Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hi again Mickied,

Thanks so much for asking after us - we are ok, Mum is doing well and is still coping ok with the treatment, she has had a few side effects and is picking up a few coughs and colds where her immune system is weakened, but the docs are being supportive and have helped with most things.  As for me, I do seem to have got better at this 'one day at a time' thing we spoke about!  I've realised there is no point specualting on the future, because we don't know what it holds (for any of us actually!)  I'm still a bit up and down, and for example this morning, was speaking to a friend in New Zealand, who I don't get to talk to very often - I was talking to her about Mum and ended up in floods of tears.  But sometimes it's good to let it all out, and I am better at keeping a check on my emotions now.

Thank you also for your prayers for my mum - and as you say, you do hear of stories where they work.

How are you doing yourself?

Thanks again for the reply, and take care,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

I am glad to hear your mum is keeping OK and the professionals are keeping an eye on her.  You are right Catherine about not speculating on the future as no-one knows what is in store for them.

I have been very weepy too all weekend.  Seems to be everytime I thought of something I could feel myself filing up.  Even listening to a song the other day had me feeling weepy and then I was OK again.

I am a bit annoyed I won't get to spend Mother's Day with my mum as we have to go to a Christening and stay overnight but my mother-in-law will be there along with her daughter while I won't get to see mine.  I know some people may think that is petty of me but I am not happy about this arrangement.  I would hate to think of her spending it on her own.

I still have your mum in my prayers.

Take care and talk again

Mickied

Hi mickied,

Thanks for your reply, and sorry for delay getting back to you.

How are you - you said you had been quite down over the weekend when you wrote, so really hope you are feeling a bit brighter now.  I do know what you mean, about how little things set you off - I am generally keeping on top of things, but every so often (Sundays are always bad!) I have a bad day, and the slightest thing sets me off.  I find tiredness is often the cause, as definitely don't sleep well most of the time.

I don't think your feelings about Mother's Day are petty at all - it is an important day and natural that you would want to be with her.  I guess it is one of those compromises we have to make, especially when married and there are extra demands on you - but it is hard to see other people being with their mums and you not being with yours.  My brother takes the view though that Mother's Day is actually just another day, and in fact you could be with and spoil your mum any day of the year, which isn't a bad way to look at it!

We are going to my in laws for the Easter break this year - we will see my Mum and Dad on the way up (they live about half way to my in laws house!) and I am worried that I won't want to leave and go on to be with my husband's parents when we could stay and have all those extra days with mine.  It is just one of those silly things about wanting to be with them as much as possible, but we do not see that much of my in laws so know we have to spend time with them too.  It's just harder than normal this year.

Thanks again for staying in touch and keeping mum in your prayers, it is very much appreciated.

Take care, Catherine x

Hi Catherine

There is no need to apologise so you have to stay with the inlaws too.  You sound very close to your parents Catherine a bit like myself and you like to spend some time with them.  I usually spend time with my mum on a Sunday.  We go to the shops to get some groceries and then to the cemetery to leave some flowers for my father.  My father-in-law is also buried in the same cemetery but my husband refuses to visit his grave but has no problem visiting my fathers.

I like what your brother said and I going to act on that but I only have this weekend to do something.  I will get some flowers delivered and some chocolates - dark chocolate is her favourite.

Have you any plans yourself for Mother's Day?  Your inlaws will understand you want to spend more time with your mum and so will your husband.  It just can't be helped.

Thanks for asking still feeling bit down over the weekend I guess tiredness had a lot to do with it I wasn't sleeping too well over the last week or so.  Kept waking up during the night and then couldn't get back to sleep and then up early for work.

Still keeping your mum in my prayers.

Take care

Mickied

Hello everyone.  It's been a while since I was on here but a lot has happened in that time.  Mum was going through her chemo cycle, but had a bit of a blip one week when she was told she could not have her next lot because her blood count was not as it needed to be.  I had actually gone up to stay so could be with her for her treatment that week, and whilst there Mum told me that the oncologist had asked her to go back for a scan earlier than expected, as her bloods were showing that her tumour count was still high.  Mum went for the scan, and the results came back to say that the chemo had not done anything at all, and the tumour had grown ever so slightly, as had the spots on her lung.

Not the news we wanted, but perhaps the news we had been preparing for.  Mum has been given the option of a second, even more aggressive course of chemo, but has been advised that this is unlikely to have significant effects, especially as the first has not done anything to shrink the tumour.  With this news, Mum has immediately decided to stop treatment.  Obviously, we are all trying to be supportive of her decision, but I cannot shake off some niggling doubts.  The first is that can only one, relatively short course of treatment be indicative of what further treatments might do?  And even more so, if the tumours only grew by a very small amount in 3 months, does that not suggest that the chemo was doing something?

I am so unsure whether to raise these questions with Mum - I don't want to seem dismissive of her decision, and equally don't want to seem like I am bullying her to go through more treatment.  I know that I am just trying to buy more time with her, so does that make me selfish?  And ultimately, am I living in false hope that the treatment will suddenly start to have the effect we hoped it would from the outset?  I just don't know.  Mum's view is that she just wants her old life back for as long as she can have it, but my worry is that with no treatment, that may be reduced even more than having treatment and coping with the side effects.

Thanks to anyone who reads this and has any advice to offer xx

Hi mickied - sorry again for not replying sooner, I was away with my parents for a long break and work has been crazy.  How are you now, and how did your Mother's day work out in the end, did you manage to do something for your mum beforehand?  I hope it all worked out.

