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what self care do you do? I hit a wall today and feel frazzled, tearful and ill.

charlotte61

Hi, 

My husband has stage 4 lung cancer and is having immunotherapy as part of palliative care. the treatment and health care workers have all been wonderful and supportive. I am in my 60.s and am disabled and hoping to keep my husband at home . We have nurses in and out and someone from Marie Curie came and sat with him last week so i could have some time to myself- I used it to sleep. I am shattered and my own health isnt great. i can handle my autoimmune pain when i have slept ok but I feel i haven't slept in 4 months. I am comfort eating and comfort buying! I feel I have aged 20 years in this year alone. I hit a wall tonight and felt dizzy and ill with stress. I am hearing impaired and never really went out without my husband . you never really got one of us without the other. 

I need to see this thru. I live rurally and love it and know that with better weather i can sit in my garden myself and relax  and also get him into garden too. But tonight i just feel worn out with appointments, medicines , scans, therapies and so many people ( albeit lovely people ) in and out of the house. I feel bad saying that as I feel he is getting good treatment and that doesn't always seem the case for folk on here. I know it is just palliative care but i want to be my best every day for him and enjoy time . have others experienced this burn out?

Thank you. 

  • I'm so sorry you're feeling so tired and worn out Charlotte.

    Caring for someone with cancer, even with outside help, is still very tough, especially when you feel like you haven't been able to rest properly or have any time to yourself. I know it must be very difficult, but it's really important that you take care of yourself at this time as well. If you have any family and/or friends near by, don't be afraid to reach out to them as I'm sure they would want to help and support you in any way they can.

    I do hope you are feeling slightly better since writing everything down but if you ever want to talk things through with one of our cancer nurses, they're just a phone call away on 0808 800 4040, Monday - Friday between 9a.m - 5p.m.

    So many of our members know how challenging being a carer can be, so you are not alone, and I'm sure you will receive some tips and advice from the community soon.

    We're thinking of you Charlotte and sending all our strength and support your way.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    hi charlotte, i have experienced burn outs like this before and trust ms it gets better in the way that you dint crash out as much ir as bad ,my grandma had liver cancer and i was her carer and i would be staying up really late to make sure she was okay and that all her medications were taken and one day i had stayed up for 2days running her too all her appointments and i just passed out, but after that i realised that if i wanted her to feel happy and a bit better and myself too feel that way too id have to start working on my self as well so i started by asking a friend to come over and to sit with her while i took and bath or while i had a nap and it helped a lot so i started doing that once a week and honestly its not much but it makes a big difference and the help they were giving me by making sure she got her meds made me not worry as much. 

    i hope you take good care off yourself and hope your husband is doing good, and i hope i helped you with ideas.

  • Offline

    Hi Charlotte (apologies for any spelling errors as I’ve forgotten my glasses)

    I’m sorry to read that you are feeling this way and  wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My Dad has stage 4lung cancer,, (he is 70 and lives alone)since he became iill last year I have slept here at his over night and juggle my children and work during the day. . lI think we may be experiencing similar scenarios and feelings. it’s so painful watching our loved ones suffer 


    I struggled with self care as I thought I was being selfish so I too felt the exhaustion that you are talking about.  i now try to think of self care as being “self-ful” - it’s like a battery recharge, a car won’t run with no service or fuel and you can’t pour from empty cups. Now self care is a routine like brushing my teeth

    Can I ask if you get outside at all in daylight? Even if it’s only for 5 mins a day, I find getting outside - focussing on breathing, looking at what’s around me,, the garden, the sounds, the smells - is like an escape- this really helps my brain starts to run away with ‘what ifs’ and worry, It brings me back to the ‘here and now’ , ii used to spend too much time worrying about tomorrow, feeling sad about what  was in the past. All we have is here and now 

    Every morning and night I think of 3 things that I’m grateful for (coffee is always in those lists) - it might help to write them down - and I spend a couple of minutes focussing on these 3 things and feeling grateful for them

    I always have a jigsaw on the go here too - it’s a bit of an escape, especially when I’m feeling really scared. 

    Asking for help when I’m not ok (it’s ok not to be ok too) was a real hurdle to clamber but it gets easier, in fact I could kick myself for not doing this sooner. 

    My Dad isn’t having treatment and cancer has spread to his liver . His wish is to remain at home. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of madness sometimes when he’s having a bad day and find it helpful reading on here - the opposite of isolation is connection. 

    The Queen  used to say ‘this too shall pass’ - I find this helpful during really upsetting times 

    I hope the above helps you Charlotte. 

  • in reply to Moderator Steph

    Thank you so much for your reply. I had a marie Curie nurse last week for a few hours and I napped and felt a bit better.  I felt emotionally stronger and was coping with my knees pain and then i twisted my ankle. and need my walker again. I will mange. nurses are trying to get some carers help from council for him. I know we are lucky.

  • in reply to AllyHK

    Thank you. I agree with all you say including the coffee part lol. I intend to potter about in garden more now the weather is better. This year will be more about flowers and pleasure than growing veggies and fruit-that was jim's job to harvest. Keeping it real this year. I hope you get respite and am thankful for your encouraging words.

  • in reply to coyote78

    Thank you. your advice is truly helpful. I am trying to be kinder to myself xxx

  • Offline in reply to charlotte61

     Focusing on the flowers is a fab idea!
    I am going to pinch that and bring some flowers into the house to brighten up Dads lounge 

    thank you 

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