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Partners suffer too...Help?

allsparks
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I am a 27 year old divorced mother of two who thought 11 months ago, when I met my partner, that things were finally looking up. Six months into our relationship in August last year, he was diagnosed with colon cancer, it had penetrated and gone through the bowel wall and had spread to the lymphatic system. He had surgery to remove the tumour and has had 8 of his 9 chemo sessions - last one is this coming Monday and has his CT scan the following day. The last few months have been horrendous. I moved about 60 miles away from my home town to be with him before we found out about the cancer and I feel so completely alone. I'm trying my best to be as supportive as possible, both practically and emotionally but he is pushing me away. I've been with him through it all, and he says cancer changes your perspective on life completely. I desperately hope it's not all for nothing. I love him so much and I'm being as understanding as I can. I'm just so worried of being hurt, I'm scared that I'm doing all the practical and emotional support for him and his five year old son but I'm not getting any myself and he's probably going to end it anyway. Please someone, tell me this is íprobably just because of where he's at right now. If anyone has any tips on ' how not to go insane' it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

  • Offline in reply to brighteyes
    Thanks Stephen. I really appreciate having found people like you here xx
  • Offline in reply to allsparks

    Hi Amy, I'm so sorry that you find yourselves in this position. The other people on the forum have certainly given you some excellent feedback on the challenges you are facing, so I'll just let those resonate with you for now. I have been where you are now - as a caregive - to a partner, a man who was always the one who did the caretaking. He had a hard time being on the other side of that fence where he needed to be cared for. It was also new into our relationship when he was diagnosed, so it certainly puts a different spin on things. He told me to run while I had the chance and before we got too far into the relationship. I didn't run and was glad I didn't. Now, I'm dealing with cancer myself, intermittantly since 5 years ago and my partner, (a different one) is sticking it out with me, even though I told him to walk when I was first diagnosed. Its' no walk in the park on either side of that fence, but I have developed a better understanding of how that feels.

    I know you have a lot on your plate with 3 young children in your care, along with trying to upgrade your education, and in addition to that, with trying to support your partner through his treatments, etc. You're trying to climb a mountain without any supports from anyone really. I think a heart to heart with some of the people involved with your partner's treatments would help to put something in place there to give you some emotional support at least. You're in a tough place for sure. You need to take care of yourself and your children, so start with the treatment team and perhaps they can assist you and your partner to find some common ground to deal with some of these challenges that you both face.

    Come back on the forum and vent, rant, or do whatever it is you need to do. There are always people on here to respond and provide support as best we can. You have a hard row to hoe. Take care.

    Hugs

    Lorraine

  • Offline in reply to LorraineD

    Well - I have been thinking about you and your family Amy all day. I do think our lovely Lorraine has said everything that I was going to say = so all I need to do is to send you warmest wishes to say you are not alone in this. Its a hard road = but it will get better and you will find peace again. I like to study also - and I wish you well on your nursing = its quite a hard course that. I know your partner is trying to get his head round some very difficult issues - I know us blokes aren't good at expressing our feelings like you ladies do. I want to plant a big smile in your heart - special for YOU, Amy. I want it to travel to your face - to your lips actually, so its like your inner strength = warmed by the smile in your heart. The smile that is like a Rainbow after the storm to show the beauty that is you  - we are all with you at this time

    All the warmest best to you 

    Steven xx

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    hi allsparks ,

    sorry to hear about your partner and the question u have ,like your partner i have colon cancer which is advanced to my liver ,i am on my 8th lot of chemo and theres days i am very stressed, i have in the past taken it  out on my partner,i was diagnosed on aug 14th,when i was first told i went to bits for a couple of hours ,when i told my partner she broke down,it hurt me more knowing the pain i had caused her and made me feel guilty,she worrys alot about me and sometimes that causes pressure,maybe thats wots happening to u and your partner,we found talking to the macmillan nurse helps alot ,not saying this could help u and your partner but maybe u having a chat with them might help,my chemo finishes in march and i have been prewarned about my liver damaged will not repair,so we take each day as it comes now and do wot ever we want,we are making the time we have together speical,i hope this helps and i wish u and your partner all the best.

