Hi again everyone. Another update for anyone who's interested. Mum is still in hospital, very sore and very out of breath. The doctors did a scan the other day as they thought there was fluid on the lung which they were hoping to drain which would ease her breathlessness but after doing the scan they found there was no fluid, it appears it's all down to the tumour on the lung, so doesn't look like much can be done to help with her breathing...

Feeling rather upset today and annoyed. Wish more could be done and hate leaving her in the hospital. Also hate the thought of them examining her and proding at her as I know she will find it all very embarrasing. She has a lot of memory loss due to the tumours which spread to her brain yet they constantly ask her questions she can't remember the answers too!!!!! She is allergic to certain medications yet they sit seem to make note of it just rely on asking her even though she doesn't know, so she ends up ill cause they give her it anyway.

They are saying it might be best for her to go to a hospice now and aren't sure she will fight off the infection this time:(

Sorry for the rant I am just getting annoyed and upset now!

Hi again Candy,

I hope you have been able to get some answers from the nurses with the number Jane left you.

I understand that you are angry right now and also hate having to leave your Mum to be poked and prodded by doctors who may seem like they don't really care however in this situation it may seem difficult to distinguish between them not caring and simply the detachment that most doctors and nurses have from their patients.  I will also repeat that it does seem, based on what you have written that your Mum would be more comfortable in a hospice as they are specifically set up to care for people who are ill like your Mum is and my Dad was rather than her staying in a busy hospital.

This may seem like a crazy statement to make but I actually envy you being able to see your Mum as often as you do even though she is very sick.  My Dad lived in North Wales and I live on the South Coast so I would make the trip once or twice a month, each time during his last months seeing a marked decrease in his health with each visit.  I have said this to many people here in the past and I will no doubt say it again but when you are with your Mum try and make her smile whenever you can as in that brief instant there is no pain.  Also imprint those moments in your memory as they will help you a little in the future. As for feeling angry that is perfectly natural but it also drains your strength so if you can find a way to calm your mind and diffuse the anger a little that will also help.

Take care Candy and the very best wishes to you and your Mum.

Garf.     

Hi Garf

I am not able to phone them as I am in work all night so I have left them a message on here and hope to hear from them when they are not too busy.

I understand she may be better in a hospice and that is her decision I will agree with whatever she thinks. But I have heard her say on a few occasions she feels that is where people go when they are extremely ill and very close to death.. Maybe she doesn't realise just how ill and weak she is.

I know what you are saying about the doctors and nurses but just feels sometimes that it is hard to get a hold of someone and find out what is really going on. We still don't really understand why she is in this time and what should happen now...

Did your dad have lung cancer as well? Sorry I can't remember what you had told me about his illness

Yes I know what you mean about  being able to see her loads, I am only in my 20 so I still live at home so I am able to see her everyday luckily.

I am trying to let go of the anger but just wish people didn't need to deal with this!

xxx

Hi again,

Yes Dad did have lung cancer.  He kept going to see his doctor about a cough that wouldn't go away and his doctor kept prescribing antibiotics.  When Dad went back and ended up seeing a lokum he was sent for an x-ray immediately which showed a shadow on his lung.  I have tried VERY hard not to be angry with Dad's doctor as there is nothing to say an earlier x-ray would have made any difference to the outcome.  The lung was removed within two months in Liverpool but it seems the surgeon may have contaminated other areas while performing the procedure although I got that information third hand so I don't know for sure.  Anyway just like your Mum the chemo that followed was in-effective and so it just became a matter of when the end would come.  I travelled to North Wales for his 75th birthday party and that was the day I was told by my Aunty that according to the doctors he was expected to have already been gone a month or so earlier.  He lived for almost a full year after that but died in May 2012.

Candy I can only empathize with what you are going through right now and tell you to simply take each day as it comes.  It is so hard to find yourself grieving for a loved one who is actually still with us but stay strong and let the people here help if we can.

I will check here again tomorrow.

Garf. x

Hi Garf, how are you today?

Thanks for filling me in about your dad. It's great that you made it to his 75th party and amazing he managed to keep fighting on for another year, I'm sure he was a great man! My mum was the same, she had a bad cough and also a very sore back. I understand when you say you find it hard not to be angry with them not taking it seriously at first as my mums situation was much the same, and that is shocking about the possibility of contamination! Due to location my mums wasn't able to be removed as it was too risky as it was near the heart.

