Hi CAE,

What a nice way to start off your thread. I joined this site in May last year and have made contact with some wonderful people during the last few months. I have heard some very sad stories and some tremendously inspirational ones as well. I am glad that reading some of them has prompted you to join.

Anyway welcome to this great forum and thank you for telling us about your mother and her cancer and how you are struggling to cope. One thing I have learned since joining is that cancers sticky spiders web soon envelops the whole of the family and close friends as well. One thing stands out in your post and that is the love you have for your mother.  Another thing is that it I often feel it is harder for the family of the patient as we are trying to appear strong and supportive while inside we are falling apart. As you say feeling every different emotion that's possible. What you say about your daughter never getting to know your mother hits home with me. for when my mother was in hospital slowly slipping away about seven years ago with breast cancer which had spread to her brain, she never got to hold my youngest grandson as he was born with problems and was in and out of hospital himself. I told her about him but I know she would have loved to hold him, even if only for a few moments.

I am so pleased you have family to support you  but I would just say, if you can, tell them how you feel and shere your feelings with them. So many famalies dont do this as they feel by telling others how they feel, it only increases thier own worries but I think that if you can do this they in turn will open up to you. They do say a problem shared is a problem halved and I think applies so much to the situation you are in.

But if you cant do this, please came back here as many times as you want.That's why this site is so good for people on here know what a painful time you are going through and we will do all we can to help. Please keep in contact, Best wishes to you and your family, Brian

Hello Brian,

Thank you so much for your reply, and your kind words.  I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother, and wanted to say thank you for sharing some of your experience and grief in helping others (I saw you have written messages of support to many on here)

Your words about the impact on family, and how they have to juggle emotions with staying strong, really sum up how I feel at present - then there is the whole thing of feeling guilty that I am even thinking about how I feel or the impact on me, when this is about Mum.  But when you love someone so much, it's like you feel their pain and at the moment a lot of my anguish is because I would do anything to mean Mum does not have to go through this.

I have made a pledge today that I have to focus on the positives - I really do not know what the outcome will be, I have so many questions and have to work out the appropriate way of asking them without causing extra worry or pain for my parents.  I know pancreatic cancer is notoriously difficult to treat, let alone cure, but maybe Mum will be the exception -  someone has to be in that small percentage of survivors after all so why not her???!!!

But there are other positive things to do - I am currently planning how regularly I can get up to see my Mum (she lives over 3 hours away from us) and am thinking of things we can do, whilst all the time knowing that this has to fit in with her treatment and how she is feeling.  I just want to make sure I get the balance right between spending time with her, but respecting her feelings and wishes, and of course her need to spend time with others, or even alone.  I am sure this won't be easy, but want to focus on this right now.

I say again that I am lucky that I have a very close family (we are quite a small family, but those of us that there are have always been close) and they are all being brilliant in letting me talk - my brother is dealing with it in a  different way, but he lets me talk as much and as often as I need to.  And as for my husband, well I could go on and on about him, but suffice to say I am not sure where I would be without him.  But to know there is this forum, and to see how open, honest and supportive people will be here is a real blessing as well, and I will definitely be staying on touch over the next weeks and months.

Many thanks again, and all the very best to you as you continue to cope with your loss.

Hello Brian,

Thank you so much for your reply, and your kind words.  I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother, and wanted to say thank you for sharing some of your experience and grief in helping others (I saw you have written messages of support to many on here)

Your words about the impact on family, and how they have to juggle emotions with staying strong, really sum up how I feel at present - then there is the whole thing of feeling guilty that I am even thinking about how I feel or the impact on me, when this is about Mum.  But when you love someone so much, it's like you feel their pain and at the moment a lot of my anguish is because I would do anything to mean Mum does not have to go through this.

I have made a pledge today that I have to focus on the positives - I really do not know what the outcome will be, I have so many questions and have to work out the appropriate way of asking them without causing extra worry or pain for my parents.  I know pancreatic cancer is notoriously difficult to treat, let alone cure, but maybe Mum will be the exception -  someone has to be in that small percentage of survivors after all so why not her???!!!

But there are other positive things to do - I am currently planning how regularly I can get up to see my Mum (she lives over 3 hours away from us) and am thinking of things we can do, whilst all the time knowing that this has to fit in with her treatment and how she is feeling.  I just want to make sure I get the balance right between spending time with her, but respecting her feelings and wishes, and of course her need to spend time with others, or even alone.  I am sure this won't be easy, but want to focus on this right now.

I say again that I am lucky that I have a very close family (we are quite a small family, but those of us that there are have always been close) and they are all being brilliant in letting me talk - my brother is dealing with it in a  different way, but he lets me talk as much and as often as I need to.  And as for my husband, well I could go on and on about him, but suffice to say I am not sure where I would be without him.  But to know there is this forum, and to see how open, honest and supportive people will be here is a real blessing as well, and I will definitely be staying on touch over the next weeks and months.

Many thanks again, and all the very best to you as you continue to cope with your loss.

Ho CAE,

Thank you for your lovely reply. Your pledge to focus on the positives remind me of a lovely lady on here who write under the name of Angelinthemaking. If I remember right, she keeps a gratitude diary, where she writes down positive things that happen to her each day. Sometime we focus too much on what went wrong so I loved her idea.

I am glad Jules has also made contact with you as she is a lovely person and always manages to write so well. I like your positive attitude and I am sure this will be a great help to you over the next few months. Take care, Best wishes Brian.