I have just been diagnosed with stage 4 secondary liver cancer. I felt I was in free fall whe I was told a few ago. I want to run but I can't.  We are a member of a club we do not want to be in and yet more that a third of people will get cancer. It's terrifying. I'm finding hard it to be the sick one too. I'm the fixer and doer in my family and I can't get used to not being that person any more. 

I wish you good luck with treatment. I also find Maggie's centre invaluable for counseling at the moment they have save me a few times ️

Hello 747, my heart goes out to you, I can feel the free fall you are feeling. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I wish you the strength to bear this without such anguish and hope you find the support you need. x

Morning both

Sooo happy, at meeting yesterday onc agreed (though it wasn't her preferred option) to put me back on my chemo bff, EC, no more hurry feet...yay!

So have the chemo scheduled for Thurs and then final one 27th Dec...the countdown is on.

I went crazy and had a tonic to celebrate (sad I know...).

Christine - your Joey sounds like me, gets great pleasure from annoying those who its easy to get a rise from (generally southern drivers in my case).  By the sounds of those naughty dogs am hoping the little table is quite a tall one.

We nearly had a mouse incident here last night which involved me setting the hoover onto the cat to get him to drop the mouse, my challenge was then what if its still alive and goes under the furniture, luckily (??) it had already met its maker....the dilemma is then which bin for a dead mouse (food, general or recycling)?  Decisions, decisions...

So Caroline what awaits you now?  Are you in any rush to go back to work FT?  Are you like me and are (sort of) evaluating options, the cancer having bought some well needed perspective to your life?  Am actually in the office today and am looking forward to seeking my colleagues and chatting all day, days in the office are my least productive time.  Glad to know you're still loitering despite being in the land of the free (!!), how you doing on the tamoxifen then?

So got a pal from York joining me for tomorrow's session which as its not the evil paclitaxel will be shorter but will involve more meds and the injections but still far better than foot-gate, they're still getting better very slowly and now feel like the time post pins & needles and still can't wear some footwear comfortably (and have an Imelda Marcos collection that needs wearing).

Hope your advent calendars are proving bountiful.  The cats have one each (I wouldn't waste money on the little critters, blame my mother) though they're not enamoured by the "treats" whilst I have (as am spoilt) a herbal tea one (how do they manage 24 different flavours, love Pukka) and a Sara Miller one full of body goodies with no nasty chemicals (though far too much packaging!)...never happy and so ungrateful!

Right better get my falsies on - just eyelashes so far!  Eyebrows are at 20% capacity and eyelashes a little more.  So I don't feel (or look) like a drag queen have given them a serious trim so don't look quite as bonkers as I could.  RuPaul will not be enlisting me any time soon am glad to report.

Have fun ladies...but not too much as will feel vvv jealous X

Hi Sam, 

oh that is good news! Chemo must be tough enough as it is without another extra side effects to worry about!

i am off up to York this weekend on a girlie, Christmas shopping weekend so hoping my tiredness doesn't stop me from having fun! 
I only work part time - I do 4 days a week, 5 hours a day so haven't had to stop working at all. In fact I did have to keep telling my line manager that I would probably be sitting still more at work than I would at home.

i have started the tamoxifen - took the dip on Sunday. I've decided to take them before bed. So I am 4 days in. Luckily no side effects yet but I am so exhausted by the time I go to bed, I am sleeping through the night sweats ( something I was already familiar with). My GP won't give me a repeat subscription just yet as will want to know how I'm getting on first. Fingers crossed I don't get any side effects!! 
My lovely hubby got me an advent calendar too - a gin one!! I am stock piling them to take on the train journey to York!! 

Good to hear you are rocking the the false lashes!! I find them like wearing spiders on my eyes!! 
Christine - how are you doing?

Caroline xx

Hi Ladies,

Well done, Sam, for getting your chemo changed and well done Caroline for biting the bullet and starting the Tamoxifen. I hope you both do well on them. 

Yes, Sam, the budgie table is the height of the dining table, so too high for Archie to reach the bird cage from the floor. 

I'm still waiting for my oncology appointment - I'm expecting the kids to get on my case about it but they haven't said anything yet. I got the letter today, that the nurse sent to my GP in which she called my questions about the value of further treatment versus the side effects at my age "very valid". I think that has consoled the son and daughter somewhat, knowing she didn't think I was going gaga!