Visited mum tonight she is looking very pale and thin. Finding it hard to breathe, a lot of small shot breaths. Been informed by the nurse that this doesn't look like a chest infection after all and perhaps just the cancer and this is her deteriorating :((. Doesn't look like she will be coming home this time and they are going to look into a place at the hospice. This just feels so unfair no one deserves this and finding it very hard to watch this happen to my mum. It's strange that when I first found about this all I took it in and kind of dealt with it but as time has went on I feel myself coping less and less...

How do you deal with it? I can see no way I ever being normal again after I lose her :((......

Hi Candy,

I have just caught up with your thread and am so sorry for you and your poor Mum.

Although your Mum has misgivings about going into a hospice the care they give is second to none in my experience and her comfort will be their priority.

I can understand that you initially dealt with it and as time has gone on your coping less and less.

We all need hope in life and thats probably what you had enough of a first, but maybe now you don't have that same hope and so feel hopeless.

That is a difficult place to be.

I am sending you my virtual hugs and hope your Mum wherever she is finds a peaceful and painfree state.

Thinking of you

Annabel. xx

Hi Annabel, thank you for taking the time to read and answer my thread!

I think the reason she is wary about the hospice is that she sees it as a place people go to die, perhaps she doesn't see herself as in that position.. I just feel so sorry for her I hate this!! I think your right, I think I always believed the radiotherapy would work or that something would work and cure it, but obviously that is not the case :(. I'm getting to the point where I just wanna stay in bed and hide, can't be bothered with work or anything but I know I need to...

Don't get how after losing someone so close people can just go back to routine like work etc, when the worst happens I can't ever see myself being the same!

Thank you for your advice, sorry I don't have more to say, time to get up for work

xxxx

Hi Candy,

I am very glad that I was able to make it to Dad's 75th although I have a photo of that day that I hate because of the news I had just been told and the fact that he looks so thin and weak.  If you go to my profile you will see a picture of him and I taken just before he was diagnosed.  I love that picture and yes he truly was a great man.

I understand that your Mum thinks of a hospice as somewhere to go to die and it would be very difficult to persuade her otherwise.  My Dad thought the same but after he had been there for a little while, he was so much more comfortable and he loved the people who cared for him, often singing their praises. Obviously Anabell thinks the same!

You are right that it is entirely unfair that good people have to cope with what cancer does to them and the people they love and it is extremely difficult to deal with.  I can only tell you that I dealt with it in part by finding support here but also by allowing my emotions to come out when they needed to after he was gone.  You have to grieve otherwise you will not heal.  As for never being normal again I'm afraid that this will change you but it doesn't have to be a change for the worst.  Time as they say is a great healer and I have to say that despite how much I love and miss my Dad I had been coping pretty well.  Unfortunately events conspired to change me again but I won't go into that right now.

I have to go now but take care and let me know how you are doing and if you have any more questions I will do my best to answer.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf. Yes I understand how you could associate that picture with the sad news you were told, I do the same with a picture I have which was taken just before we were told about the cancer spreading to the brain. I had already had a look at your profile a few days ago and saw the picture you mean, he looks like a very sweet man! I also saw the drawing, was it yourself who did that? It's amazing :)!!

Yeah the more I think about it and talk to people about it they convince me the best thing would be the hospice now. And if it will mean more one on one care and more sort of friendlier care then I guess it's best. Our local one also does pampering days as well where they can get there hair and nails done etc which I'm sure my mum would enjoy also!! I guess we will just have to wait and see what gets said in the next few days...

Was your dad in the hospice long do you mind me asking? Or did he go there towards the end?

Oh dear I'm sorry to hear you have experienced something else upsetting. I hope you are ok!

Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, it's greatly appreciated

xxx

Hi Candy

Sorry to intrude on your post to Garf who is a lovely person whom I have had the chance to talk to several times on this forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and this monster of a disease.  I hope and pray that you get the strength to cope with whatever lies ahead of you.

I see you are only in your 20s and you care deeply for your mum and hate to see her like this but remember it is this awful disease that has taken over her.

The same happened to my father-in-law.  He had bowel cancer which spread to both his lungs and stomach and developed a bad chest infection and died in hospital very unexpectedly.

I am sorry I can't give you any advice about the hospice but hopefully Garf and maybe a few others on this forum will be able to give you the information you need.

Take care Candy and hugs to you.  I am always here if you want to have a chat or even a rant.

