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Partners suffer too...Help?

allsparks
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I am a 27 year old divorced mother of two who thought 11 months ago, when I met my partner, that things were finally looking up. Six months into our relationship in August last year, he was diagnosed with colon cancer, it had penetrated and gone through the bowel wall and had spread to the lymphatic system. He had surgery to remove the tumour and has had 8 of his 9 chemo sessions - last one is this coming Monday and has his CT scan the following day. The last few months have been horrendous. I moved about 60 miles away from my home town to be with him before we found out about the cancer and I feel so completely alone. I'm trying my best to be as supportive as possible, both practically and emotionally but he is pushing me away. I've been with him through it all, and he says cancer changes your perspective on life completely. I desperately hope it's not all for nothing. I love him so much and I'm being as understanding as I can. I'm just so worried of being hurt, I'm scared that I'm doing all the practical and emotional support for him and his five year old son but I'm not getting any myself and he's probably going to end it anyway. Please someone, tell me this is íprobably just because of where he's at right now. If anyone has any tips on ' how not to go insane' it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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    Hi Allsparks, welcome to the forum. Sorry to read about your partner's illness. I think Steven has really summed up the emotional aspects of this awful disease, from both sides of the fence. I can appreciate how you must be feeling - you are giving your partner the love and care he needs yet he is pushing you away. It's good that you recognise that you need support yourself and wonder if you know about the services that Macmillan offer to help support families and carers? The hospital where your partner has his chemo will have details of support groups in the area too. You can ring the nurses on this site too as they will have information about getting support as a carer. It's also more difficult for you as you've moved away from your home town, where you probably had a closer network of friends (and possibly family?) to call upon. Are you still in regular contact with the people back home? (Sorry if that sounds an odd question!) I'm sure they'd be more than happy to be called upon right now - not sure how you're fixed for making arrangements for visits or a day out with your friends? Sometimes (as carers and patients) we need a little time out from ' the new normal' that we adjust to. Could you maybe arrange something for your partner to do too? (I know the chemo will be taking its toll so obviously whatever you arrange would have to be do-able!) Does he have mates he can offload to? Once you've had this time, then think about arranging a special treat for you both to do together- as Steven suggested, walks are a great opportunity to talk to each other - and to get to know each other again. It's very tricky to offer virtual advice to others, as we don't have the full picture of the position you're in, so I hope the suggestions I've made don't sound patronising. Take care of yourself and let us know how things are going. Sending you a hug, Jo xx
  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65
    Hi Jo, Thank you for replying. I think days out and meeting friends would be a good idea but time restraints because of my children, me not being able to drive and my studies (I'm doing an access to higher education course so I can hopefully start a degree in nursing this September) makes it more difficult. I chat to friends on the phone sometimes but I'm not close to my family and don't have a brilliant support network, that's what made it so easy to leave my hometown and move here so I could see Dave more often... I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision... Amy xx
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  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65
    Hi Jo, Thank you for replying. I think days out and meeting friends would be a good idea but time restraints because of my children, me not being able to drive and my studies (I'm doing an access to higher education course so I can hopefully start a degree in nursing this September) makes it more difficult. I chat to friends on the phone sometimes but I'm not close to my family and don't have a brilliant support network, that's what made it so easy to leave my hometown and move here so I could see Dave more often... I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision... Amy xx
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  • Offline in reply to allsparks
    Hi Amy, I can understand how days out etc are difficult to arrange with two children to consider too. Make sure you get some 'you' time and treats a few times a week - even a cheeky bar of chocolate with your cuppa! Your reply to Steven really saddened me. It must be so difficult to know the right thing to do. The fact that you're talking things through is good, but obviously the things Dave is saying about your relationship, are not what you want to hear. You're coping with so many things - new(ish) relationship, moving away from your hometown (even though you said it wasn't too much of a wrench to leave) two children (plus Dave's) to take care of and you're studying too! All of these would be enough to deal with on their own, without the added stress of Dave's illness. I'm presuming it will a week to ten days after the scan on Tuesday that Dave gets the results. It may be that once he gets the full picture about his health, he will feel more able to think about your relationship (and depending on the result, he may even think differently to how he feels now.) You are doing a fantastic job in caring for him and supporting him practically and emotionally - I hope you'll keep coming to us to offload so we can try to support you too. Hope tomorrow's final chemo session goes ok. Take care Amy, hugs Jo xx
  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65
    Thank you Jo. That means a lot. And it's a comfort knowing that there are lovely people like yourself who have such kind words xx
  • Offline in reply to allsparks

    Hi Amy, I'm so sorry that you find yourselves in this position. The other people on the forum have certainly given you some excellent feedback on the challenges you are facing, so I'll just let those resonate with you for now. I have been where you are now - as a caregive - to a partner, a man who was always the one who did the caretaking. He had a hard time being on the other side of that fence where he needed to be cared for. It was also new into our relationship when he was diagnosed, so it certainly puts a different spin on things. He told me to run while I had the chance and before we got too far into the relationship. I didn't run and was glad I didn't. Now, I'm dealing with cancer myself, intermittantly since 5 years ago and my partner, (a different one) is sticking it out with me, even though I told him to walk when I was first diagnosed. Its' no walk in the park on either side of that fence, but I have developed a better understanding of how that feels.

    I know you have a lot on your plate with 3 young children in your care, along with trying to upgrade your education, and in addition to that, with trying to support your partner through his treatments, etc. You're trying to climb a mountain without any supports from anyone really. I think a heart to heart with some of the people involved with your partner's treatments would help to put something in place there to give you some emotional support at least. You're in a tough place for sure. You need to take care of yourself and your children, so start with the treatment team and perhaps they can assist you and your partner to find some common ground to deal with some of these challenges that you both face.

    Come back on the forum and vent, rant, or do whatever it is you need to do. There are always people on here to respond and provide support as best we can. You have a hard row to hoe. Take care.

    Hugs

    Lorraine

  • Offline in reply to LorraineD

    Well - I have been thinking about you and your family Amy all day. I do think our lovely Lorraine has said everything that I was going to say = so all I need to do is to send you warmest wishes to say you are not alone in this. Its a hard road = but it will get better and you will find peace again. I like to study also - and I wish you well on your nursing = its quite a hard course that. I know your partner is trying to get his head round some very difficult issues - I know us blokes aren't good at expressing our feelings like you ladies do. I want to plant a big smile in your heart - special for YOU, Amy. I want it to travel to your face - to your lips actually, so its like your inner strength = warmed by the smile in your heart. The smile that is like a Rainbow after the storm to show the beauty that is you  - we are all with you at this time

    All the warmest best to you 

    Steven xx

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