                                                jack xx

  • Offline in reply to jackal

    Well done Jack on turning a problem into something positive = yea we did the same - the colon cancer was too big a worry for us = so we live for one day at a time and it made us closer. Good luck on the chemo = its strong eh?!

    all the best 

    steven

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    Well, it was Dave's last chemo session yesterday and it all went fine. Despite our decision to have a month apart, I went with him for support. The first song that came on the radio there was Adele - Someone Like You and I had to make a quick dash out to the loo for a good cry. His Dad picked us up when he'd finished and dropped me off at home on my own. we've exchanged a couple of text messages since. He is going for his CT at 2pm and I so wish I was going with him. It feels lonely and cold without him. I would usually have been organising his meds and looking after him. Instead, I'm attempting to type up a lab report on enzyme activity for college and concentrate for the life of me! I know that a break from the relationship is what we both need, particularly Dave because he's got so much stuff to think about, on top of a week or so of waiting and worrying about his scan results. He has lots of friends and family supporting him, which I'm grateful for and find reassuring. I have a couple of friends who I'm speaking to daily on the phone, but it feels like he isn't going through it alone, and I'm having to go through it without him. Am I selfish for thinking that way? We have no plans to meet up and I can't help but feel the months of heartache and worrying and looking after him are being thrown back in my face... Maybe I'm just being overly emotional and irrational? I only saw him yesterday and I miss him so much already. And I'm scared that during this month apart he will decide that he is fine without me, and then what do I do? I don't think I could feel worse at this point than I do now... Xx
  • Offline in reply to allsparks
    Hi Amy, you're not at all selfish for thinking the way you do. I think I'd feel the same way in your position. And as for concentrating on studying, I'm sure that's near impossible as your mind will be all over the place right now. I'm not sure if this would work for you, but when my mind is in overdrive, I write down everything I'm feeling - pouring it out onto paper seems to help clear my mental fog, though it's not for everyone! It was great that you supported Dave during his final chemo yesterday and although you're not planning to see each other for a month, you've presumably told him that you're there if he needs anything. It will be hard, but try and focus on yourself and your kids - do you think all of this has impacted on your relationship with them or have you managed to keep things on an even keel with them? (Not sure what ages they are) This month apart may bring Dave to the decision that he can cope without you, but equally, he may find that he can't get all the things he needs from just his family and friends and wants you back in his life. Stay strong and keep offloading to us, big hugs to you, Jo xx
  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65

    Yes = listen to Jo - just ofload here so you can get the support you need. Get your rest - you must be tired - and treat yourself - yes

    Jo is a wise lady

    xx

  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65
    Sorry for the late response Jo. I haven't seen Dave since chemo on Monday and as awful as it sounds, I'm quite glad of the break! I spent most of Wednesday afternoon and Tuesday in bed, partly so I didn't have to think and partly because I was shattered from weeks of worry. We've spoken a little in texts but nothing heavy. Just chit cha... I've been able to get a fair bit of college work done too. And I've been able to spend time with Annabelle (7) and Joseph (6) On our own, which is lovely and I hadn't realised how much I'd missed that! I've said to Dave that if he needs me for absolutely anything at all then to let me know. I'm going to try and use this time to have a sort of emotional detox and look for the positives in this situation. And try to keep myself busy so I don't miss him too much. I'm going to my friend Ruth's for the weekend back home whilst the kids are with their dad. I need to make the most of what would usually have been mine and Dave's weekend. Hope you guys are all ok. Thank you again for taking the time and care to talk to me. I'm just running a bubble bath with orange and mandarin oils before having an early night. Take care for now, Amy xx
  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65
    Sorry for the late response Jo. I haven't seen Dave since chemo on Monday and as awful as it sounds, I'm quite glad of the break! I spent most of Wednesday afternoon and Tuesday in bed, partly so I didn't have to think and partly because I was shattered from weeks of worry. We've spoken a little in texts but nothing heavy. Just chit cha... I've been able to get a fair bit of college work done too. And I've been able to spend time with Annabelle (7) and Joseph (6) On our own, which is lovely and I hadn't realised how much I'd missed that! I've said to Dave that if he needs me for absolutely anything at all then to let me know. I'm going to try and use this time to have a sort of emotional detox and look for the positives in this situation. And try to keep myself busy so I don't miss him too much. I'm going to my friend Ruth's for the weekend back home whilst the kids are with their dad. I need to make the most of what would usually have been mine and Dave's weekend. Hope you guys are all ok. Thank you again for taking the time and care to talk to me. I'm just running a bubble bath with orange and mandarin oils before having an early night. Take care for now, Amy xx

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