Mickied

Hi Mickied. Don't be silly you are not intruding, thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my post :)! Yes Garf does seem like a lovely person!

Yes your right I am only 20, feel I am too young to be losing my mum but then I guess there is no age that this would feel normal at. I hope I can somehow learn to cope with what is going to come, it's pretty scary and finding it particularly tough this week, having a few off days lately!

Oh dear I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law, I've learned that infections like chest and pnemoinia are pretty dangerous to people in these positions, my mum has been in and out of hosp a few times with them and has always bounced back so I guess I excepted the same this time, maybe this is why I'm getting more upset now having being told it may be time for a hospice.

That's okay you don't have any advice about the hospice, sometimes it's good to just chat in general about it all. Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, I hope to keep it up. Take care xxx

Hi Candy,

I am so glad you have also received a reply from Mickied who has been one of the people to give me much valued support since finding this site.

The drawing you saw was something I did for a young cancer sufferer who used to use this site a lot called Sofia.  She is the one who started the "AMAZING QUOTES" thread that is still going strong.  She was going through a very difficult and emotional time after her cancer returned and she started to look on life as a lady with two halves and thought the way life treated you depended on what mood she was in.  I came up with an idea for a drawing and I sent her the one you saw which is now part of a website she set up in her native Portugal.  I believe she is doing o.k. now but she hasn't been back to this site for quite some time.

I see you are being convinced by people that a hospice would be a good place for your Mum but I know it will be difficult to convince her of that.  The idea of your local hospice doing pamper days sounds like a great idea and I have to admit I don't know if the one my Dad was in did anything like that.  I don't mind you asking at all and so I will tell yoy that Dad wasn't actually in the hospice for that long.  He went in initially for a week to be monitored and to adjust his medication so that he could still stay at home but while he was there he suddenly took a turn for the worst and so was only there for a couple of weeks before he died.  The last time I spoke to him was the day after he had gone through a particularly bad night that meant he had to be sedated.  The strange thing is that his accent had changed and he had suddenly got a real Manchester twang which I suppose isn't that strange since that is where he was from but he hadn't had an accent like that at any point during my lifetime. That was the last time I spoke to him on a Tuesday evening and he died two days later.

You said to Mickied that you hope you can learn to cope with what is to come and I have to say that I believe you will.  We very often we surprise ourselves by finding strength we didn't know we had but unfortunately it usually takes something painful like this to realize it.  Whenever you need a little extra strength I or Mickied or someone here will be only to pleased to try and help.

Signing off now but I will do the same again and check here tomorrow if I can't later.

Garf. x

Hi Candy,

I am so glad you have also received a reply from Mickied who has been one of the people to give me much valued support since finding this site.

The drawing you saw was something I did for a young cancer sufferer who used to use this site a lot called Sofia.  She is the one who started the "AMAZING QUOTES" thread that is still going strong.  She was going through a very difficult and emotional time after her cancer returned and she started to look on life as a lady with two halves and thought the way life treated you depended on what mood she was in.  I came up with an idea for a drawing and I sent her the one you saw which is now part of a website she set up in her native Portugal.  I believe she is doing o.k. now but she hasn't been back to this site for quite some time.

I see you are being convinced by people that a hospice would be a good place for your Mum but I know it will be difficult to convince her of that.  The idea of your local hospice doing pamper days sounds like a great idea and I have to admit I don't know if the one my Dad was in did anything like that.  I don't mind you asking at all and so I will tell yoy that Dad wasn't actually in the hospice for that long.  He went in initially for a week to be monitored and to adjust his medication so that he could still stay at home but while he was there he suddenly took a turn for the worst and so was only there for a couple of weeks before he died.  The last time I spoke to him was the day after he had gone through a particularly bad night that meant he had to be sedated.  The strange thing is that his accent had changed and he had suddenly got a real Manchester twang which I suppose isn't that strange since that is where he was from but he hadn't had an accent like that at any point during my lifetime. That was the last time I spoke to him on a Tuesday evening and he died two days later.

You said to Mickied that you hope you can learn to cope with what is to come and I have to say that I believe you will.  We very often we surprise ourselves by finding strength we didn't know we had but unfortunately it usually takes something painful like this to realize it.  Whenever you need a little extra strength I or Mickied or someone here will be only to pleased to try and help.

Signing off now but I will do the same again and check here tomorrow if I can't later.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf how are you today?