I think you'll find York to be very busy, Caroline.  We went, at this time, a few years ago and couldn't get in for lunch anywhere, so sat in the market square eating hot takeaway food. Have fun!!

i still have done nothing about Christmas apart from making my cards  I am seriously thinking the decorations might stay in their boxes, this year. I'll put the tree up but that might be the sum total of my efforts. My daughter never decorates although she works on getting presents for dozens of people all year long. I usually get together a big hamper for my son and his partner, starting in September - I think I'll have to try Fortnum's this year. 

Christine xxx

Hope you are ok Christine? Your message doesn't sound as light hearted and up beat as usual :| Give them a call re your appointment. Are you worried about it? 
Caroline xx

Hi Caroline,

I'm fine. I am confused about the delay in my next appointment after the express train that is cancer care at the beginning. I did call the nurses today and had a return call this afternoon. There was no appointment on the system so she rang the oncologist's secretary to chase it up. Hopefully I should hear from them by Monday or Tuesday, if not I am to ring again.

 It just seems strange as everyone I speak to has already seen their oncologist. Is it because I didn't just accept what I was told and dared to challenge, have I just fallen through the net or am I being paranoid?  I'm not worried, as such, but it does take up too much of my mental energy. I have a page full of questions to be answered, and until they are answered I can't make up my mind as to future treatment.  So the longer it takes, the more I think and read and listen to other people and their experiences.  It's a bit like that time at the beginning when you think you might   have cancer but are waiting for the results of all the tests, then once you know what's what and start doing something about it you can start thinking about something else.

I probably feel sorry for myself as I'm struggling to do much walking because my knee is very painful at the moment, so I'm not getting out with the dogs as much as I would like and I still have Christmas shopping to do.  Hopefully I will get some of that done tomorrow. The good news is I am reading again.  Reading was all I wanted to do in the weeks before my diagnosis but since the first surgery I couldn't get into a book for love or money.  That has changed thanks to my daughter sending me a Janet Evanovitch's Stephanie Plum book.  I have followed the whole series and love them and this latest one was no exception  when I had finished that (in about 3.5 hours) I couldn't wait to charge my Kindle again so I could chose another book to read the next day.

i don't really feel down, I'm just not quite as up as usual. It was lovely of you to care.

Christine xxx

Caroline

Dead jealous about your shopping trip to York, haven't been up north as much as would have wanted this year and then the whole cancer malarkey made it more challenging, plus pals from round there have been coming to see me (which is great).  Will make amends when all done though and am planning to go up for a weekend in Jan pre surgery to get all my pals together and take them out for a thank you meal - that's one of my chores for the weekend to organise.

Well done for starting on the new meds, I hope you're still side effect free.  What stage of menopause were you before you started?  The reason I ask is that no-one seems to know if I am peri or post menopausal as did have night sweats etc for a bit but then it seemed to stop so not quite sure what to expect quite frankly.

My pal from York got the same gin advent calendar as you, makes the train journey that much more fun with some alcohol (and a good book) I find.

The eyelashes have good and bad days, they have a tendency to want to try & depart my face later in the day though no major crisis to date, usually its the inner side that's creating issues. I think I might be better using superglue I reckon. I decided that my poor eyesight (have reading specs) isn't helping so got a super magnifying mirror that is well scary...apparently I am no longer the fairest in the land at 5 x magnification!

Christine

I think putting the tree up is quite an effort ( I didn't even get that far last year, just couldn't be bothered).

Sorry you're feeling a bit down and I had a similar incident re appointment waiting, I managed to get it organised myself in effect by calling the BCN enquiringly when it was likely to be- its the appointment with surgeon that I'm progressing and it sounds like you've done the same re the onc appointment, it just needs doing sometime I think as unfortunately these places & people are just way too busy, doesn't help us does it?  Hey ho.

And I think the challenge couldn't be the reason why you're not being seen, particularly given my recent feet challenge I strongly believe that its great to challenge and more people should do as they may get more suitable treatments rather than a one size fits all program.  Its also pants your knee is also giving you jip, that's like my feet preventing me from doing what I want so know how you feel, it really does affect your quality of life.  Strangely the same pal from York has duff knees and there's no surgery that can fix just manage through exercise and physiology exercises but needs devoted time (something she is on short supply of).  Anyway hope your onc appointment day confirmation arrives soon.  On the plus side if it is suggested and you agree its right for you I can attempt, and will be more than happy to answer your queries ( ball on other foot & all that).

Am jealous re your reading as still haven't got any further in my Lee Child in the past 3 months despite it taunting me from the kitchen surface, just can't concentrate or enjoy it anymore and this makes no sense.  And I blummin love reading like yourself.  The Steph Plum books sound interesting but not enough blood & serial killers for my liking (and luckily my liking is not for everyone).

