Hi Krystal

It sounds as if you dont have much time left with your mother and things can go on very slowly ans then suddely deterioate very quickly so its important you make as much of this time as possible. I'm guessing from what you say that she's not that mobile but do what you can with her to try to have a bit of fun with her. or just talk about the good times.

Try not to get too angry it doesn't help - remember there are people out there not dealing with the loss of a parent but the loss of a husband - the loss of a child.

I know what you mean about what to expect, We talk endlessly about the mechanics if sex and birth but never about death. I find that the professionals tend not to offer information unless you ask directly. IWhen my wife was dying I asked the palliative team what it would be like and they were very helpful - they were great in all sorts of ways actually. McMillan too, they are very helpful but ask them things directly.

You know the old thing about "give mre the strength to chang the things I can change the serenity to accept the things I cant and the wisdom to know the difference"? Thats my top tip. You cant change what will happen, you can change how it will, If you accept her inevitable passing and concentrate on making sure that it is as easy as possible and that she slips away knowing that she is loved surrounded by familly and friends you will be able to feel you have done what you needed to do.

And if you find it difficult to talk to familly and friends about how you feel come on here and talk to us

Krystal,

Welcome to the forum, you may not get the answers you're looking for but at least you know you are talking to people who can empathise with your situation because they've been in a similar situation.

Bear with me here, it will make sense in a minute ... I came across the 5 stages of grief* model in a completely different situation but the model fits quite well with the process we all go through with cancer whether or not it ends with the death of a loved one. We all progress through the different stages at different speeds and it can't be hurried. 

Denial is hard to get through - "it can't be happening to Mum/Dad/son/daughter/partner/me" ... I'm almost three years in and I still slip back into this stage from time to time.

Anger comes next - somehow you need to vent your anger without it becoming too destructive. Feel free to come on here for a rant, getting things off your chest isn't easy with your loved ones as you are only too painfully aware that they are hurting too. If you bottle everything up it will either drive you crazy or spill over at the worst possible time imaginable!

Bargaining and depression are pretty self-explanatory and inevitable however hard we try to avoid them. 

The final stage is acceptance - which GrahamM has described really well in his post. Getting there isn't easy, most of us need to visit (and often re-visit) each of the earlier stages before we can accept our new reality and get on with living our lives.

Try to spend some time with your Mum and build up happy memories with her and your family. It is all too easy to waste precious time mourning for someone before they've actually died.   

Good luck
Dave

* en.wikipedia.org/.../Kübler-Ross_model

Hi Krystal, 

I know how angry you are. I lost my mum 6 months ago but she was ill for a long time and I was her full time carer. I understand your frustration, its a sense of uselessness to help your beautiful mother. You see her in pain and that hurts you. You can't take the pain away. Cancer is a vile, disgusting disease and it hurts the ones we love. My experience will be different from yours, because we all deal with having a terminally ill parent differently. But you are stronger than you know. There are points when I thought I would break, in my case my mum had brain cancer and in her last weeks she was very paranoid that the doctors were trying to kill her and this made taking care of her very hard. It will never be easy to see something like that happen to a person you love. But being there, suffering through this illness with your mother is the only thing you can do. There is no other way but to be strong for her. I really really do know how you feel, I can't emphasise that enough. All you can do is be there, love her, tell her you love her. Tell her everything she has done that has made you happy over the years, bring up funny ancedotes from your childhood. These little things will seem like light in the darkness. I am sending all my love and strength to you, you can and will get through this pain. 

Thankyou so much for all your replies. It's really very helpful to talk to people how are/have been through the same thing. I've been with my mum every day, doing as you have all suggested, I'm enjoying my time with her, and enjoy watching her smile when she's with my precious children. It's so hard to be positive it situations like this, and usually I'm such a positive person!

Just totally devastating to watch this beautiful woman this is my mum deteriorate in front of my eyes every day. I'm still scared of the unknown all though I know what the final outcome is, im scared of not knowing when it's happening!

Again Thankyou for your time and replies xx