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I don't know how to cope without my mum

SeasideSwimmer
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My beautiful and kind mum passed away on the 5th December 2021 aged 60. Ever since that day it feels like every single fiber of my being is hurting, and calling for her to come back. 

My mum had a long and hard journey with her cancer. She was diagnosed in March 2020, the first weekend of lockdown, and she showed such incredible strength throughout it all. We had always had so much hope, even after we were told she was palliative in June 2021. I moved my wedding from July 2023 to Feb 2022 in the hopes she would be there to see it... but she didn't. 

I'm 25, an only child, and I am desperately trying to survive this ordeal, but the idea of having my wedding day in 2 months without her breaks me. I graduated 3 days after she passed and it was the hardest thing I've done.

I was with my mum when she took her last breath, and watcher her heart beat slow down. It was peaceful, but I just need her. I'll never stop needing her and I don't quite understand why it had to be her. All the things in life I wanted to share with her, like graduation, my wedding, my first child... how the hell do I do this without her?

I feel this huge emptiness, I just don't quite know how to cope...

 

Parents
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    I really am struggling to type a message.  

    I'm so ****** off with Covid!  I'm coming out the end of my isolation and it has made me just so bitter and exhausted.  I have mulled for hours over my own mother's passing.....and that was last year.  With no/little access to GP's, she put up with an aching leg pain.  6 months later it was diagnosed as Bone Cancer, weeks later she passed.  Without being able to keep busy over the past week, I have stewed.  

    I rushed back into work last year.  A mistake I regret....sometimes you need time to process and grieve with empty space around you, rather than it being filled with 'to-do' lists. 

    I miss dropping in at home and catching up.  Sounding her out on things, even if I rarely acted on her advice! 

    I also feel that I shouldn't be moaning as I was fortunate to have her until her 69th year.  I'm in my 40's......why should I be annoyed!?  I was lucky I suppose.  I taught a girl last year who lost her Dad at 8yrs old!  Life is ***.  I swear a lot more now!  

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    I really am struggling to type a message.  

    I'm so ****** off with Covid!  I'm coming out the end of my isolation and it has made me just so bitter and exhausted.  I have mulled for hours over my own mother's passing.....and that was last year.  With no/little access to GP's, she put up with an aching leg pain.  6 months later it was diagnosed as Bone Cancer, weeks later she passed.  Without being able to keep busy over the past week, I have stewed.  

    I rushed back into work last year.  A mistake I regret....sometimes you need time to process and grieve with empty space around you, rather than it being filled with 'to-do' lists. 

    I miss dropping in at home and catching up.  Sounding her out on things, even if I rarely acted on her advice! 

    I also feel that I shouldn't be moaning as I was fortunate to have her until her 69th year.  I'm in my 40's......why should I be annoyed!?  I was lucky I suppose.  I taught a girl last year who lost her Dad at 8yrs old!  Life is ***.  I swear a lot more now!  

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