Hi again everyone. Another update for anyone who's interested. Mum is still in hospital, very sore and very out of breath. The doctors did a scan the other day as they thought there was fluid on the lung which they were hoping to drain which would ease her breathlessness but after doing the scan they found there was no fluid, it appears it's all down to the tumour on the lung, so doesn't look like much can be done to help with her breathing...

Feeling rather upset today and annoyed. Wish more could be done and hate leaving her in the hospital. Also hate the thought of them examining her and proding at her as I know she will find it all very embarrasing. She has a lot of memory loss due to the tumours which spread to her brain yet they constantly ask her questions she can't remember the answers too!!!!! She is allergic to certain medications yet they sit seem to make note of it just rely on asking her even though she doesn't know, so she ends up ill cause they give her it anyway.

They are saying it might be best for her to go to a hospice now and aren't sure she will fight off the infection this time:(

Sorry for the rant I am just getting annoyed and upset now!

Hi again Candy,

I hope you have been able to get some answers from the nurses with the number Jane left you.

I understand that you are angry right now and also hate having to leave your Mum to be poked and prodded by doctors who may seem like they don't really care however in this situation it may seem difficult to distinguish between them not caring and simply the detachment that most doctors and nurses have from their patients.  I will also repeat that it does seem, based on what you have written that your Mum would be more comfortable in a hospice as they are specifically set up to care for people who are ill like your Mum is and my Dad was rather than her staying in a busy hospital.

This may seem like a crazy statement to make but I actually envy you being able to see your Mum as often as you do even though she is very sick.  My Dad lived in North Wales and I live on the South Coast so I would make the trip once or twice a month, each time during his last months seeing a marked decrease in his health with each visit.  I have said this to many people here in the past and I will no doubt say it again but when you are with your Mum try and make her smile whenever you can as in that brief instant there is no pain.  Also imprint those moments in your memory as they will help you a little in the future. As for feeling angry that is perfectly natural but it also drains your strength so if you can find a way to calm your mind and diffuse the anger a little that will also help.

Take care Candy and the very best wishes to you and your Mum.

Garf.     

Hi Garf, how are you today?

Thanks for filling me in about your dad. It's great that you made it to his 75th party and amazing he managed to keep fighting on for another year, I'm sure he was a great man! My mum was the same, she had a bad cough and also a very sore back. I understand when you say you find it hard not to be angry with them not taking it seriously at first as my mums situation was much the same, and that is shocking about the possibility of contamination! Due to location my mums wasn't able to be removed as it was too risky as it was near the heart.

Visited mum tonight she is looking very pale and thin. Finding it hard to breathe, a lot of small shot breaths. Been informed by the nurse that this doesn't look like a chest infection after all and perhaps just the cancer and this is her deteriorating :((. Doesn't look like she will be coming home this time and they are going to look into a place at the hospice. This just feels so unfair no one deserves this and finding it very hard to watch this happen to my mum. It's strange that when I first found about this all I took it in and kind of dealt with it but as time has went on I feel myself coping less and less...

How do you deal with it? I can see no way I ever being normal again after I lose her :((......

Hi Candy,

I have just caught up with your thread and am so sorry for you and your poor Mum.

Although your Mum has misgivings about going into a hospice the care they give is second to none in my experience and her comfort will be their priority.

I can understand that you initially dealt with it and as time has gone on your coping less and less.

We all need hope in life and thats probably what you had enough of a first, but maybe now you don't have that same hope and so feel hopeless.

That is a difficult place to be.

I am sending you my virtual hugs and hope your Mum wherever she is finds a peaceful and painfree state.

Thinking of you

Annabel. xx

Hi Annabel, thank you for taking the time to read and answer my thread!

I think the reason she is wary about the hospice is that she sees it as a place people go to die, perhaps she doesn't see herself as in that position.. I just feel so sorry for her I hate this!! I think your right, I think I always believed the radiotherapy would work or that something would work and cure it, but obviously that is not the case :(. I'm getting to the point where I just wanna stay in bed and hide, can't be bothered with work or anything but I know I need to...

Don't get how after losing someone so close people can just go back to routine like work etc, when the worst happens I can't ever see myself being the same!

Thank you for your advice, sorry I don't have more to say, time to get up for work

xxxx

Hi Candy,

I am very glad that I was able to make it to Dad's 75th although I have a photo of that day that I hate because of the news I had just been told and the fact that he looks so thin and weak.  If you go to my profile you will see a picture of him and I taken just before he was diagnosed.  I love that picture and yes he truly was a great man.

