I thought I would just post an update.

After a couple of horrible days of pledging to be positive, but pretty much failing miserably, I took a spur of the moment trip up to Mum and Dad's.  Work were brilliant and just told me to do what I needed to do!

It was wonderful - a chance to talk things through properly, and (quite selfishly) a chance to have them all to myself for just one day.  My mum amazed me, apart from the fact that she looks and feels absolutely no different (how can this be if she has something that is apparently so nasty?), she was so together.  She is realistic about what might happen, but so controlled with her emotions and outlook.  I just couldn't fall apart any more knowing she is being like that, and she has given me emotional strength.  I just hope I did the same for her.

My Dad was perhaps more of a worry - he is not well himself, so we are packing him off back to the GP, as until he feels better, I think he is going to struggle to come to terms with things. I'm currently looking into sources of emotional support for him (outside of family and close friends)

My Mum had her first course of chemo today - I will be ringing shortly to see how it went and am keeping everything crossed.

Thinking of everyone else who is supporting loved ones through this horrible disease, and hoping you manage to find opportunities to have those wonderful, impromptu times like I had yesterday.

Catherine xx

I thought I would just post an update.

After a couple of horrible days of pledging to be positive, but pretty much failing miserably, I took a spur of the moment trip up to Mum and Dad's.  Work were brilliant and just told me to do what I needed to do!

It was wonderful - a chance to talk things through properly, and (quite selfishly) a chance to have them all to myself for just one day.  My mum amazed me, apart from the fact that she looks and feels absolutely no different (how can this be if she has something that is apparently so nasty?), she was so together.  She is realistic about what might happen, but so controlled with her emotions and outlook.  I just couldn't fall apart any more knowing she is being like that, and she has given me emotional strength.  I just hope I did the same for her.

My Dad was perhaps more of a worry - he is not well himself, so we are packing him off back to the GP, as until he feels better, I think he is going to struggle to come to terms with things. I'm currently looking into sources of emotional support for him (outside of family and close friends)

My Mum had her first course of chemo today - I will be ringing shortly to see how it went and am keeping everything crossed.

Thinking of everyone else who is supporting loved ones through this horrible disease, and hoping you manage to find opportunities to have those wonderful, impromptu times like I had yesterday.

Catherine xx

Hi Catherine

Sounds like you had a really good day and it has helped immensely. Sometimes it is better to take that trip and see for yourself how things are and not at all selfish. Never easy to judge how people are coping when you talk on the phone. As times goes on I find that I draw strength to cope, sometimes without even realise I am coping until I am through a particular blip (strangely whilst coping with the cancer journey of my husband I seem less able to cope with some every day problems which once upon a time I would sale through). Suppose you can only take on so much stress and you have to pidgeonhole parts of your life to cope with others. Hope this ramble makes sense. Do hope you can find the support locally for your Dad and also that Mum does okay on the chemo.  Wishing you all the best of luck. Jules

Hello Catherine,

Glad you spent a lovely day with your Mum and Dad yesterday.  I can really relate to what you say about having 'wonderful, impromptu' times with your Mum.  For me (I lost my Dad to Oesophageal Cancer last June) it was these times that really helped me to stay strong for my Dad - and he for me (and all of us).  I hope everything went ok for your Mum with her chemo today.  Katielouie x 

Hi Jules and Katielouie,

Thanks both for your replies.

Katielouie. we haven't been in touch before, but thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and so many other people on here, and still share your experience to help others.  I am so sorry for your loss, but think it is a fantastic thing to do to use this site to give support to others going through the same thing.

Mum's first lot of chemo went well, as well as something like that can.  She was comfortable during the treatment, and felt at ease with everything they did and told her, and so far, the side effects have been minimal, but we know it is only very early.

I guess with cancer that you hold onto every positive, but they have now told her that although surgery was ruled out at the begining, there is a possibility that if the chemo works well, that it might become an option.  I am trying to keep this bit of news in perspective, but it has given me a much needed boost.

Jules - something you said to me in your first message was about how I could help my daughter get to know my mum now, so I have been making sure I either show her a photograph or just tell her something about my mum every day.  Thank you for the advice, as this is helping ease some of the sadness I felt about this particular part of the situation.

