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Thought Times

Beewillsting
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Hi all I'm 57yrz poor health single parent to 3 children youngest is 11.    Looking for wisdom and thoughts please and it's all more than a bit overwhelmingly..........My 87yr old Mum was given terminal diagnosis 2 weeks ago such a shock.  and has now been moved to nursing home from hospital yesterday.

All That mum Is constantly asking is to go home.  Since Saturday mums refusing to eat or drink as she says she can't as feels sick.

mum has advanced liver and lung cancer is unsteady on her feet and very confused anxious but is now getting cross that she cannot go home.    She is on 1-2-1 care as has been trying to leave th hospital and now the nursing home.

I and feeling so guilty that she is not at home as she trusted me to look after her , and set up lasting power of attorney. I feel like I am letting her down.

 Big reason mum cannot  go home is a family member lived with her at home for most of their life and they themselves are going through chemo and have stated they cannot cope with mum dying at home.

But it's not their house it's mums .....my head is totally fried I'm not meeting  anyone a needs 

feeling like I'm letting mum down and not sure how I will ever be able to be sympathetic to family member if their  care needs increase and they then want me to care for them in the home when they denied that to my mother

 

 

 


 

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    Hi my opinion is its your mums house so she's every right to go there as long as she still has care in place and she's not a danger to anyone including herself,.

    If your relative cannot move out of the way they can help look after there mother, chemotherapy doesn't mean he or she can't do things for themselves and the mother ,if they have been living there alone and managing ok.  Houses have more than one room so a bit of rearrangement and a room each .remember that's my opinion hoping others will give you ideas. 

    Billy 

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    Hi there - I absolutely agree with Billy x

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    This feels like it could be a tricky one.

    The house is owned by your mother but there is another family member there who has been there most of his or her life and is currently undergoing chemo. How old is this family member, are they vulnerable beyond the chemo, are they either physically or mentally disabled ... that is not an exhaustive list of questions, but having someone come home to die can be traumatic. In a lot of circumstances someone who couldn't face being there might perhaps move out for short while, but if family member is on chemo and otherwise vulnerable that could be impractical or unreasonable.

    It does look as if there are competing needs here, so I personally cannot advise what to do, but wanted to flag up why this situation could be complex. There is just so much about this situation we don't know.

    There would also need to be a care plan in place for your mother as it sounds as if it would be asking too much for family member to look after her. If the family member on chemo feels that could place them at risk (re lots of people coming into house when they are immunocompromised), they may be allowed to override your mother coming back home on the grounds it would put them at risk. I'm not sure about this. But it seems possible to me that they could have a say.

    I do hope you manage to find some solution to it all that everyone can sign up to. But I don't think it's going to be easy. Good luck!

  • Offline in reply to RoseStarBlue

    Thank you for your responses- it is. Tricky one indeed.

     

    yes family member has mental health issues including ocd. They would never cope with having mum at home with all the carers coming I  and out the equipment needed and the change in their routines.

     

    I think I must just accept that I cannot fulfil mums wishes 

  • Offline in reply to Beewillsting

    I'm sorry your situation is so tough. It is clear you care a lot about your mum. This situation is not your fault and you must not feel any guilt. 

    As a single mother with health issues of your own you need to be kind to yourself. 

    I wonder if an organisation such as Carers UK might be able to help support you to manage this situation with your mother. I feel it would be good for you to have some support at this very difficult time. Also Maggies – they have drop-in centres but also a website and give support to families affected by cancer.

    https://www.maggies.org

    I hope your mother is able to settle better in the nursing home soon. Her behaviour is not uncommon and people can become more settled once the initial shock of a situation starts to subside.

    I'm not surprised that you find your situation overwhelming. There is so much for you to deal with.

    Sending good wishes to you, your mother and your family. xx

  • Offline in reply to RoseStarBlue

    Thank you RoseStarBlue - your are a kind wise person  I wish you well too

    who knew life could be so tough xxx

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