Our Mother's Day was not so good in the end - Mum had a bad day the day before, so come Mother's Day we were all a bit over tired and emotional.  My daughter was quite unwell over that weekend as well, so we were all worried about her and looking after her kind of took over being with Mum.  The best laid plans and all that I suppose! We did manage to cook a family meal, and sort some details for a short holiday we are going to take with mum and dad soon.

Do let me know how things are and thinking of you,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine,

Firstly let me say, you are not being selfish at all. I am not a doctor but chemo like any medication, often takes time for its affects to show up and start shrinking the tumour.  So to me as a non medical person the fact that the tumour has only increased a little means that had your mother not had the treatment it may well have grown a lot more. I don't know if you have read the post by Sofia, her chemo didn't seem to be working at first and stopped treatment much like your mother. But she restarted them and now it is working so it might well work the same for your mother.

At the same time, I can understand your mothers reluctance to continue her treatment as it does detract from the quality of life. My own opinion is I feel that you should talk about this with your mother. I know it's a very difficult thing and I do understand what you say when you write that you don't want to feel you are bullying her or trying to force her to do things she doesn't want to do. I feel sure you will make the right decision for both of you.

Sending best wishes to both you and your mother, Brian

Hi Catherine

Have been sorry to read that your Mum's chemo does not appear to have worked and there are very many different reasons(and cancers) where it does not do the trick unfortunately.  I can only look at this from our personal perspective so here goes. My husband has incurable cancer of the lung membranes (diagnosed Feb 12). Had pain relief till October 2012 when after discussions with consultant oncologist he was given the option of a course of chemo to try and hold the cancer back for a while.  He grabbed the opportunity as you can only have this treatment whilst body in reasonable good health!  He had first treatment (bad side effects) second treatment delayed due to blood count problems but went ahead two weeks later (was very ill). More discussions and then had third session (very ill again despite an increase in other drugs to try and control these).  We were half way through proposed treatment (during which he lost 2stone) and he had no quality of life being unable to do much at all because of the side effects.  HE had a scan and it showed a very tiny change but we all sat round a table with his medical/social support team (so grateful for their straightforward and sensible approach) and were advised that his body was being so ravaged by the chemotherapy that it was likely to do more harm than good if he continued treatment and though the decision was ultimately his their advice was to cease now and have a chance of some good times and let his body recover.  This was just before Christmas 2012 and now he is on slow release pain killers, has regained most of the lost weight, can eat and does 2 days a week part time (he is 62 next month) and though we have no idea how long he may or may not have, he is totally at ease with his decision because he does not feel he is suffering. We are going on a short break with the family in April to Sherwood Forest, he cant walk far without being breathless but can still drive and enjoy the change of scene and time with out children and their partners and our 4 yr old grandson so this is the positive side of our lives.

Please dont call yourself selfish. You only want what is best for your Mum and thats what we all want for our loved ones.  If she has had all the facts and is comfortable and thus happy with her decision (you dont reach these decisions easily and its not about giving up but giving yourself a chance to have some good times whilst you still can), I hope that she will find your love and support invaluable and I know from how you write that you will be there when it matters to both of you.  I do sincerely wish you all the very best during this difficult journey. Sadly there are no easy answers (I only wish there were) and hope you dont mind my responding.  Best regards Jules54

Hi Catherine

There is no need to feel sorry for not replying sooner.  Just read about your mum.  I don't think you are selfish at all Catherine in wanting to give your mum the best chance of continuing with her treatment.

I know they said the first cycle of treatment wasn't successful and could a second cyle of chemo help her.  What does her oncologist think about this second course of treatment does he feel it would buy your mum more time.  I don't think there is a definite answer to this one Catherine but I hope and pray that your mum makes the right decision even if it is one you will have to respect her wishes.

Sorry to hear you weren't well over Mother's Day like myself and the rest of the house.  We all came down with the flu and I still have it.  It is very hard to shake off.

Thinking about your and your mum.  You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care

Mickied

Hello Jules54 - thank you as always for taking the time to reply, and sharing more about your story.  Your husband sounds like a wonderful and courageous man, and it seems like he is doing exactly what my Mum is hoping to do - accepting his condition but getting on with life as best he can.  Not that you haven't all been through some ordeals along the way, but your message suggests he is at ease with his decision, and I can only guess that you must take comfort from that as well, especially as he is not suffering.  Great news that he has bounced back so well, and is able to do and enjoy the things you speak about.  One of the hardest things about cancer (and many other illnesses I guess) is that the stuff that's supposed to make you better can actually make things worse - it's hard to get your head around that, and the decision always has to be about weighing up whether the side effects of the treatment are worse than the illness itself, which is in many cases is a guessing game, especially as none of us know how the illness will progress and how quickly...

Your are absolutely right to say that taking these decisions is not about giving up, but is about making the most of the time left, and I completely respect that.  I also respect that it is only a decision that can fully be made by the person suffering from the disease, yes of course we will have feelings and opinions, but ultimately it is not up to us. You say about Mum having all the facts and being comfortable with her decision - I guess I have to reassure myself that this is the case, and if it is then move on and accept things.

Thank you again for all your words of advice and comfort.  I often read your messages on here to others, and it's good to follow your story as I pick up lots of little ideas and ways to think about things differently, which all helps.  I wish you and your husband and family all the very best, and hope you have a lovely family break in April.

Regards, Catherine