Hello Bubbles,

I can completely relate. I have crippling health anxiety. Currently writing this from my bed as I've tried getting up this afternoon and felt so ill from.the anxiety that i decided my bed is my safe place! Ive recently been given an urgent 2 week referral too. I found a lump in one breast which is very painful but wasnt too worried..at the time! As soon as my doctor felt my other breast and found another lump I didn't know i had, I immediately went into shut down mode! Barely eaten in the three days since. Not even thirsty. I feel frozen with fear and imagining all sorts (hair loss, death etc!). Im already scared if death and now i just feel debilitated and desperate. Ive tried borrowing some money to book privately but ironically, they're all closed at the weekend, which has made me feel worse. My mum died of ovarian cancer but no ine else in my family has Cancer history so im trying to calm down but instead my brain is on overdrive.

Feel so scared and alone. 

Im thinking of you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. Hugs x

Hi Danni your not alone lovely. I’ve been the same in bed unable to get up. Literally crippled with fear. It’s debilitating isn’t it  I would call them Monday to be asked to go on the cancellation list. I’m going to call back too. Let’s try and help each other get through the wait. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, the trauma of that won’t help your anxiety either. Sending you so much love xxx

you are right Vickie, in the old days you could get into private the same week, now they are operating at around 3-4 week wait as everyone is going to them as can’t be seen on the NHs. It’s a scary old time. I’m going to have to use a credit card but I can’t wait like this. Not having a good morning as I have this weird internal itching in the same boob if I lean on it or put any pressure on it. Can only think it’s the worst at the moment as it’s clearly not normal. :(

I’ve calculated what I can afford and then if it needs to go to further tests like biopsy then the credit card will make an appearance for me too. 
I was actually offered a same day appt when I called them last Wednesday but it put even more fear into me and I turned it down stupidly. I’m lucky I have a private hospital near me that has 4 breast specialists. 
I hear you about not having a good morning because it hurts(might be all my poking to see if I can feel exactly how big it is and what it feels like, because clearly dr Google has told me what to look for).. every new pain and ache sets me spiralling too as my mind goes into overdrive. Snapped at everyone so far this morning and I don’t mean to  
tomorrow is going to be a long day until my appt at 3:40pm, hopefully work will help keep me busy

x

Evening all,

Quick update..i received a letter via email re my hospital (NHS) appointment..not until March 20th. Ill be a shell of a woman by then. Barely coping now. Whilst Im extremely grateful they've acted so quickly, im also more anxious now as ive found more lumps...they keep appearing and they're definitely lumps. Some painful, some not- queue more worry... I shall have to go to work at school tomorrow and so can't have my phone on but the minute I can, ill be calling every private hospital I can. 

Thinking of you for tomorrow , Vicki and hoping tye day passes quickly so you can hopefully get some answers.

Xx

Goodness Dannii that’s a long way off! Do you mind me asking where you are in the country, I’m in Herts and wondering how long the wait is around here, I’m guessing around 6 weeks. I’m so glad I kept my private appointment on the 13th

So sorry you’ve found more lumps too. Hopefully this means it’s more likely to be fibroadenoma

really hope you find a private appointment tomorrow x

Hi Bubbles,

I hope you're managing ok tonight. Im in Leeds. Tbh i was shocked it wasnt sooner. Ive been reading up on Fibroadenoma and all of it..cysts..lumps...all of it seems to read all the same..painful, not painful, oval, round, irregular, hard, soft... My mind has taken me to the worst possible outcome of course. This is going to eat away at me if i can't find a private clinic very soon. The NHS appointment was actually sooner than one private healthcare provider in Leeds, where I could look online for availability. All the other providers appear to be a phonecall booking system. 

Hugs x

Real *** day today. Just overwhelmed with the whole thing. I had a traumatic time in Dec with mum. She had a breast scare and thank god biopsy come back benign. I’m holding on this as I was beside myself back then and everything turned out fine. 

im holding on in there just about thank you bubbles. Hope your coping ok. 

Danni that’s such a long wait isn’t it :( get on to them tomorrow. 

Vicki- I hope your appointment goes well. Please let us know how you get on. 

sending love kitkat. You can get through this and we’re all here anytime. 
xx

Totally understand and cannot blame you... My mum passed from ovarian cancer (sorry if repeating myself a lot.. perimenopausal!!) and watching her go through that has been horrific. Our mums are our world aren't they? So December is absolutely bound to be a trigger for you... Let yourself be vulnerable and go with it... It's easy to drive yourself mad with worry and endless anxiety (feel like ive been shaking all day!). Remember you're not alone and take comfort in knowing you have this space  to let rip!! Im so, so pleased your mum is well and was just a scare..try to take that on board as it might be the same for you too. Hold on to that :) 

Hugs xx

Thank you danni. I’m really trying to hold on to that to keep me going. im so sorry to hear about your mum. I can’t comprehend the pain you felt and still probably feel. Since that time I’ve had a fear of loosing loved ones and convinced myself I have something wrong with me. I’ve had multiple tests for other things which were all ok. In this time frame I convinced myself I had all sorts. I went multiple times about my boobs and all examinations were fine. Went again last Thursday and that’s when she mentioned about a thickening. My partner god love him paid for me to have an ultrasound and she said I had a harmless swollen node (I’ve got a viral thing atm) and a small fibroadenoma and still go to clinic. In my head I’ve got something awful that’s spread. I know I sound absolutely ridiculous as I had this scan but I know in my heart they’d have to biopsy to confirm and scared they’ll find something else. Sorry I’m rambling now lol xx

