Cancer Research UK main site
  • Replies 10 replies
  • Views 4497 views
  • Users 0 members are here

Should I try for a baby when my mother has terminal cancer?

Sophie21
Offline

Hi there

Interested to know if anyone has been in a similar position or has any advice.

My mother has terminal cancer and we have no idea how long she has left. I'd guess under a year but it could be a couple of months, or over a year. Who knows. 

I am 29 and married, and wondering about accelerating our plans to start a family. In an ideal world both my mum and I would want for her to be around to have a grandchild and experience my pregnancy. It's quite likely that even if I get pregnant quickly she might not be around for the full journey. I'm wondering if it's better for her to experience part of the journey, than none of it at all?

On the one hand I feel like a baby can bring excitement and joy, and a distraction in the dark times. On the other hand I don't know if it'd just make things even harder for her, an extra thing for her to leave behind. Leaving her daughter pregnant or with a newborn could be heart breaking. Or it could give her some happiness knowing we have a new life on the way, and something for us to keep going for. 

All of this is on top of how I myself would cope? A first pregnancy, hormones, stress of seeing the decline of my mum, and potentially one day grief, could all prove too much? On the flip side it could give me purpose and a drive to keep going. 

If anyone has any similar experiences or advice I'd love to hear it.

Thank you. 

Parents
  • Offline

     

    Hi Sophie,

    A very warm welcome to our forum, although I am so sorry to hear the reason that you are here for. All I can do is to give you my feelings, if I was your mum. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 12 years and, I would be absolutely over the moon if my daughter were to fall pregnant. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a family. I have lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer and also a large number of other family members. 

    It is never easy caring for a loved one at end of life, but it is impossible to know in advance what their cancer journey will be like. This tends to be different with everyone. A pregnancy would certainly give your mum something to look forward to and something to live for. If she didn't mae it to the birth, this would be sad for you, but you would always live in the knowledge that you tried to make her a grandmother beforehand.

    If the worst came to the worst and she didn't last long enough to see the newest member of the next generation, you would be sad, but you would also be so infatuated with your new baby when it arrived, that this would give you a new little life to focus on. As a mum myself, I would want my daughter to have that little someone special to concentrate on once I am no longer here.

    I hope that you reach the best decision for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

Reply
  • Offline

     

    Hi Sophie,

    A very warm welcome to our forum, although I am so sorry to hear the reason that you are here for. All I can do is to give you my feelings, if I was your mum. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 12 years and, I would be absolutely over the moon if my daughter were to fall pregnant. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a family. I have lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer and also a large number of other family members. 

    It is never easy caring for a loved one at end of life, but it is impossible to know in advance what their cancer journey will be like. This tends to be different with everyone. A pregnancy would certainly give your mum something to look forward to and something to live for. If she didn't mae it to the birth, this would be sad for you, but you would always live in the knowledge that you tried to make her a grandmother beforehand.

    If the worst came to the worst and she didn't last long enough to see the newest member of the next generation, you would be sad, but you would also be so infatuated with your new baby when it arrived, that this would give you a new little life to focus on. As a mum myself, I would want my daughter to have that little someone special to concentrate on once I am no longer here.

    I hope that you reach the best decision for you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

Children

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.