Hope you both have a good weekend, its chores, planning and some early Sunday morning gymming for me while I have my good medicated EC days prior to potentially (though not very) rough week next week.

Sam X

Hi ladies, how is life treating you both? My tiredness is more intermittent now but I'm very emotional at the mo! Cry at the drop of a hat!! Just been told I need to take calcium and vit D tablets following my bone density scan. Don't seem be very reliable at taking my tamoxifen either! Think it's a bit of forgetfulness and then thinking "oh well".  Life is busy as usual. Finish work on Thursday then I've got 2 weeks off.  Hope everything is ok with you both? 
Caroline.  Xx

Caroline

Hi there, I'm similar and think its the impact or side effect of chemo, so emotional, its worrying as usually I am the least emotional person.  Also am feeling the cumulative impact of chemo very much this time, last week was a write off, just felt so tired with zero energy, and so wanted to get out & about on bike.

Count-down to last chemo now on, its on 27th Dec so am hoping will be back on some sort of form for a small Christmas feast.  My taste buds have also blinking well disappeared so have been trying to tantalise them, last attempt was tartiflette , did not work.  Am hoping a trip to my favourite indian tomorrow will do the trick.

Got my appointment with surgeon tomorrow so have a long list of questions and will find out surgery date so things progressing well on that front, also off to chiropodist Weds as feet still pants with peripheral neuropathy, its very slowly improving so am hoping the chiropodist can help with the annoyance...going through quite a lot of Vicks vaporub so surprising I feel I have a cold coming on (not sure if I should be worried??).

Also had bad news at weekend, a pal with stage 4 lung cancer took a turn and was admitted for end of life stuff, morphine, damp sponge on lips & all that, sounds absolutely barbaric that they can't just help things along for the sake of the person & their family.  Anyway she's in a much better place now thankfully no matter what one believes.

Can't believe its blummin' Christmas next week, am just hoping that I have some energy, did however invest in some lovely jimjams as suspect during surgery & rads will be spending a fair amount of time in them.

I will also have to take oestrogen tablets at end of this palaver. Already take what you've been advised for same reason ( I have crohns that affects bones too), not sure my bones will be able to take more onslaught to them! And more emotion too, well that's just great eh?

Enjoy your 2 weeks off, hope you're doing something fabby...

Christine 

Hope life is treating you well and that you sorted your oncologist and your knee is better.

X

Hi ladies,

You both sound to be going through it at the moment. I think our period of grace has come to an end.  You have my deepest sympathy with what you are going through. Hopefully the surgery shouldn't be as horrible as your chemo, Sam. 

I have finally got my appointment to see he oncologist - this Thursday, and an hour later I should be measured up for my permanent falsie, however, yesterday I had to have 750mls of lymph fluid drained off my non boob as it had filled up and felt like a tyre full of air about to burst.  The nurse said if it isn't as flat as it is now, by Thursday, I should postpone the measuring up, as it would not be a correct fit.

My knee is a nightmare, exacerbated by having to walk half a mile to pick up my car from the garage last week, then having to walk miles through car parks and corridors at the hospital yesterday due to no spaces then a broken lift.  Today I had a phone call from the NHS physio service and got an appointment for an assessment - on Feb 17th!  I belong to Benenden and have only used them once, so I phoned them and they have booked me a telephone assessment with a qualified physiotherapist for tomorrow morning and a guarantee that I would get a face to face appointment if deemed necessary as soon as possible  It may be that I only need guided exercises to do at home, but targeted ones, not just the general ones I have been doing with no effect.

Had dramatic weekend after Archie tried to eat himself to death by munching his way through a kilo of bird suet pellets, then  finding himself a nice juicy toxic grape. I had to drive him to the emergency vet 26 miles away at 1 o'clock in the morning on Friday 13th . With the dark and teeming rain it took me an hour of driving round to find the place. At the time I only knew about the grape, it was an X-ray later in the day that showed up the bird food, after his stomach started swelling.  Eventually he had to have it washed out to remove what was in the stomach itself then medicine to make him poo the rest out!!!  He was kept in until 7pm Saturday and has seemed ok since then.  He is going for a checkup in about an hour. He seems very well in himself, apparently stuffing himself with the bird food protected him from the damage the grape could have done if it had been ingested rather than thrown up.

i will let you know what transpires from my meeting with the oncologist, 

Christine xx

Christine,

Whilst it’s great to hear from you sorry to hear of your ongoing challenges.  It just seems to be one thing after another!  You must be tired and I hope you get some respite soon.

