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Partners suffer too...Help?

allsparks
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I am a 27 year old divorced mother of two who thought 11 months ago, when I met my partner, that things were finally looking up. Six months into our relationship in August last year, he was diagnosed with colon cancer, it had penetrated and gone through the bowel wall and had spread to the lymphatic system. He had surgery to remove the tumour and has had 8 of his 9 chemo sessions - last one is this coming Monday and has his CT scan the following day. The last few months have been horrendous. I moved about 60 miles away from my home town to be with him before we found out about the cancer and I feel so completely alone. I'm trying my best to be as supportive as possible, both practically and emotionally but he is pushing me away. I've been with him through it all, and he says cancer changes your perspective on life completely. I desperately hope it's not all for nothing. I love him so much and I'm being as understanding as I can. I'm just so worried of being hurt, I'm scared that I'm doing all the practical and emotional support for him and his five year old son but I'm not getting any myself and he's probably going to end it anyway. Please someone, tell me this is íprobably just because of where he's at right now. If anyone has any tips on ' how not to go insane' it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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    Hi Allsparks = my heart goes out to you this morning. My wife had Bowel C out of the blue two years ago = so I know a bit about the loneliness and problems of being the 'carer' !! I met her 17 years ago after a lifetime of being on my own and I love her very deeply. I remember just crying and crying = I think that this is normal reaction that everyone goes through when Mr. Cancer visits a relationship. 

    The problem for your partner is that he is in the fight for his life and ontop of that = the chemo is very strong. By round six my wifes body was toxic by the chemo and she felt very tired and stressed by the whole business. She felt her body was being harmed. It took alot out of her and she felt very tired.

    She was very snappy to me and both very clingy and quite distant = I think this is a normal reaction to this situation.

    Your feelings also must be very confused = you have given him your love and he is like a rock to you. Now, he is very vulnerable and frightened. He is finding it hard and difficult to control his fears and feelings when he is with you. Equally, you are frightened of being alone and the future looks anything but certain.

    So, its no surprise that you feel under stress. I am sure your patner loves you and deeply needs you = he is coming to terms with the aweful realisation that he has this cancer and it may change things, his body is suffering with the chemo. As you say - you feel you are doing all the giving and caring and giving = This is a time when you are also crying inside. It is a time for sharing and confiding = both with your patner and also your close friends and family. We went on many many walks = Anne and I as we knew that walking clears the mind; we confided to each other our fears and created a fantasy world to live in. I found my own help in self compassion and I placed a self compassion link on the inspiration part of the forum - it teaches how to love your self and keep things in context. But thats me!! Other people dance to music - you need a release.I go jogging.  Cancer is a very heavy number to carry- and exercise is a good help -

    The treatments are good = its just a matter of staying the course for him. There is no blame or reason = things things just happen out of the blue for no reasons. You both can make this awful situation to come closer together = we did! She gave up her QVC - and I gave up my tutoring to be together more and to enjoy TV together. We are closer now and it did have a positive side - which we searched for. This is a new journey for you both.

    The people on the forum here are very kind and caring and they understand all about cancers - so this is a good place to let of steam. Let me surround you with light and surround you with peace and the beauty of a new day. I will place a candle in our window today for you - may it burn strongly and give you hope and peace and love to continue to care for your sick partner and his son - who must also be suffering in his way.

    Write soon

    Steven x

  • Offline in reply to brighteyes
    Morning Stephen, Thank you for your lovely reply. Sometimes it's nice just to hear something positive. People always ask how Dave is feeling and how Dave is coping and they're full of positivity for him, but I have only been asked once how I am feeling and that was by a lovely colorectal nurse called Paula. Mine and Dave's relationship seems to just be on a downward spiral. He says that if we were married or had been together for years then he might feel differently. But it's been short of a year, and he isn't sure if or where I fit into his life whichever way the results of his scan go. We spent most of the morning from the early hours speaking about how the relationship isn't working. He went to a friend's birthday party and didn't come over to my house till 5:30am. He seems unable to give any kind of affection, to the point where I have to ask him to sit on the same sofa as me. But he's happy to let me organise his pills into the right days and doses, and to parent his son when he's not able to. Sometimes I'd do anything for him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, but he can't. He says he sees how much it's hurting me and said he doesn't want to do it anymore. I really am at a loss for what to do. This man is the love of my life and I want to be with him and be there for him, but if he's determined not to be together then what more can I do? I feel completely crushed. I have been everything he could possibly need in the last few months but my best isn't good enough. And I'm angry that all the heartache and the roller-coaster ride that is cancer has been for nothing! It feels like unrequited love and I'm wondering if I should just cut my losses knowing I tried my hardest... Amy x
  • Offline in reply to allsparks

    Dear Amy = Thank you for replying and my heart really goes ot to you all.. When Mr C moves in with you all = things do change. Your relationship is quite fresh and has pressures put onto it. I will think about your predicament today and write later. In the mean times = lets share a hug here to say that we do care and you are worth it. We know that - because as Brian and Jo have said - when Mr C calls = he really rocks the boats!!!!

    The good support of friends is very necessary = you can share it here.

    xx

    Steven 

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  • Offline in reply to allsparks

    Dear Amy = Thank you for replying and my heart really goes ot to you all.. When Mr C moves in with you all = things do change. Your relationship is quite fresh and has pressures put onto it. I will think about your predicament today and write later. In the mean times = lets share a hug here to say that we do care and you are worth it. We know that - because as Brian and Jo have said - when Mr C calls = he really rocks the boats!!!!

    The good support of friends is very necessary = you can share it here.

    xx

    Steven 

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