Hi Candy,

I have just caught up with your thread and am so sorry for you and your poor Mum.

Although your Mum has misgivings about going into a hospice the care they give is second to none in my experience and her comfort will be their priority.

I can understand that you initially dealt with it and as time has gone on your coping less and less.

We all need hope in life and thats probably what you had enough of a first, but maybe now you don't have that same hope and so feel hopeless.

That is a difficult place to be.

I am sending you my virtual hugs and hope your Mum wherever she is finds a peaceful and painfree state.

Thinking of you

Annabel. xx

Hi Annabel, thank you for taking the time to read and answer my thread!

I think the reason she is wary about the hospice is that she sees it as a place people go to die, perhaps she doesn't see herself as in that position.. I just feel so sorry for her I hate this!! I think your right, I think I always believed the radiotherapy would work or that something would work and cure it, but obviously that is not the case :(. I'm getting to the point where I just wanna stay in bed and hide, can't be bothered with work or anything but I know I need to...

Don't get how after losing someone so close people can just go back to routine like work etc, when the worst happens I can't ever see myself being the same!

Thank you for your advice, sorry I don't have more to say, time to get up for work

xxxx

Hi Candy,

I am very glad that I was able to make it to Dad's 75th although I have a photo of that day that I hate because of the news I had just been told and the fact that he looks so thin and weak.  If you go to my profile you will see a picture of him and I taken just before he was diagnosed.  I love that picture and yes he truly was a great man.

I understand that your Mum thinks of a hospice as somewhere to go to die and it would be very difficult to persuade her otherwise.  My Dad thought the same but after he had been there for a little while, he was so much more comfortable and he loved the people who cared for him, often singing their praises. Obviously Anabell thinks the same!

You are right that it is entirely unfair that good people have to cope with what cancer does to them and the people they love and it is extremely difficult to deal with.  I can only tell you that I dealt with it in part by finding support here but also by allowing my emotions to come out when they needed to after he was gone.  You have to grieve otherwise you will not heal.  As for never being normal again I'm afraid that this will change you but it doesn't have to be a change for the worst.  Time as they say is a great healer and I have to say that despite how much I love and miss my Dad I had been coping pretty well.  Unfortunately events conspired to change me again but I won't go into that right now.

I have to go now but take care and let me know how you are doing and if you have any more questions I will do my best to answer.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf. Yes I understand how you could associate that picture with the sad news you were told, I do the same with a picture I have which was taken just before we were told about the cancer spreading to the brain. I had already had a look at your profile a few days ago and saw the picture you mean, he looks like a very sweet man! I also saw the drawing, was it yourself who did that? It's amazing :)!!

Yeah the more I think about it and talk to people about it they convince me the best thing would be the hospice now. And if it will mean more one on one care and more sort of friendlier care then I guess it's best. Our local one also does pampering days as well where they can get there hair and nails done etc which I'm sure my mum would enjoy also!! I guess we will just have to wait and see what gets said in the next few days...

Was your dad in the hospice long do you mind me asking? Or did he go there towards the end?

Oh dear I'm sorry to hear you have experienced something else upsetting. I hope you are ok!

Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, it's greatly appreciated

xxx

Hi Candy

Sorry to intrude on your post to Garf who is a lovely person whom I have had the chance to talk to several times on this forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and this monster of a disease.  I hope and pray that you get the strength to cope with whatever lies ahead of you.

I see you are only in your 20s and you care deeply for your mum and hate to see her like this but remember it is this awful disease that has taken over her.

The same happened to my father-in-law.  He had bowel cancer which spread to both his lungs and stomach and developed a bad chest infection and died in hospital very unexpectedly.

I am sorry I can't give you any advice about the hospice but hopefully Garf and maybe a few others on this forum will be able to give you the information you need.

Take care Candy and hugs to you.  I am always here if you want to have a chat or even a rant.

Mickied

Hi Mickied. Don't be silly you are not intruding, thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my post :)! Yes Garf does seem like a lovely person!

Yes your right I am only 20, feel I am too young to be losing my mum but then I guess there is no age that this would feel normal at. I hope I can somehow learn to cope with what is going to come, it's pretty scary and finding it particularly tough this week, having a few off days lately!