You're absolutely not rambling at all! Amd thank you..ive had a hard time losing people too..mum eas first.. step dad had leukemia but didn't tell anyone, best friend died and my dad committed suicide. Had many years of Cbt, talk therapy, anxiety/panic disorder meds but years of health anxiety, just like yourself, means I'm a regular at my doctor's..i cringe every time im there but every time i go, to me, is valid as im convinced ive got something life-threatening.. again like you, tests, scans, bloods have more or less come out fine but it doesn't seem to stop me from worrying the next time! Im very pleased you have a lovely, understanding partner as i think it helps to have someone close to you that just gets you! He sounds very supportive. Im blessed that mine is the same.. feel awful if he pays for something but im desperate. You honestly don't sound ridiculous at all... It's your body and you only have one! Totally natural for you to keep looking out for yourself (fight or flight!) and definitely good that you're cautious. Xx

Oh danni you’ve had such a difficult time.you sound like your a real fighter and you should give yourself credit for everything you’ve been through you have found the strength to keep going. I’ve had every illness going these past few months and completely relate I cringe every time I go up. Hopefully everything goes positively at the clinic and I’ve told myself I’m not going to worry anymore. It’s hard because I worry about everybody’s health too. Mums got her follow up soon with the clinic and I’m worried about that. I’ve lost my grandparents which was hard as grandad was a father to me and nan had esophagal cancer and it was heartbreaking seeing her so poorly. My mum fell Ill years ago with imflammatory arthritis  and lost her mobility almost over night. It was heartbreaking seeing her loose her independence but I keep reminding myself that although she’s in pain it’s not a terminal diagnosis. It’s just hard to see when you want to take the pain away. I’m pleased you have a supportive partner too. It sounds like you have a great support network. My partners trying to be patient bless him. He’s a bit peeved as he spent all that money on my ultrasound and I’m still stressed xxx

Oh danni you’ve had such a difficult time.you sound like your a real fighter and you should give yourself credit for everything you’ve been through you have found the strength to keep going. I’ve had every illness going these past few months and completely relate I cringe every time I go up. Hopefully everything goes positively at the clinic and I’ve told myself I’m not going to worry anymore. It’s hard because I worry about everybody’s health too. Mums got her follow up soon with the clinic and I’m worried about that. I’ve lost my grandparents which was hard as grandad was a father to me and nan had esophagal cancer and it was heartbreaking seeing her so poorly. My mum fell Ill years ago with imflammatory arthritis  and lost her mobility almost over night. It was heartbreaking seeing her loose her independence but I keep reminding myself that although she’s in pain it’s not a terminal diagnosis. It’s just hard to see when you want to take the pain away. I’m pleased you have a supportive partner too. It sounds like you have a great support network. My partners trying to be patient bless him. He’s a bit peeved as he spent all that money on my ultrasound and I’m still stressed xxx

Hello ..so sorry for late reply...please remind me when your clinic appointment is? My brain is very foggy at the moment!! You really mustn't worry about worrying! No one could blame you.. it's an EXTREMELY worrying and stressful time in your life and no one can be strong, all of the time...So sorry to hear that you too have had so much loss and upset. Sometimes I dont know how some people get through day after day. I guess we just do?! It's no wonder you have so much angst on your shoulders but you must never apologise for feeling the way you do. Watching your mum suffering and finding life debilitating is bound to hard because you take on her pain as well. I think we always used to think of our parents as 'indestructible' when we were younger. My partner is about my only supportive network really, ive lost most of my family members and left my best friend back in Kent when i moved up North. It can definitely be a bit lonely. Work people can be lovely but i wouldn't offload much to them. 

Im sure your partner seems peeved but im betting he may also be very worried about you too? Men are or can be fab but they'll never understand us ladies or our bodies! 

Im feeling a bit off as i managed to find a clinic that will see me tomorrow. Expensive but im going out of my mind and ill just have to make do for however long it takes for me to pay it back. Tomorrow will be sickening at work in the morning. App at 2.45 xx

I’m so pleased your partners supportive danni. It’s been hard for you but it sounds like your partner helps to pick you back up. 

im so glad you have an appointment tomorrow! The waiting is horrific and something no one can understand. I felt this whilst waiting for mums biopsy results. She should have her follow up in a few weeks so hoping it’s still all good. 

I broke down big time this evening all I could think about was not being here anymore and never seeing my family again. I know I sound bonkers but in my head it all feels so real. 
my partner has paid for me to see a breast consultant tomorrow so she can properly see the images from my ultrasound and hopefully agree with the diagnosis. Just hope she doesn’t think different! My app is 3.30. Il be thinking of you tomorrow xxxxx

Good luck Nhj91 please let us know how you get on xx

I will thank you. Just responded about you not receiving your appointment that’s awful  x