I understand that your Mum thinks of a hospice as somewhere to go to die and it would be very difficult to persuade her otherwise.  My Dad thought the same but after he had been there for a little while, he was so much more comfortable and he loved the people who cared for him, often singing their praises. Obviously Anabell thinks the same!

You are right that it is entirely unfair that good people have to cope with what cancer does to them and the people they love and it is extremely difficult to deal with.  I can only tell you that I dealt with it in part by finding support here but also by allowing my emotions to come out when they needed to after he was gone.  You have to grieve otherwise you will not heal.  As for never being normal again I'm afraid that this will change you but it doesn't have to be a change for the worst.  Time as they say is a great healer and I have to say that despite how much I love and miss my Dad I had been coping pretty well.  Unfortunately events conspired to change me again but I won't go into that right now.

I have to go now but take care and let me know how you are doing and if you have any more questions I will do my best to answer.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf. Yes I understand how you could associate that picture with the sad news you were told, I do the same with a picture I have which was taken just before we were told about the cancer spreading to the brain. I had already had a look at your profile a few days ago and saw the picture you mean, he looks like a very sweet man! I also saw the drawing, was it yourself who did that? It's amazing :)!!

Yeah the more I think about it and talk to people about it they convince me the best thing would be the hospice now. And if it will mean more one on one care and more sort of friendlier care then I guess it's best. Our local one also does pampering days as well where they can get there hair and nails done etc which I'm sure my mum would enjoy also!! I guess we will just have to wait and see what gets said in the next few days...

Was your dad in the hospice long do you mind me asking? Or did he go there towards the end?

Oh dear I'm sorry to hear you have experienced something else upsetting. I hope you are ok!

Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, it's greatly appreciated

xxx

Hi Candy

Sorry to intrude on your post to Garf who is a lovely person whom I have had the chance to talk to several times on this forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and this monster of a disease.  I hope and pray that you get the strength to cope with whatever lies ahead of you.

I see you are only in your 20s and you care deeply for your mum and hate to see her like this but remember it is this awful disease that has taken over her.

The same happened to my father-in-law.  He had bowel cancer which spread to both his lungs and stomach and developed a bad chest infection and died in hospital very unexpectedly.

I am sorry I can't give you any advice about the hospice but hopefully Garf and maybe a few others on this forum will be able to give you the information you need.

Take care Candy and hugs to you.  I am always here if you want to have a chat or even a rant.

Mickied

Hi Mickied. Don't be silly you are not intruding, thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my post :)! Yes Garf does seem like a lovely person!

Yes your right I am only 20, feel I am too young to be losing my mum but then I guess there is no age that this would feel normal at. I hope I can somehow learn to cope with what is going to come, it's pretty scary and finding it particularly tough this week, having a few off days lately!

Oh dear I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law, I've learned that infections like chest and pnemoinia are pretty dangerous to people in these positions, my mum has been in and out of hosp a few times with them and has always bounced back so I guess I excepted the same this time, maybe this is why I'm getting more upset now having being told it may be time for a hospice.

That's okay you don't have any advice about the hospice, sometimes it's good to just chat in general about it all. Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, I hope to keep it up. Take care xxx

Hi Candy,

I am so glad you have also received a reply from Mickied who has been one of the people to give me much valued support since finding this site.

The drawing you saw was something I did for a young cancer sufferer who used to use this site a lot called Sofia.  She is the one who started the "AMAZING QUOTES" thread that is still going strong.  She was going through a very difficult and emotional time after her cancer returned and she started to look on life as a lady with two halves and thought the way life treated you depended on what mood she was in.  I came up with an idea for a drawing and I sent her the one you saw which is now part of a website she set up in her native Portugal.  I believe she is doing o.k. now but she hasn't been back to this site for quite some time.

I see you are being convinced by people that a hospice would be a good place for your Mum but I know it will be difficult to convince her of that.  The idea of your local hospice doing pamper days sounds like a great idea and I have to admit I don't know if the one my Dad was in did anything like that.  I don't mind you asking at all and so I will tell yoy that Dad wasn't actually in the hospice for that long.  He went in initially for a week to be monitored and to adjust his medication so that he could still stay at home but while he was there he suddenly took a turn for the worst and so was only there for a couple of weeks before he died.  The last time I spoke to him was the day after he had gone through a particularly bad night that meant he had to be sedated.  The strange thing is that his accent had changed and he had suddenly got a real Manchester twang which I suppose isn't that strange since that is where he was from but he hadn't had an accent like that at any point during my lifetime. That was the last time I spoke to him on a Tuesday evening and he died two days later.

You said to Mickied that you hope you can learn to cope with what is to come and I have to say that I believe you will.  We very often we surprise ourselves by finding strength we didn't know we had but unfortunately it usually takes something painful like this to realize it.  Whenever you need a little extra strength I or Mickied or someone here will be only to pleased to try and help.

Signing off now but I will do the same again and check here tomorrow if I can't later.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf how are you today?

Yes I'm glad too, I'm always surprised when people actually take their time to reply to me, I don't know why!

Oh wow that's an amazing story, what a good background story that picture has! I really hope she is doing well now, I will have a look for that thread a little later on! Your a very talented drawer it's a great picture!

I know I am scared of what her reaction will be to them suggesting that this would be best for her. As I have said before on here my mum was always a very independent woman and never asked for help, I think this is maybe why I am struggling with this so much, seeing her go from that to how she is now, it's very difficult and I know she will be feeling the same and probably embarrassed by how weak she is, it breaks my heart! Yeah they do pampering days and massages to help ease people's pain. So in some ways I guess it's good but I just can't help but wish this wasn't happening!!

I'm sorry to hear that about your dad. And yes that's very strange about the accent!

Your right that it is something bad that usually makes us realise how strong we can be and how we can cope with terrible things. I wish I didn't need to find out! I feel sad for myself and my dad but can't help but thinking about my mum too, imagining what it must feel like knowing your dying and leaving everyone behind must be so difficult to know that... I hope they find a cure for this awful disease soon so no one else has to deal with this. I recently fundraised for cancer research and raised over £1,000 so here's hoping that can go into helping!

Signing off now to go visit mum will let you all know how she is. Thank you it's nice to know I can chat and let it out all! Enjoy your evening xx

Hi Candy,

Hope you don't mind me replying to you. I lost my mother to breast cancer eight years ago today, and am still feeling her loss even now.

I think there is a public misconception about hospice's in that like your mother, a lot of people think its a place where people spend their final days. But my mother spent a week in there as the hospital couldn't sort out medication to ease my mothers pain. They were absolutely brilliant and had sorted it out in a matter of a few days and she was able to go home again. They often have far more expertise in this area. She also used to go there one day per week for several months. The care she received there was first rate and I would say far better and the nurses more helpful and friendly than the hospital.

We all try hard to show a brave face for the sake of our loved ones while falling apart inside. I am please that Garf, Annabel and Mikied have all made contact with you, They are very caring people who have often offered support to me.

There was an advertising campaign a few years ago which stated "Its good to talk" and it is so true for it is often far easier to talk to people on here than it is to family or friends.

Take care Candy, sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian.

Hi Candy,

Hope you don't mind me replying to you. I lost my mother to breast cancer eight years ago today, and am still feeling her loss even now.

I think there is a public misconception about hospice's in that like your mother, a lot of people think its a place where people spend their final days. But my mother spent a week in there as the hospital couldn't sort out medication to ease my mothers pain. They were absolutely brilliant and had sorted it out in a matter of a few days and she was able to go home again. They often have far more expertise in this area. She also used to go there one day per week for several months. The care she received there was first rate and I would say far better and the nurses more helpful and friendly than the hospital.

We all try hard to show a brave face for the sake of our loved ones while falling apart inside. I am please that Garf, Annabel and Mikied have all made contact with you, They are very caring people who have often offered support to me.

There was an advertising campaign a few years ago which stated "Its good to talk" and it is so true for it is often far easier to talk to people on here than it is to family or friends.

Take care Candy, sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian.

Hi Woodworm No of course not, the more replies the better! I'm sorry to hear about you losing your mother!

Yes i must admit i was also one who thought of hospices in this way, but people on here are making me think otherwise. Its quite difficult to get hold of a nurse or doctor at night time visting at the hospital to actually get more information on what is happening, its all a bit confusing at the moment. She also now has a drain in her lung even though they said they werent going to do this, again couldnt get a hold of anyone to ask them about it....

