so its lovely to know your Mum has appeared in your dreams and what a lovely comfort. I found comfort and supprt from your message and in no way were you waffling, I always waffle on according to my partner so join the club! :) Take care yourself. how are you doing? So sorry that you are diagnosed with stage 4 and your husband is so ill too, your amazing to come on here and find time to support others, I hope we can help you too. Jane xx

Hi Chrissy, thank you for asking, me and my husband are making the most of the time we have together.  Please don't feel that you are selfish for wanting your Mother to have been in your life longer than the 47 years that she was here with you, because the truth is, there is never a 'right' time to lose those we love...........ALL of us want the impossible:  We want our mums here forever.  Like you, I find it comforting to be able to come to this forum and not have to explain how I feel........people that have walked in our shoes or are going through what we once went through know how we feel.  When my mum first died, one of the girls I worked with at the time was honest enough to admit to me that she simply couldn't comprehend how I felt, because she still had her mum, and I told her that it was absolutely fine.......we can not comprehend what we have not experienced ourselves.  You are so right when you say that this journey of grief has no short cuts...........it is a real baptism of fire isn't it?  For quite a long time it doesn't feel quite real.  I remember one time when I was at work, my mum had been gone for about 6 months, and I went to phone her, which was something I had done every day in my dinner break........and the realisation that she was no longer there to answer my call was like someone throwing a bucket of ice over me.  I feel certain that your mum will appear in your dreams at some point, and you know Chrissy, I can still feel my mum's spirit around me, even after all these years.  I firmly believe that the Mother/Child bond is so strong that even death can not break it.  Take care mate, sending virtual hugs, Violet, xx

Hi I recently lost my mum who was critically ill with palliative care and then 70 days later lost my dad too.We didn't even know he was ill.He was 81 went to doctor with an urine infection and he was also jaundice,blood tests carried out, then he had to go to hospital for tests a week after them

2 Days after being admitted to hospital he was on oxygen a 5cm was found on his pancreas which had spread to his liver and lungs.4 days after he died.As a family we are still in shock.Its only been 11 weeks since he died I cry everyday the bungalow they lived in is still the way he left that day so sad. 

I feel angry that I didn't know he was poorly 

He had lost weight but put this down to his worry over my mum being ill and also he had had itchy skin.If I had known these were symptoms of pancreatic cancer maybe we could help but I think it had spread by then 

Trying to be positive but feel very upset still .

People say they are together now which does not help he was a fit and healthy 81 year old with loads of life a week before and was carrying in and keeping himself bysy6bkess him 

Miss them so much x 

Hi Ali,

Oh my gosh I am so sorry to hear you have lost both your parents, and your father in such a sudden way. I can understand how much of a shock it must have been. Now you are left to try and pick up the pieces of losing them both and trying to understand it all. 

My Mum was diagnosed with cancer in February and now she is gone although it was covid that caused the death and it was sudden and unexpected. One minute they are doing ok and then they are gone. cancer is horrific. Its completely devastating to be fine and then find out you have cancer that has spread and then lose your life like that. My Uncle had cancer all over his body and he was fine like your father, doing his gardening. Apart from losing some weight no other symptoms. I am so sorry for your loss.

I think its normal to feel angry. I often look back and feel angry, angry that the lung department stopped my Mum's CT Scans because the changes to her lungs didn't appear any different in a certain timescale so they stopped checking, by the time she had symptoms it was too late it was advanced and incurable. I wish now I had forced them to continue the CT scans, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I will be sending a letter detailing my heartbreak at their decision, I think sometimes just writing it all down and letting them know can help, it certainly won;t do any harm.

Its early days for your emotions. I think we will go through so many emotions and feelings in the coming months, we have lost the most important people.

Here if you need to talk.

Jane

Thank you for your reply, its just going to their home is the worst , his slippers are still there where he left them.He wasn't frightened he was very brave so was my mum although a stroke was the cause of her dying She had a morphine syringe driver which made things comfortable for her I held her hand at the end .

Not sure if my sister and I were there just on time for my dad which saddens me to think he was alone.I guess we will never know.

I'm so sorry for your losses too we have to keep going for ourselves and they live on in us.

I'm sure as time goes in we will feel things ease a little but as you say it's early days for us all .Much love to you x Here for you too x 

Hi Lynne.F,

We had a lovely green woodpecker that visited our garden quite a few times and this morning I found it , unfortunately, it had died, not sure how. it reminded me of when my mum rescued a little baby bird and tried to feed it some worms but sadly it didn't survive.My mum was the kindest person you could ever meet.

My beautiful mum died in September 2018 and like you I still struggle with the loss, so I understand some of how you are feeling, it's horrible isn't it. Someone asked about my mum the other day and I had to say she had passed away but couldn't speak after that; the truth is I can rarely speak about my mum without crying. It's still painful, I guess the only thing I can say is the raw grief does subside but there is no time limit, whatever and however you feel is normal. I hope like me there are instances and people/ family in your life that bring you joy and laughter but for me, there will always be a part of me, a sadness that won't go and I have to accept that. I can say for sure that you're not letting your dad down, it's brave to come onto this forum and talk about your feelings and you help others, like me to not feel abnormal in how I feel, so thank you.

Selling your dads car must have been really heart wrenching, as you say, it was part of him but you're part of him, a lady on this forum says that we carry our loved ones in our hearts, that will never change.

I chat to my mum's photo and somehow I know she hears me and I get a good idea of what she might be saying back, especially if it's about my cooking and not quite sticking to her recipes!

If it's not too personal to say, you'll always miss your dad and I'll always miss mum, I'm trying to live a life that my mum would want for me and hope that she's looking down on me, helping me to do that.

It's hard Lynne, I know, don't think about the time, just a day at a time or however you feel, it's ok. Sending you warm wishes x