Yes I'm glad too, I'm always surprised when people actually take their time to reply to me, I don't know why!

Oh wow that's an amazing story, what a good background story that picture has! I really hope she is doing well now, I will have a look for that thread a little later on! Your a very talented drawer it's a great picture!

I know I am scared of what her reaction will be to them suggesting that this would be best for her. As I have said before on here my mum was always a very independent woman and never asked for help, I think this is maybe why I am struggling with this so much, seeing her go from that to how she is now, it's very difficult and I know she will be feeling the same and probably embarrassed by how weak she is, it breaks my heart! Yeah they do pampering days and massages to help ease people's pain. So in some ways I guess it's good but I just can't help but wish this wasn't happening!!

I'm sorry to hear that about your dad. And yes that's very strange about the accent!

Your right that it is something bad that usually makes us realise how strong we can be and how we can cope with terrible things. I wish I didn't need to find out! I feel sad for myself and my dad but can't help but thinking about my mum too, imagining what it must feel like knowing your dying and leaving everyone behind must be so difficult to know that... I hope they find a cure for this awful disease soon so no one else has to deal with this. I recently fundraised for cancer research and raised over £1,000 so here's hoping that can go into helping!

Signing off now to go visit mum will let you all know how she is. Thank you it's nice to know I can chat and let it out all! Enjoy your evening xx

By the time you read this I am guessing you will have already visited your Mum again and I hope you have been able to get more answers than you have been able to up to now.  If not then I just hope she reacts well to suggesting the hospice if you have brought it up with her yet.  It is natural that she may feel embarrassed about having to be cared for when she has spent her life being independant and Dad was the same.  I'm sure the ebarrassment is made worse by being continually poked and prodded by doctors and nurses but I truly believe that embarrassment will subside at least a little when she is in better care. Also sorry to hear they have put a drain in her lung when you thought it wasn't going to be done but they obviously felt it was neccessary.

On the plus side I am glad "woodworm" has got in touch with you.  He is a real pillar of strength in this community and was the very first person to reply to me when I first found this site after losing Dad. As a person who has lost loved ones to cancer and having been a cancer sufferer himself he is able to offer different people help and advice from experience rather than opinion and I speak for many here when I say he is a special person and much loved on this site.  He will be a little embarrassed himself at being complimented like this but it is true never-the-less.  (Sorry Brian! Just eat a nut while you wait for your now red cheeks to go back to normal)

It is difficult I know but try not to think about what your Mum is thinking in regards to leaving people behind, just concentrate on your own feelings and worries and share them with us.  It is amazing that you have managed to raise money for cancer research while coping with this and I have no doubt it will make a difference somewhere.  I couldn't consider doing something like that while Dad was ill but last year I organized a challenge that work colleagues helped me with that raised just over £2000 and I want to try and do something similar later this year.  I also started giving blood as until I saw the regular transfusions Dad received I thought blood was only needed for people in car accidents na dnot patients who are simply very ill.

Let us know how your visit went and take care.

Garf. x 

Hi Garf, sorry i have only just noticed your reply, must've missed it!

Still not had much answers really. Shes very out of it and can't seem to make much sense when talking... I thought maybe this was reaction to pain killers they had her on from the drain in her lung but im being told it may just be the natural progression of the cancer in her brain... So i think if we bring up the hospice she wont be able to really answer about it so im not sure what will happen now. She just slept most of the time over the weekend so can't really ask how shes feeling etc

Yes im grateful for him getting in touch, im grateful for you all getting in touch.. Had a fear i would write on here and get no replies lol!! Yeah he has filled me in on his story !

I know im trying to stop myself thinking about the negatives but its just very hard, getting harder now because of the way she is just now finding it very difficult seeing her like this. Oh wow thats amazing you raised so much, well done! Yeah doing it once spurs you on and makes you wanna keep on helping! I ran the race for life last year and will be doing it again this year too!

xxx

Hi Candy,

Just read your update to Garf. My mothers breast cancer spread to her brain and this coupled with the strong painkillers towards the end, it was at times not clear if she knew I was there. But every now and then she would squeeze my hand so I feel sure she knew I was there and as she couldn't talk it was her only way to communicate. I know exactly what you mean when you say it's so hard seeing them in this state. But I feel sure your mother is so very proud of the loving and caring person you obviously are.

Take care, sending best wishes to you both, Brian.