Well, it was Dave's last chemo session yesterday and it all went fine. Despite our decision to have a month apart, I went with him for support. The first song that came on the radio there was Adele - Someone Like You and I had to make a quick dash out to the loo for a good cry. His Dad picked us up when he'd finished and dropped me off at home on my own. we've exchanged a couple of text messages since. He is going for his CT at 2pm and I so wish I was going with him. It feels lonely and cold without him. I would usually have been organising his meds and looking after him. Instead, I'm attempting to type up a lab report on enzyme activity for college and concentrate for the life of me! I know that a break from the relationship is what we both need, particularly Dave because he's got so much stuff to think about, on top of a week or so of waiting and worrying about his scan results. He has lots of friends and family supporting him, which I'm grateful for and find reassuring. I have a couple of friends who I'm speaking to daily on the phone, but it feels like he isn't going through it alone, and I'm having to go through it without him. Am I selfish for thinking that way? We have no plans to meet up and I can't help but feel the months of heartache and worrying and looking after him are being thrown back in my face... Maybe I'm just being overly emotional and irrational? I only saw him yesterday and I miss him so much already. And I'm scared that during this month apart he will decide that he is fine without me, and then what do I do? I don't think I could feel worse at this point than I do now... Xx

Hi Amy, you're not at all selfish for thinking the way you do. I think I'd feel the same way in your position. And as for concentrating on studying, I'm sure that's near impossible as your mind will be all over the place right now. I'm not sure if this would work for you, but when my mind is in overdrive, I write down everything I'm feeling - pouring it out onto paper seems to help clear my mental fog, though it's not for everyone! It was great that you supported Dave during his final chemo yesterday and although you're not planning to see each other for a month, you've presumably told him that you're there if he needs anything. It will be hard, but try and focus on yourself and your kids - do you think all of this has impacted on your relationship with them or have you managed to keep things on an even keel with them? (Not sure what ages they are) This month apart may bring Dave to the decision that he can cope without you, but equally, he may find that he can't get all the things he needs from just his family and friends and wants you back in his life. Stay strong and keep offloading to us, big hugs to you, Jo xx