Yes i am trying to put on a brave face but its always a shock walking in to her room everynight, maybe its my imagination but she looks sicker each time. WIsh i could make her better

Its true it is good to talk! Hope to speak to you again, take care xx

Hi Candy,

You have highlighted the same problem I had in that when I visited my mother in the evening, there was never any one there to talk to about about her condition. I also saw her go from being a fit, active and healthy person to someone who at the end had trouble feeding herself. I know it sounds terribly selfish. 

Hope you are soon able to get the information from one of the doctors. I have to admit to almost dreading seeing my mother towards the end as it was so hard seeing her going down hill like she was and not being able to do anything about it..

Do take for of yourself, sending best wishes, Brian

Hello Woodworm, or should i say Brian! Sorry i never even realised that this was your real name lol!

Yes im finding this alot. I always feel like the staff forget there is a family at home worrying and often forget we need to know the facts too. My mum has a lot of memory loss and forgets things so she doesnt always remember what shes been told, so we can't rely on that, we need information too. I know how you feel i am starting to feel the same, my heart breaks each time i walk into the room and i start to dread what she will look like... Its hard to keep a brave face on!

Finishing up in the shop now, home to get ready and up to the hospital. Will let you know how she is

xxx

Hi Candy,

No need to apologise Candy, I get called lots of different names on here, Profesor Nutty being the latest  Cancer is a complex disease and it affects us both physically and emotionally. It also affect close family members and friends as well. I think that the emotional side is often harder to deal with, especially for the relatives. I know from my own experience, I tried so hard to appear upbeat when visiting my mother but it was so hard to maintain a happy face when I was breaking up inside.

All I can say is I tried hard to repay the love and care my mother had given me when I was younger. I did find that focusing on this did help a little.

I would like to say a big thank you to Garf for his kind words and yes I did have a red face when I finished reading what he had written. But as you already know Candy, Garf also does a lot to help people on this forum and is a great source of help and support to people on here.

Sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian

Hi again Brian, sorry i keep missing peoples replies! Missed Garf's and then yours!

Yes it is having quite a big affect on me, i'm trying to be happy and stay upbeat but its quite difficult! Especially when i go in and shes out of it like i said in my other reply. I see in your reply earlier you said your mum was also like this, i wonder if its much of the same situation then...

No more news on the hospice yet, not sure how they will go about talking to my mum regarding this since she isnt able to make much sense.. Did your mum go to a hospice?

I've been trying to keep things happy when i visit, painting her nails etc ( us girls always need nice nails ) Had a nice surprise last night when we went in, an old family friend had popped in to visit, so that was nice for her!

Yeah Garf is helping me a lot, its good to have people to talk to. But you also do a lot to help people out myself included, so you and garf are pretty similar !

xxxx

Hi Candy,

It was really good of your Mum's friend to visit her in hospital and to see a friendly face that she hasn't seen for a while I expect would have cheered her up.  When my Dad was in hospital in Liverpool after his operation my uncle who he used to get on really well with paid him a visit as he lived a fairly short drive away in Warrington.  My uncle is Mum's brother but he and Dad hadn't seen eachother since my parents broke up about thirty years ago and so he was made up with the visit.

We mentioned earlier the subject of strength and you said you didn't know if you would have the strength do deal with what is happening and what will happen.  I can tell you that you are already proving your strength by not only visiting your Mum when she is so ill but to keep things happy and do things like paint her nails proves proves what a strong and caring person you are and I have no doubt your Mum is very proud of her daughter.

Both you and Brian have mentioned how both of your Mums seemed to be out of it and very lethargic and certainly in Brian's case it was partially down to the medication she was on and I can agree with that as my Nana died of breast cancer when I was about nine years old.  She stayed at home throughout her illness and so the last time I saw her she was so dosed up with painkillers she looked at me but there was no recognition in her eyes.

I will check in again later but keep your strength up and if you find it running a bit low come here and we will see if we can send you some virtually.

Garf. x 

Good evening Garf!

Yeah it was really nice of him to take the time to visit her, I think even he found it a bit difficult, looked like he was holding back tears. Think I sometimes forget that it's also hard on her friends and people she's known most of her life.. Strange how many people one can affect!! That's really nice about your uncle visiting I'm sure that would've gave your dad something to smile about at a hard time!

Aw how sweet of you to say that but I don't feel strong! Seems to be getting more difficult each day but just gotta keep going at it don't we! Went up again tonight she was more awake tonight although still not making much sense... Like you say about your aunt it could be down to painkillers but still not sure. Gonna try get a hold of a consultant tomorrow and find out what's really going on!!

Thank you I will keep you post xxx