Oh dear I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law, I've learned that infections like chest and pnemoinia are pretty dangerous to people in these positions, my mum has been in and out of hosp a few times with them and has always bounced back so I guess I excepted the same this time, maybe this is why I'm getting more upset now having being told it may be time for a hospice.

That's okay you don't have any advice about the hospice, sometimes it's good to just chat in general about it all. Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, I hope to keep it up. Take care xxx

Hi Candy,

I am so glad you have also received a reply from Mickied who has been one of the people to give me much valued support since finding this site.

The drawing you saw was something I did for a young cancer sufferer who used to use this site a lot called Sofia.  She is the one who started the "AMAZING QUOTES" thread that is still going strong.  She was going through a very difficult and emotional time after her cancer returned and she started to look on life as a lady with two halves and thought the way life treated you depended on what mood she was in.  I came up with an idea for a drawing and I sent her the one you saw which is now part of a website she set up in her native Portugal.  I believe she is doing o.k. now but she hasn't been back to this site for quite some time.

I see you are being convinced by people that a hospice would be a good place for your Mum but I know it will be difficult to convince her of that.  The idea of your local hospice doing pamper days sounds like a great idea and I have to admit I don't know if the one my Dad was in did anything like that.  I don't mind you asking at all and so I will tell yoy that Dad wasn't actually in the hospice for that long.  He went in initially for a week to be monitored and to adjust his medication so that he could still stay at home but while he was there he suddenly took a turn for the worst and so was only there for a couple of weeks before he died.  The last time I spoke to him was the day after he had gone through a particularly bad night that meant he had to be sedated.  The strange thing is that his accent had changed and he had suddenly got a real Manchester twang which I suppose isn't that strange since that is where he was from but he hadn't had an accent like that at any point during my lifetime. That was the last time I spoke to him on a Tuesday evening and he died two days later.

You said to Mickied that you hope you can learn to cope with what is to come and I have to say that I believe you will.  We very often we surprise ourselves by finding strength we didn't know we had but unfortunately it usually takes something painful like this to realize it.  Whenever you need a little extra strength I or Mickied or someone here will be only to pleased to try and help.

Signing off now but I will do the same again and check here tomorrow if I can't later.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf how are you today?

Yes I'm glad too, I'm always surprised when people actually take their time to reply to me, I don't know why!

Oh wow that's an amazing story, what a good background story that picture has! I really hope she is doing well now, I will have a look for that thread a little later on! Your a very talented drawer it's a great picture!

I know I am scared of what her reaction will be to them suggesting that this would be best for her. As I have said before on here my mum was always a very independent woman and never asked for help, I think this is maybe why I am struggling with this so much, seeing her go from that to how she is now, it's very difficult and I know she will be feeling the same and probably embarrassed by how weak she is, it breaks my heart! Yeah they do pampering days and massages to help ease people's pain. So in some ways I guess it's good but I just can't help but wish this wasn't happening!!

I'm sorry to hear that about your dad. And yes that's very strange about the accent!

Your right that it is something bad that usually makes us realise how strong we can be and how we can cope with terrible things. I wish I didn't need to find out! I feel sad for myself and my dad but can't help but thinking about my mum too, imagining what it must feel like knowing your dying and leaving everyone behind must be so difficult to know that... I hope they find a cure for this awful disease soon so no one else has to deal with this. I recently fundraised for cancer research and raised over £1,000 so here's hoping that can go into helping!

Signing off now to go visit mum will let you all know how she is. Thank you it's nice to know I can chat and let it out all! Enjoy your evening xx

Hi Candy,

Hope you don't mind me replying to you. I lost my mother to breast cancer eight years ago today, and am still feeling her loss even now.

I think there is a public misconception about hospice's in that like your mother, a lot of people think its a place where people spend their final days. But my mother spent a week in there as the hospital couldn't sort out medication to ease my mothers pain. They were absolutely brilliant and had sorted it out in a matter of a few days and she was able to go home again. They often have far more expertise in this area. She also used to go there one day per week for several months. The care she received there was first rate and I would say far better and the nurses more helpful and friendly than the hospital.

We all try hard to show a brave face for the sake of our loved ones while falling apart inside. I am please that Garf, Annabel and Mikied have all made contact with you, They are very caring people who have often offered support to me.

There was an advertising campaign a few years ago which stated "Its good to talk" and it is so true for it is often far easier to talk to people on here than it is to family or friends.

Take care Candy, sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian.