Hi again everyone. Another update for anyone who's interested. Mum is still in hospital, very sore and very out of breath. The doctors did a scan the other day as they thought there was fluid on the lung which they were hoping to drain which would ease her breathlessness but after doing the scan they found there was no fluid, it appears it's all down to the tumour on the lung, so doesn't look like much can be done to help with her breathing...

Feeling rather upset today and annoyed. Wish more could be done and hate leaving her in the hospital. Also hate the thought of them examining her and proding at her as I know she will find it all very embarrasing. She has a lot of memory loss due to the tumours which spread to her brain yet they constantly ask her questions she can't remember the answers too!!!!! She is allergic to certain medications yet they sit seem to make note of it just rely on asking her even though she doesn't know, so she ends up ill cause they give her it anyway.

They are saying it might be best for her to go to a hospice now and aren't sure she will fight off the infection this time:(

Sorry for the rant I am just getting annoyed and upset now!

Hi again Candy,

I hope you have been able to get some answers from the nurses with the number Jane left you.

I understand that you are angry right now and also hate having to leave your Mum to be poked and prodded by doctors who may seem like they don't really care however in this situation it may seem difficult to distinguish between them not caring and simply the detachment that most doctors and nurses have from their patients.  I will also repeat that it does seem, based on what you have written that your Mum would be more comfortable in a hospice as they are specifically set up to care for people who are ill like your Mum is and my Dad was rather than her staying in a busy hospital.

This may seem like a crazy statement to make but I actually envy you being able to see your Mum as often as you do even though she is very sick.  My Dad lived in North Wales and I live on the South Coast so I would make the trip once or twice a month, each time during his last months seeing a marked decrease in his health with each visit.  I have said this to many people here in the past and I will no doubt say it again but when you are with your Mum try and make her smile whenever you can as in that brief instant there is no pain.  Also imprint those moments in your memory as they will help you a little in the future. As for feeling angry that is perfectly natural but it also drains your strength so if you can find a way to calm your mind and diffuse the anger a little that will also help.

Take care Candy and the very best wishes to you and your Mum.

Garf.     

Hi Garf

I am not able to phone them as I am in work all night so I have left them a message on here and hope to hear from them when they are not too busy.

I understand she may be better in a hospice and that is her decision I will agree with whatever she thinks. But I have heard her say on a few occasions she feels that is where people go when they are extremely ill and very close to death.. Maybe she doesn't realise just how ill and weak she is.

I know what you are saying about the doctors and nurses but just feels sometimes that it is hard to get a hold of someone and find out what is really going on. We still don't really understand why she is in this time and what should happen now...

Did your dad have lung cancer as well? Sorry I can't remember what you had told me about his illness

Yes I know what you mean about  being able to see her loads, I am only in my 20 so I still live at home so I am able to see her everyday luckily.

I am trying to let go of the anger but just wish people didn't need to deal with this!

xxx

Hi again,

Yes Dad did have lung cancer.  He kept going to see his doctor about a cough that wouldn't go away and his doctor kept prescribing antibiotics.  When Dad went back and ended up seeing a lokum he was sent for an x-ray immediately which showed a shadow on his lung.  I have tried VERY hard not to be angry with Dad's doctor as there is nothing to say an earlier x-ray would have made any difference to the outcome.  The lung was removed within two months in Liverpool but it seems the surgeon may have contaminated other areas while performing the procedure although I got that information third hand so I don't know for sure.  Anyway just like your Mum the chemo that followed was in-effective and so it just became a matter of when the end would come.  I travelled to North Wales for his 75th birthday party and that was the day I was told by my Aunty that according to the doctors he was expected to have already been gone a month or so earlier.  He lived for almost a full year after that but died in May 2012.

Candy I can only empathize with what you are going through right now and tell you to simply take each day as it comes.  It is so hard to find yourself grieving for a loved one who is actually still with us but stay strong and let the people here help if we can.

I will check here again tomorrow.

Garf. x

Hi Garf, how are you today?

Thanks for filling me in about your dad. It's great that you made it to his 75th party and amazing he managed to keep fighting on for another year, I'm sure he was a great man! My mum was the same, she had a bad cough and also a very sore back. I understand when you say you find it hard not to be angry with them not taking it seriously at first as my mums situation was much the same, and that is shocking about the possibility of contamination! Due to location my mums wasn't able to be removed as it was too risky as it was near the heart.

Visited mum tonight she is looking very pale and thin. Finding it hard to breathe, a lot of small shot breaths. Been informed by the nurse that this doesn't look like a chest infection after all and perhaps just the cancer and this is her deteriorating :((. Doesn't look like she will be coming home this time and they are going to look into a place at the hospice. This just feels so unfair no one deserves this and finding it very hard to watch this happen to my mum. It's strange that when I first found about this all I took it in and kind of dealt with it but as time has went on I feel myself coping less and less...

How do you deal with it? I can see no way I ever being normal again after I lose her :((......

Hi Candy,

I have just caught up with your thread and am so sorry for you and your poor Mum.

Although your Mum has misgivings about going into a hospice the care they give is second to none in my experience and her comfort will be their priority.

I can understand that you initially dealt with it and as time has gone on your coping less and less.

We all need hope in life and thats probably what you had enough of a first, but maybe now you don't have that same hope and so feel hopeless.

That is a difficult place to be.

I am sending you my virtual hugs and hope your Mum wherever she is finds a peaceful and painfree state.

Thinking of you

Annabel. xx

Hi Annabel, thank you for taking the time to read and answer my thread!

I think the reason she is wary about the hospice is that she sees it as a place people go to die, perhaps she doesn't see herself as in that position.. I just feel so sorry for her I hate this!! I think your right, I think I always believed the radiotherapy would work or that something would work and cure it, but obviously that is not the case :(. I'm getting to the point where I just wanna stay in bed and hide, can't be bothered with work or anything but I know I need to...

Don't get how after losing someone so close people can just go back to routine like work etc, when the worst happens I can't ever see myself being the same!

Thank you for your advice, sorry I don't have more to say, time to get up for work

xxxx

Hi Candy,

I am very glad that I was able to make it to Dad's 75th although I have a photo of that day that I hate because of the news I had just been told and the fact that he looks so thin and weak.  If you go to my profile you will see a picture of him and I taken just before he was diagnosed.  I love that picture and yes he truly was a great man.

I understand that your Mum thinks of a hospice as somewhere to go to die and it would be very difficult to persuade her otherwise.  My Dad thought the same but after he had been there for a little while, he was so much more comfortable and he loved the people who cared for him, often singing their praises. Obviously Anabell thinks the same!

You are right that it is entirely unfair that good people have to cope with what cancer does to them and the people they love and it is extremely difficult to deal with.  I can only tell you that I dealt with it in part by finding support here but also by allowing my emotions to come out when they needed to after he was gone.  You have to grieve otherwise you will not heal.  As for never being normal again I'm afraid that this will change you but it doesn't have to be a change for the worst.  Time as they say is a great healer and I have to say that despite how much I love and miss my Dad I had been coping pretty well.  Unfortunately events conspired to change me again but I won't go into that right now.

I have to go now but take care and let me know how you are doing and if you have any more questions I will do my best to answer.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf. Yes I understand how you could associate that picture with the sad news you were told, I do the same with a picture I have which was taken just before we were told about the cancer spreading to the brain. I had already had a look at your profile a few days ago and saw the picture you mean, he looks like a very sweet man! I also saw the drawing, was it yourself who did that? It's amazing :)!!

Yeah the more I think about it and talk to people about it they convince me the best thing would be the hospice now. And if it will mean more one on one care and more sort of friendlier care then I guess it's best. Our local one also does pampering days as well where they can get there hair and nails done etc which I'm sure my mum would enjoy also!! I guess we will just have to wait and see what gets said in the next few days...

Was your dad in the hospice long do you mind me asking? Or did he go there towards the end?

Oh dear I'm sorry to hear you have experienced something else upsetting. I hope you are ok!

Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, it's greatly appreciated

xxx

Hi Candy

Sorry to intrude on your post to Garf who is a lovely person whom I have had the chance to talk to several times on this forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and this monster of a disease.  I hope and pray that you get the strength to cope with whatever lies ahead of you.

I see you are only in your 20s and you care deeply for your mum and hate to see her like this but remember it is this awful disease that has taken over her.

The same happened to my father-in-law.  He had bowel cancer which spread to both his lungs and stomach and developed a bad chest infection and died in hospital very unexpectedly.

I am sorry I can't give you any advice about the hospice but hopefully Garf and maybe a few others on this forum will be able to give you the information you need.

Take care Candy and hugs to you.  I am always here if you want to have a chat or even a rant.

Mickied

Hi Mickied. Don't be silly you are not intruding, thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my post :)! Yes Garf does seem like a lovely person!

Yes your right I am only 20, feel I am too young to be losing my mum but then I guess there is no age that this would feel normal at. I hope I can somehow learn to cope with what is going to come, it's pretty scary and finding it particularly tough this week, having a few off days lately!

Oh dear I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law, I've learned that infections like chest and pnemoinia are pretty dangerous to people in these positions, my mum has been in and out of hosp a few times with them and has always bounced back so I guess I excepted the same this time, maybe this is why I'm getting more upset now having being told it may be time for a hospice.

That's okay you don't have any advice about the hospice, sometimes it's good to just chat in general about it all. Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, I hope to keep it up. Take care xxx

Hi Mickied. Don't be silly you are not intruding, thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my post :)! Yes Garf does seem like a lovely person!

Yes your right I am only 20, feel I am too young to be losing my mum but then I guess there is no age that this would feel normal at. I hope I can somehow learn to cope with what is going to come, it's pretty scary and finding it particularly tough this week, having a few off days lately!

Oh dear I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law, I've learned that infections like chest and pnemoinia are pretty dangerous to people in these positions, my mum has been in and out of hosp a few times with them and has always bounced back so I guess I excepted the same this time, maybe this is why I'm getting more upset now having being told it may be time for a hospice.

That's okay you don't have any advice about the hospice, sometimes it's good to just chat in general about it all. Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, I hope to keep it up. Take care xxx

Hi Candy,

Hope you don't mind me replying to you. I lost my mother to breast cancer eight years ago today, and am still feeling her loss even now.

I think there is a public misconception about hospice's in that like your mother, a lot of people think its a place where people spend their final days. But my mother spent a week in there as the hospital couldn't sort out medication to ease my mothers pain. They were absolutely brilliant and had sorted it out in a matter of a few days and she was able to go home again. They often have far more expertise in this area. She also used to go there one day per week for several months. The care she received there was first rate and I would say far better and the nurses more helpful and friendly than the hospital.

We all try hard to show a brave face for the sake of our loved ones while falling apart inside. I am please that Garf, Annabel and Mikied have all made contact with you, They are very caring people who have often offered support to me.

There was an advertising campaign a few years ago which stated "Its good to talk" and it is so true for it is often far easier to talk to people on here than it is to family or friends.

Take care Candy, sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian.

Hi Woodworm No of course not, the more replies the better! I'm sorry to hear about you losing your mother!

Yes i must admit i was also one who thought of hospices in this way, but people on here are making me think otherwise. Its quite difficult to get hold of a nurse or doctor at night time visting at the hospital to actually get more information on what is happening, its all a bit confusing at the moment. She also now has a drain in her lung even though they said they werent going to do this, again couldnt get a hold of anyone to ask them about it....

Yes i am trying to put on a brave face but its always a shock walking in to her room everynight, maybe its my imagination but she looks sicker each time. WIsh i could make her better

Its true it is good to talk! Hope to speak to you again, take care xx

Hi Candy,

You have highlighted the same problem I had in that when I visited my mother in the evening, there was never any one there to talk to about about her condition. I also saw her go from being a fit, active and healthy person to someone who at the end had trouble feeding herself. I know it sounds terribly selfish. 

Hope you are soon able to get the information from one of the doctors. I have to admit to almost dreading seeing my mother towards the end as it was so hard seeing her going down hill like she was and not being able to do anything about it..

Do take for of yourself, sending best wishes, Brian

Hi Candy

I hope you are coping OK.  I can just tell by your post you are a caring and loving person and you will find that these trials in life are always sent to test good people in this world.  You are entitled to a few days off as you are only human like the rest of us.  I hope Candy you are not trying to cope with all this on your own.  I am not sure if you said you had siblings.  Do you mind me asking are you the eldest in your family and what age your mum is?

Yes it was very unexpected for my father-in-law and what made it even worse for me was that I couldn't visit him at home because I had a chest infection at the same time and I didn't want him catching anything.  I then discovered before he was admitted to hospital he had became very confused and had actually fell the previous night in the kitchen.

Take care Candy and I am sending this with hugs

Mickied

Hello Woodworm, or should i say Brian! Sorry i never even realised that this was your real name lol!

Yes im finding this alot. I always feel like the staff forget there is a family at home worrying and often forget we need to know the facts too. My mum has a lot of memory loss and forgets things so she doesnt always remember what shes been told, so we can't rely on that, we need information too. I know how you feel i am starting to feel the same, my heart breaks each time i walk into the room and i start to dread what she will look like... Its hard to keep a brave face on!

Finishing up in the shop now, home to get ready and up to the hospital. Will let you know how she is

xxx

Hi again! I'm okay today... Maybe cause its Friday lol?

Aww thank you thats so sweet to say! But i wish they would test me some other way and not like this... I have a sister who is older than me, i am the youngest of the family, my sister is 30. My mum is only in her early 50s so still quite young

Oh dear thats such a shame! Im sorry to hear that you couldn't visit him!

Sorry this is such a quick post i am getting ready to head home from the shop and get ready to visit mum!

Speak to you again soon!

xxx

Hi Candy,

No need to apologise Candy, I get called lots of different names on here, Profesor Nutty being the latest  Cancer is a complex disease and it affects us both physically and emotionally. It also affect close family members and friends as well. I think that the emotional side is often harder to deal with, especially for the relatives. I know from my own experience, I tried so hard to appear upbeat when visiting my mother but it was so hard to maintain a happy face when I was breaking up inside.

All I can say is I tried hard to repay the love and care my mother had given me when I was younger. I did find that focusing on this did help a little.

I would like to say a big thank you to Garf for his kind words and yes I did have a red face when I finished reading what he had written. But as you already know Candy, Garf also does a lot to help people on this forum and is a great source of help and support to people on here.

Sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian

Hi again Brian, sorry i keep missing peoples replies! Missed Garf's and then yours!

Yes it is having quite a big affect on me, i'm trying to be happy and stay upbeat but its quite difficult! Especially when i go in and shes out of it like i said in my other reply. I see in your reply earlier you said your mum was also like this, i wonder if its much of the same situation then...

No more news on the hospice yet, not sure how they will go about talking to my mum regarding this since she isnt able to make much sense.. Did your mum go to a hospice?

I've been trying to keep things happy when i visit, painting her nails etc ( us girls always need nice nails ) Had a nice surprise last night when we went in, an old family friend had popped in to visit, so that was nice for her!

Yeah Garf is helping me a lot, its good to have people to talk to. But you also do a lot to help people out myself included, so you and garf are pretty similar !

xxxx

Hi Candy,

It was really good of your Mum's friend to visit her in hospital and to see a friendly face that she hasn't seen for a while I expect would have cheered her up.  When my Dad was in hospital in Liverpool after his operation my uncle who he used to get on really well with paid him a visit as he lived a fairly short drive away in Warrington.  My uncle is Mum's brother but he and Dad hadn't seen eachother since my parents broke up about thirty years ago and so he was made up with the visit.

We mentioned earlier the subject of strength and you said you didn't know if you would have the strength do deal with what is happening and what will happen.  I can tell you that you are already proving your strength by not only visiting your Mum when she is so ill but to keep things happy and do things like paint her nails proves proves what a strong and caring person you are and I have no doubt your Mum is very proud of her daughter.

Both you and Brian have mentioned how both of your Mums seemed to be out of it and very lethargic and certainly in Brian's case it was partially down to the medication she was on and I can agree with that as my Nana died of breast cancer when I was about nine years old.  She stayed at home throughout her illness and so the last time I saw her she was so dosed up with painkillers she looked at me but there was no recognition in her eyes.

I will check in again later but keep your strength up and if you find it running a bit low come here and we will see if we can send you some virtually.

Garf. x 

Good evening Garf!

Yeah it was really nice of him to take the time to visit her, I think even he found it a bit difficult, looked like he was holding back tears. Think I sometimes forget that it's also hard on her friends and people she's known most of her life.. Strange how many people one can affect!! That's really nice about your uncle visiting I'm sure that would've gave your dad something to smile about at a hard time!

Aw how sweet of you to say that but I don't feel strong! Seems to be getting more difficult each day but just gotta keep going at it don't we! Went up again tonight she was more awake tonight although still not making much sense... Like you say about your aunt it could be down to painkillers but still not sure. Gonna try get a hold of a consultant tomorrow and find out what's really going on!!

Thank you I will keep you post xxx