Cancer Research UK main site

Dealing with dads anger

Crazycupcakes
Offline

Hi , 

I’m hoping for some advice, a month  ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer on his vocal cords, which has affected his voice. Last week he has surgery to remove most of the tumour, which will be followed by radiotherapy. Since the operation his voice is worse than ever and he is having trouble eating and especially drinking. We were told that this could happen after the surgery but should improve in the next few weeks.

since my dad was diagnosed he has been like a different person, he is angry all the time. I’m only 19, and have moved in with him to look after him, since the operation his anger has become even worse and always seems to be directed at me. I understand why he is angry, but he doesn’t seem to get that this is affecting me as well. I don’t know how to bring this up within appearing selfish. 

Anyone have advice on how I could approach him or how I can ignore the anger? 

  • Offline

    Hi there ...

    So so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... 

    Cancer is the reason he's angry .. it is not an excuse to be angry and take it out on those who care and try to help .. you should never be anyone's punch bag ... 

    I've got cancer too, and yes it's rough and crule, but I'd never take it out on those I love .. if I were you, when he gets angry , I'd walk out and do something completely different ... and only go back when he's being civil  ... that way he'll learn when he looses it .. people go .. when he's calmer you'll stay .. try not to get angry .. don't shout back, just go .. or say "dad I'm not taking that from you" and get out the situation ..   

    Please don't take it ... it's abuse ... the longer he gets away with it, the angrier he'll get ... you can tell him you love him .. but are not staying to be shouted at .. fingers crossed it won't take long for him to realise he only gets positive attention when he's being o.k ... if ever I shouted or vented at my son's .. I hope they'd deff go and not take it ... your an amazing son taking it as much as you have .. he's very lucky to have you ...   Chrissie x

  • Offline

    My mum was the same, she knew she would be like that before it happened so she asked me to just try and be patient. Nod and agree with them or just change the subject. Needless to say it was too hard and most of the time I would react, we spent most of our time fighting cause I couldn’t handle being spoken to the way I did, pls try not to do what I did cause it just makes you feel worse. One of the nurses at the hospice told my mum she was being too harsh on me, it might take an outsider to gently mention it to him xx

  • Offline

    Hi you must be living a nightmare guess your dads frustrated angry and frightend and depressed and with men depression can manifest itself with anger maybe have a word with your gp they may be able to give your dad something to help calme him down a bit .but your not there as whipping boy for his anger at cancer.best to be just straght tell him its realy stressing you out and he needs to calme down its a horrible thing your both going through but it shouldnt be like that ime so sorry your all going through this but have a word with go or his nurse first then work from there eh .paul

  • Offline

    Hi 

    My Dad on occasions would take his frustrations out on me , at first I would have a go back but quickly realised that this was about him and what he was feeling . I then started to say that he had every right to be angry and that I was ok with him having a go , im sure it also helped him as he would be calm afterwards. He on occasions would apologise and I’d say there was no need as it was his right to be angry , I also witnessed him cry a little which as you could imagine would upset me - your Dad’s feeling of anger are natural , he loves you just the same , he’s allowed to be angry and so are you . Keep doing what your doing and maybe tell him it’s ok , see how he reacts . 

    I remember telling my Dad that If I could take his illness away I would , If I could give him an organ to help him I would but we both knew it wouldn’t help  .......  he said “ son I know you’d do that for me “ tell your Dad what you want to tell him , I think it’s that simple .

    Take care both . 

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.