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Worried about my dad

Positivewishing
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Hi

Feel a bit of a fraud as it's not me that has been diagnosed, and going through the experience of having cancer, but my dad and I'm really worried about him.

He has had pains in his lower side for a couple of years, after numerous tests he received the news that he had kidney cancer- this totally floored him and he shut down (understandable) . This was at the beginning of lockdown, so I haven't been able to see him in person since he was diagnosed.  I do feel guilty about not seeing him, but hes been self isolating due to his op, and I don't want to expose him to covid in the event my immediate family had it. 

He didnt want to talk about it, and is really quiet. I know people deal with things in different ways, and this is his way of dealing with it.  

He has had an op to remove the kidney in the last week,and is currently in a lot of pain. We are all hoping that they have managed to remove all the cancer and it's not spread. He wont find this out til end of November when he has his follow up appointment- the waiting is agonising as I'm sure everyone knows.

As he is recovering from this cancer, He was told yesterday that he has prostrate cancer, unconnected to kidney cancer. He is refusing the op for this which I would of thought the best option? He cant go through the pain of an op again. His choice but I'm scared hes giving up. Hes waited over a month for the results of these biopsies., and hes now acting like it hasnt happened. All the waiting each time is just torture and has a devastating effect on your mental health.

He just says hes ok, but how can he be? To be diagnosed with 2 types of unrelated cancers in the space of 5 months- I don't know how to help him. I'm really scared of losing him, and I've prob cried more than him. I'm an emotional wreck, whilst hes just shut down.

He is also waiting for an appointment to see if he has bone cancer, which his sister died of last year- I'm scared this will tip him over the edge and he'll lose any fight he still has.

Cancer just seems to be taking over his life, he cant face another diagnosis of cancer.

 

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    Hi,

    I wish there was something I could say that would help you. As you said, everyone has their own way of processing the news that they have cancer and you can only help him by acknowledging his way and being there for him when he needs you.
    if it's any help at all, my cancer was harder on my children than it was on me, so it may be that you are suffering more than him. What you see as having shut down may just be his way of accepting what's happened and going with the flow. 
    It is particularly hard for you at the moment because of the current situation and I wish you all the best for his recovery, don't forget people do recover!

     

    Christine x

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    Hi positivewishing .

    I'm not medically trained firstly just a cancer patient .

    I've prostate cancer that has gone to lymph nodes, spine, ribs, pelvis and a lung I was diagnosed in February 2016 ,its no good me having an operation, I'm just living with my uninvited guest .

    I'm on permanent hormone Therapy injections and just lately tablets as well , the hormone therapy gets rid of what the cancer needs to survive and feed on with me it never goes completely and treatment changes now and again but I'm keeping positive and fighting . I'm looking after my darling wife she has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's plus other things , she's nearly 14years older than me and I had to promise I'd look after her when she got old before she'd marry me that was nearly 50years ago and I'm sticking to My promise .

    Your father may be able to have hormone therapy, others have been cured with that and radiotherapy ,@woodworm .is one of them remember I'm not medically trained.

    Another who had his out @telemando is fine.

    Hoping your father will have some treatment, alot of times relative's are struggling more than the person with cancer

    Take care and keep positive.

    Billy. 

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    As the patient I'm acutely aware of how hard it is for loved ones. You're not a fraud. Your worries are legit and I think it's even harder for loved ones to see this happening and feel powerless. 

    Now when I'm feeling low I loathe people being positive with me.... But.... I only have one kidney and manage just fine. stay hydrated. Prostate cancer I understand can be aggressive or most older men die of old age before it does. Do you know which type?

    Fingers crossed for bone cancer, I think that can be secondary to prostate.

    Whatever the outcome, the advice I give myself and try to live by is to stay present. Be there today, don't think of tomorrow of the ifs and maybes. When manage this those are my happiest days. Control what you can, the rest will happen regardless. You do not have to be strong everyday! Somedays I don't want to speak a word and I don't need to be talked out of that. Just know the next day may be different

    Love and hugs. You got this. He's lucky to have you x 

  • Offline in reply to Billygoatt

    Wishing all the best Billy. I imagine if there's is anything more heartbreaking than cancer it's alzeihmers. 

    My parents are married 48 years next month and we are blessed everyday with the love they have for each other. They say the best thing a father can ever do for his children is to love their mother and its certainly true with my parents. 

    I'm just so sorry that they are having to witness their children fighting cancer. I know they would both take every bit of it for us if they could love is our strength and the pain we feel is always worth it for the years of love

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