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I don't know how to cope without my mum

SeasideSwimmer
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My beautiful and kind mum passed away on the 5th December 2021 aged 60. Ever since that day it feels like every single fiber of my being is hurting, and calling for her to come back. 

My mum had a long and hard journey with her cancer. She was diagnosed in March 2020, the first weekend of lockdown, and she showed such incredible strength throughout it all. We had always had so much hope, even after we were told she was palliative in June 2021. I moved my wedding from July 2023 to Feb 2022 in the hopes she would be there to see it... but she didn't. 

I'm 25, an only child, and I am desperately trying to survive this ordeal, but the idea of having my wedding day in 2 months without her breaks me. I graduated 3 days after she passed and it was the hardest thing I've done.

I was with my mum when she took her last breath, and watcher her heart beat slow down. It was peaceful, but I just need her. I'll never stop needing her and I don't quite understand why it had to be her. All the things in life I wanted to share with her, like graduation, my wedding, my first child... how the hell do I do this without her?

I feel this huge emptiness, I just don't quite know how to cope...

 

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    I'm so very sorry for your loss.

    I lost my mum in July 2021, she was diagnosed with 2 types of leukaemia.

    I was her eldest of 4 daughters, and she was my mum, my dad, my best friend. 
    mum am also struggling, not coping.

    my mum was diagnosed September 2020, and she was unable to receive a stem cell transplant as the two round of chemotherapy she received caused heart failure.

    she was told there was no cancer in April 2021, and on the 20th of may 2021 I went into hospital with pains in my chest, face, jaw, neck, shoulders and arms, doctors said I had broken heart syndrome and a swollen heart due to an infection.

    they kept me in hospital for 15 days, they discovered I had multiple heart attacks while I was in hospital and I had stents fitted. The day I came out of hospital my mum went back in hospital and was told the cancer had returned and she had weeks to live.

    while I was in hospital she came to look after my 3 young children, and I tild her not to as she was very weak and still very ill, she said they were her grandchildren and she was looking after them, you couldn't win a argument with my mum, then for 6 weeks I would go back and forth and stay with her a few days until she passed away.

    what I am now writing in no way describes the feelings or love or care what was felt fo her as that is too painful to put into words.

    But since she passed I have increasingly lost sense of reality. My brain can't see logic and I'm truly debilitated.

    how do you live without your moral compass, without the one person that loves and cares for you without conditions.

    the tears they don't stop, the pain is indescribable, and she was only 61. My children lost their nanny. I lost my soul.

    I can't see how I will ever feel any normality again.

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    Hi. I thought I would reply as your experience is very similar to mine. 
     

    My mother passed away on 5th November, she was 60. It was all very sudden and within 6 weeks from diagnosis she had gone. We were still trying to digest she had cancer let alone anything else.

     

    I was there when she passed, watching someone you love deteriorate in front of your eyes and knowing there is nothing you can do is extremely traumatic. The smallest of things are triggers to me at the moment from it. 

    I am an only child also. Me and my mother were very close as my parents split when I was young. I've just turned 31 so a little bit older than you but everything you have said I can relate to. The wedding, the grand children, the lost future. It's very hard to think of a world without my mother. 
     

    I also feel the emptiness you talk about. It feels like she took a piece of me with her when she left and my heart is so heavy all the time. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and when I think I can't possibly feel like this anymore it does get a little bit lighter or I try and distract myself for a short time. 
     

    It's been 5 weeks for me, I can't say it's got any easier, although I wish I could tell you it does. But I try to think that my mother wouldn't want me to waste my life constantly crying. I have started doing little things again around the house, seeing some friends, walking the dogs etc. I found getting out of bed absolutely horrendous the first few weeks, but if it helps that is starting to get less overbearing. 

     

    All I can say is your mother won't be with your physically at your wedding but she will be with your in spirit. She knew about the date and you must go through with it in her honour. 
     

    I hope that it helps to know that your not alone and your not the only one suffering, because grief is very isolating. I'm happy to chat if you ever feel like you need someone. 
     

    I have also started seeing a counsellor privately that has helped me feel a bit better about myself and know that what I'm feeling is normal. 

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    I really am struggling to type a message.  

    I'm so ****** off with Covid!  I'm coming out the end of my isolation and it has made me just so bitter and exhausted.  I have mulled for hours over my own mother's passing.....and that was last year.  With no/little access to GP's, she put up with an aching leg pain.  6 months later it was diagnosed as Bone Cancer, weeks later she passed.  Without being able to keep busy over the past week, I have stewed.  

    I rushed back into work last year.  A mistake I regret....sometimes you need time to process and grieve with empty space around you, rather than it being filled with 'to-do' lists. 

    I miss dropping in at home and catching up.  Sounding her out on things, even if I rarely acted on her advice! 

    I also feel that I shouldn't be moaning as I was fortunate to have her until her 69th year.  I'm in my 40's......why should I be annoyed!?  I was lucky I suppose.  I taught a girl last year who lost her Dad at 8yrs old!  Life is ***.  I swear a lot more now!  

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    Hi,

    I was like u Hun. A total mess after loosing my mam. All I can say us it does get easier to cope with. Grief is a process and it takes time to heal. I found reading about loss, grief etc helps. It makes you make sense of that totally lost feeling you have. Keep your self busy.  Get in a routine of doing something every day. No matter how small. Talking is also good. I met strangers in the park whilst out walking and got chatting. It's amazing how totally strangers understand  how u feel. I got tablets to treat my anxiety which helped calm me down and relax a bit. I could not switch off, could not eat or sleep.  This did improve over time. speak to your GP.   Time is a great healer and it normal what' u r feeling now. 

    Take care

    Anne

  • Hello SeasideSwimmer,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat and I'm very sorry for your loss.

    Your mum sounds like a wonderful person and I can't imagine how difficult it has been. I'm sure you have some wonderful memories of her and hope that your partner is supporting you through this. If you ever need further support, Cruse bereavement helpline is available on 0808 808 1677. There is also some advice here and the forum is always here for you.

    Thinking of you at this difficult time,

    Moderator Anastasia

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    So very sorry to hear of your loss, my heart goes out to you. You can never ever replace your mum but she is forever in your heart and memories. I lost my mum to breast cancer 28 years ago. She had secondary cancer in the bone by the time we found out. I lost my dad 3 months later

    i can honestly say the hurt and ache does get better over time but will be with you for a while. You will always have times where you need your mum that's natural. Hold on to your memories of your lovely mum and the times you had

    i have just been diagnosed with breast cancer myself so my fight is just beginning - please make sure you get tested. 
    best wishes, always here to listen and support x
     

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    Hi so sorry for your loss I lost my mum to metastatic lung cancer last month on the 14th November (remembrance Sunday) and buried her on the 1st December she was just 65 years old.

    I nursed her all the way through and now I don't know what to do i miss her so much it hurts, I can't stop relieving the last days she suffered so much it was cruel.

    I just can't believe that I'm never going to see her again. I totally understand how you are feeling, The only way I can describe this feeling is that it a weird feeling and my heart aches.

    I dread any christmas music my mum loved Christmas which makes it so hard I don't want to celebrate it at all how am I supposed to enjoy it and carry on when my mum is gone.

    I just want her back. . My dad is so lost without her and is really depressed. My mum didn't deserve it at all she was so active and fiercely independent, she and my dad has fostered so many children after her own grew up and left home, why did she have to die like this. X

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