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Partners suffer too...Help?

allsparks
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I am a 27 year old divorced mother of two who thought 11 months ago, when I met my partner, that things were finally looking up. Six months into our relationship in August last year, he was diagnosed with colon cancer, it had penetrated and gone through the bowel wall and had spread to the lymphatic system. He had surgery to remove the tumour and has had 8 of his 9 chemo sessions - last one is this coming Monday and has his CT scan the following day. The last few months have been horrendous. I moved about 60 miles away from my home town to be with him before we found out about the cancer and I feel so completely alone. I'm trying my best to be as supportive as possible, both practically and emotionally but he is pushing me away. I've been with him through it all, and he says cancer changes your perspective on life completely. I desperately hope it's not all for nothing. I love him so much and I'm being as understanding as I can. I'm just so worried of being hurt, I'm scared that I'm doing all the practical and emotional support for him and his five year old son but I'm not getting any myself and he's probably going to end it anyway. Please someone, tell me this is íprobably just because of where he's at right now. If anyone has any tips on ' how not to go insane' it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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    Hi Allsparks = my heart goes out to you this morning. My wife had Bowel C out of the blue two years ago = so I know a bit about the loneliness and problems of being the 'carer' !! I met her 17 years ago after a lifetime of being on my own and I love her very deeply. I remember just crying and crying = I think that this is normal reaction that everyone goes through when Mr. Cancer visits a relationship. 

    The problem for your partner is that he is in the fight for his life and ontop of that = the chemo is very strong. By round six my wifes body was toxic by the chemo and she felt very tired and stressed by the whole business. She felt her body was being harmed. It took alot out of her and she felt very tired.

    She was very snappy to me and both very clingy and quite distant = I think this is a normal reaction to this situation.

    Your feelings also must be very confused = you have given him your love and he is like a rock to you. Now, he is very vulnerable and frightened. He is finding it hard and difficult to control his fears and feelings when he is with you. Equally, you are frightened of being alone and the future looks anything but certain.

    So, its no surprise that you feel under stress. I am sure your patner loves you and deeply needs you = he is coming to terms with the aweful realisation that he has this cancer and it may change things, his body is suffering with the chemo. As you say - you feel you are doing all the giving and caring and giving = This is a time when you are also crying inside. It is a time for sharing and confiding = both with your patner and also your close friends and family. We went on many many walks = Anne and I as we knew that walking clears the mind; we confided to each other our fears and created a fantasy world to live in. I found my own help in self compassion and I placed a self compassion link on the inspiration part of the forum - it teaches how to love your self and keep things in context. But thats me!! Other people dance to music - you need a release.I go jogging.  Cancer is a very heavy number to carry- and exercise is a good help -

    The treatments are good = its just a matter of staying the course for him. There is no blame or reason = things things just happen out of the blue for no reasons. You both can make this awful situation to come closer together = we did! She gave up her QVC - and I gave up my tutoring to be together more and to enjoy TV together. We are closer now and it did have a positive side - which we searched for. This is a new journey for you both.

    The people on the forum here are very kind and caring and they understand all about cancers - so this is a good place to let of steam. Let me surround you with light and surround you with peace and the beauty of a new day. I will place a candle in our window today for you - may it burn strongly and give you hope and peace and love to continue to care for your sick partner and his son - who must also be suffering in his way.

    Write soon

    Steven x

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    Hi Allsparks, welcome to the forum. Sorry to read about your partner's illness. I think Steven has really summed up the emotional aspects of this awful disease, from both sides of the fence. I can appreciate how you must be feeling - you are giving your partner the love and care he needs yet he is pushing you away. It's good that you recognise that you need support yourself and wonder if you know about the services that Macmillan offer to help support families and carers? The hospital where your partner has his chemo will have details of support groups in the area too. You can ring the nurses on this site too as they will have information about getting support as a carer. It's also more difficult for you as you've moved away from your home town, where you probably had a closer network of friends (and possibly family?) to call upon. Are you still in regular contact with the people back home? (Sorry if that sounds an odd question!) I'm sure they'd be more than happy to be called upon right now - not sure how you're fixed for making arrangements for visits or a day out with your friends? Sometimes (as carers and patients) we need a little time out from ' the new normal' that we adjust to. Could you maybe arrange something for your partner to do too? (I know the chemo will be taking its toll so obviously whatever you arrange would have to be do-able!) Does he have mates he can offload to? Once you've had this time, then think about arranging a special treat for you both to do together- as Steven suggested, walks are a great opportunity to talk to each other - and to get to know each other again. It's very tricky to offer virtual advice to others, as we don't have the full picture of the position you're in, so I hope the suggestions I've made don't sound patronising. Take care of yourself and let us know how things are going. Sending you a hug, Jo xx
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    Hi Allsparks,

    Speaking as someone who has had cancer but has also lost several close family members to cancer, I think it is often harder for the family and relatives of the patient, for you are trying so hard to appear positive and putting on a brave face but inwardly you are filled with fear and worry for your loved one. Often men in this situation try to almost push their loved ones away for they think by doing this, they are in some way protecting them. The reality is however, they are just make a bad situation far worse for the people they are trying to protect feel excluded, hurt  and so alone.