Thank you again and all the best to you both,

Catherine x

Hi

Great to read that your Mum coped well with the chemo. Fear of the unknown before that first treatment leaves you wondering what the hell is going to happen.  I went with my husband the first time so that I knew what happened and though it was a long day sitting around (his took 6hrs infusion on the day ward). I felt so much better knowing what was happening to him.  For subsequent treatments he went by himself as I was working and he said he could sleep if I was not there. He drove himself and was fine during the procedures and that put our minds at rest.  It was good news for  you/her too that surgery may become an option at a later date if all goes well.  All those little positive lifts help you cope. Thank you for commenting about my suggestions re your daughter and your Mum. Children seem to adapt so much better than adults and adjust much quicker to changing surroundings. Our grandson visited today and we watched him build a snowman in our back garden with his Dad and with such cold temperatures think he may hang around for a while. We also had a fox visit at 11 a.m. and he was rolling around in the snow - lovely.  Do hope your Mum continues to cope well. Take care Jules

Hello all,

I wanted to come on here today, as it's been a funny weekend and a tough day..

My Mum and Dad came down to stay with us - it was so lovely to see them, but ultimately has left me feeling worse than ever.  I had a wonderful day with my Mum and my daughter on Saturday, and then we had a big family day yesterday. Mum is on her first 'rest' week from her chemo, and is doing ok - she's had a few issues to deal with but has generally been able to get them sorted.

But after such a nice weekend, I feel so low today - I think it is because try as I did to avoid this, I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about things that we won't be able to do if the worst happens.  And also thinking that there will always be this cloud over us when we are together.  I so desperately want to make it go away, and just enjoy every minute.  And after finding a way of coping with the thoughts previously, I also found myself getting upset at the thought of my daughter perhaps not growing up knowing my mum - I loved seeing them together, and my Mum takes such delight from her time with her grand-daughter.  I just can't believe there may be a time that this won't be possible.

I guess this is all part of the ups and downs of this horrible illness, I feel guilty for being so emotional when my Mum is coping so well, but I know she has bad times too - she just seems to hide them to protect us, it's all so mad, we all feel so bad, and yet no one wants to upset anyone else???

It's great that there is a forum to share these kind of thoughts, and am sure there are others out there experiencing the same roller coaster - I just can't get it all straight in my head, I had just about got to a place where I could balance the knowledge of what was happening with life outside of that, and then today I feel back to square one.

I send everyone else going through this the very best, and know I will continue to take strength from reading your stories so thank you x

Hi Catherine - just read your story.  I think we sometimes feel a bit guilty if we feel happy when we feel we shouldn't.  Everyone copes different Catherine and I have just started to realise that myself.

Some people cope better than others.  I think it is the way our bodies are programmed to cope with certain things in life.  I think you think the same as me while the rest of my in-laws seem to be able to laugh about my father-in-law who I lost last November part of me still feels very raw about it all.  They can sit and talk about him as if nothing happened.  I still fill up when I think back to that night he died and my husband got the phonecall to say he had died and he had just left him that night in the hospital.  My daughter is the same she keeps asking when her granda is coming back which starts me off again.  You are like me always planning for the future and never thinking about living for the day.

If we didn't feel like that Catherine we would be very hard hearted instead of being so soft-hearted.

Hope your mum continues to keep well.

Mickied

Hi CAE,

I think that when cancer is involved there will always be peaks and troughs, high's and low's. It is also inevitable that all of you, are trying to hide how your really feeling inside from other member of your family, (we all do it for the best of reasons). I think that there are very few families who could be open and honest about their feelings with their family faced with your situation. I can also relate to what you said about your daughter at some stage in the future growing up without the guidance and love of her grandmother.

You should not feel guilty at all, it's all part of the emotional toll that cancer exacts from us in one way or another. If you feel like crying, do not feel ashamed either, for crying is like a safety valve that helps get rid of our pent up emotions. Much better to cry and get it out of our system. Emotions are often underestimated and the impact they have on our live is not that well understood. For something that cant be seen, only felt, emotions cover such a wide range of feelings and we seem to feel most of them more than normal when someone we love is suffering from cancer.

I am glad that as you are feeling low, you came back on here today which shows me that you feel that this great site helps you, although of course I am sorry for your need to do so.

As I have said before, anytime you feel alone and want to talk, scream, or shout, this is what this site is for.

Please keep in contact, sending best wishes to you, your mother, daughter, and all your family, Brian