    Cancer is almost like two separate things.There are the pysical and medical problems it causes but it also causes emotional problems as well. As Steven has mentioned, the chemo also causes problems and often those suffering become a little muddled in their thinking, because having cancer is a real life changing experiance. I hope you will find posting you thoughts and feelings on hear will help.

    Whe travelling down the road with cancer It can be likened to travelling through a long dark tunnel, But please let me tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel. As Steven has said, allthough it may not seem like it at present, in the long term it may well bring you closer together, just as it has done with me and my family. I am one very luck guy for cancer has changed me in many ways and I can honestly say, I appreciate the simple little things in life more than I ever did before.

    Take care and please try and keep strong, though I know how hard this can be.

    Please keep in contact, as and when you can, Brian

  • Offline in reply to brighteyes
    Morning Stephen, Thank you for your lovely reply. Sometimes it's nice just to hear something positive. People always ask how Dave is feeling and how Dave is coping and they're full of positivity for him, but I have only been asked once how I am feeling and that was by a lovely colorectal nurse called Paula. Mine and Dave's relationship seems to just be on a downward spiral. He says that if we were married or had been together for years then he might feel differently. But it's been short of a year, and he isn't sure if or where I fit into his life whichever way the results of his scan go. We spent most of the morning from the early hours speaking about how the relationship isn't working. He went to a friend's birthday party and didn't come over to my house till 5:30am. He seems unable to give any kind of affection, to the point where I have to ask him to sit on the same sofa as me. But he's happy to let me organise his pills into the right days and doses, and to parent his son when he's not able to. Sometimes I'd do anything for him to hold me and tell me that he loves me, but he can't. He says he sees how much it's hurting me and said he doesn't want to do it anymore. I really am at a loss for what to do. This man is the love of my life and I want to be with him and be there for him, but if he's determined not to be together then what more can I do? I feel completely crushed. I have been everything he could possibly need in the last few months but my best isn't good enough. And I'm angry that all the heartache and the roller-coaster ride that is cancer has been for nothing! It feels like unrequited love and I'm wondering if I should just cut my losses knowing I tried my hardest... Amy x
  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65
    Hi Jo, Thank you for replying. I think days out and meeting friends would be a good idea but time restraints because of my children, me not being able to drive and my studies (I'm doing an access to higher education course so I can hopefully start a degree in nursing this September) makes it more difficult. I chat to friends on the phone sometimes but I'm not close to my family and don't have a brilliant support network, that's what made it so easy to leave my hometown and move here so I could see Dave more often... I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision... Amy xx
  • Offline in reply to woodworm
    Thank you for replying too Brian. As I said to Stephen, it's nice to hear positive things, and I appreciate you empathising. It's also reassuring to hear you're a changed my and for the better. It gives me some comfort to know that Dave might come out of this in a much better place than he is now, even if it isn't with me. Amy x
  • Offline in reply to allsparks

    Dear Amy = Thank you for replying and my heart really goes ot to you all.. When Mr C moves in with you all = things do change. Your relationship is quite fresh and has pressures put onto it. I will think about your predicament today and write later. In the mean times = lets share a hug here to say that we do care and you are worth it. We know that - because as Brian and Jo have said - when Mr C calls = he really rocks the boats!!!!

    The good support of friends is very necessary = you can share it here.

    xx

    Steven 

  • Offline in reply to allsparks

    Hi Amy,

    Thanks for the reply. The problems faced by carers like yourself are often not recognised which is why I have joined a local charity which was set up primarily for family, friends and creres of cancer patients. The man who runs it lost two wives to cancer and had to bring up his two daughters on his own. He tols me there was no help at all for him and is the reason why he has set up the charity.

    I know things are difficult for you at present but I am sure innwardly Dave appreciates your help. I have something to say that may explain his behaiviour. We men like to appear strong and independant but when cancer strickes we have to accept we need help. This for some men is hard to take and sometimes act wrongly towards those we love as a resul, for cancer is robbing us of our independance. It;s juat a thought.

    Sending best wishes and kind thoughts, Brian

     

     

     

  • Offline in reply to allsparks
    Hi Amy, I can understand how days out etc are difficult to arrange with two children to consider too. Make sure you get some 'you' time and treats a few times a week - even a cheeky bar of chocolate with your cuppa! Your reply to Steven really saddened me. It must be so difficult to know the right thing to do. The fact that you're talking things through is good, but obviously the things Dave is saying about your relationship, are not what you want to hear. You're coping with so many things - new(ish) relationship, moving away from your hometown (even though you said it wasn't too much of a wrench to leave) two children (plus Dave's) to take care of and you're studying too! All of these would be enough to deal with on their own, without the added stress of Dave's illness. I'm presuming it will a week to ten days after the scan on Tuesday that Dave gets the results. It may be that once he gets the full picture about his health, he will feel more able to think about your relationship (and depending on the result, he may even think differently to how he feels now.) You are doing a fantastic job in caring for him and supporting him practically and emotionally - I hope you'll keep coming to us to offload so we can try to support you too. Hope tomorrow's final chemo session goes ok. Take care Amy, hugs Jo xx
  • Offline in reply to Meerkat@65
    Thank you Jo. That means a lot. And it's a comfort knowing that there are lovely people like yourself who have such kind words xx

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