You know my thoughts on drains so your tale of the 750mls makes my feet go even more tender…luckily feet are on a turn for the better the last few days.  Am actually not too bad, maybe I’m just laying on too thickly, although that said I was thickening it up big time as composed a mail to the CEO of the hospital where am being treated to challenge their apparent policy re not using ports for having contrast during MRIs…told him I would be “terrified” (!!) over Christmas at the thought of another unnecessary cannulation in Jan..Don’t think I’ve been terrified of anything other than hard work…

How’s the contacting others re hormone tablets going?

Let us know what the oncologist has to say, I do hope there’s no further treatment as you’ve been through quite a lot already and there’s still quite a lot ongoing.  My surgery will be fine, am feeling good at the thought (despite all the drain shenanigans…think that’s the chemo equivalent of having to inject self, not something I’d choose to do but needs must) although found out yesterday (mess up at hospital apparently) that not seeing surgeon later today as it needs to be after MRI in Jan,...so now 15th Jan, by which time will have probably doubled the 26 questions I already have – serves them right!

Good luck with your falsie, given I will be reconstructed (all be it delayed) I would have thought that I won’t get one and will have a more temporary affair (sock in a bra stylie?).

I can’t believe given your knee you walked so far, why didn’t your generally over-protective offspring come to your rescue?  There when you don’t need them and not there when you do, kids eh? (actually they sound more like Nanny McFee).  Glad you’re taking advantage of your private medical as mid Feb is ridiculous, better all-round the option you’ve taken I believe.

And obviously you need the extra challenge of your dog, so glad he’s ok but what a daft (and greedy!) dog, I bet that was a cheap procedure too eh? Over the years have spent small fortunes on the daft animals I’ve had but wouldn’t have it any other way.  I also did not know that grapes were toxic for dogs, as I was reading I was expecting tales of chocolate given time of year so a more healthy option was a surprise.  You’re both lucky that you noticed as easy for things to go unnoticed until things get more serious, you must be relieved,  And I do hope that the birds are not planning their revenge…reminds me I’d better top up the feeders for the , generally, sparrows, but also goldfinches, parakeets (they’re everywhere down here and are gluttons), starlings and less so a woodpecker (great spotted) – what do you get visiting (apart from the naughty Archie of course)?

Where are you spending Christmas? I do hope somebody is feeding and spoiling you as cooking with a dodgy knee is not the greatest – and that’s from someone who would never entertain cooking Christmas dinner for anyone!  I’ll always be a hanger-onner in that respect, the poor ever-suffering boyfriend will be waiting on me hand & foot, just still annoyed that won’t be quaffing as much fizz as I physically can…I will however make up in my planned-to-be-extremely-moist January (when hopefully taste buds are back in town). Can’t believe Christmas is next week. I’ve just got the wrapping to do now (they all end up looking like fish & chip offerings) which allows one of the cats to continually attack the wrapping paper – oh its great fun (for the cat!), I’ll do it whilst watching Elf (favourite festive film) and given heightened emotions will have tissues at the ready, don’t want to produce papier mache after all.  My mother is coming up from Southampton to join the Christmas day fun (!!??) and will be accompanying my on my last chemo (still a big yay) 27th…unfortunately this may mean that she stays with me for 3 days, this will be a challenging time to say the least, I’ve bought her Ben Stokes book of summer cricket nonsense (I’ll never get it) and Eric Idle’s biography (she love Monty Python) so hopefully those will keep her occupied…if not will resort to being ill!

Please do keep your chin up.  Annoying positivity still abounds here I’m afraid.

Sam X

Christine,

Whilst it’s great to hear from you sorry to hear of your ongoing challenges.  It just seems to be one thing after another!  You must be tired and I hope you get some respite soon.

You know my thoughts on drains so your tale of the 750mls makes my feet go even more tender…luckily feet are on a turn for the better the last few days.  Am actually not too bad, maybe I’m just laying on too thickly, although that said I was thickening it up big time as composed a mail to the CEO of the hospital where am being treated to challenge their apparent policy re not using ports for having contrast during MRIs…told him I would be “terrified” (!!) over Christmas at the thought of another unnecessary cannulation in Jan..Don’t think I’ve been terrified of anything other than hard work…

How’s the contacting others re hormone tablets going?

Let us know what the oncologist has to say, I do hope there’s no further treatment as you’ve been through quite a lot already and there’s still quite a lot ongoing.  My surgery will be fine, am feeling good at the thought (despite all the drain shenanigans…think that’s the chemo equivalent of having to inject self, not something I’d choose to do but needs must) although found out yesterday (mess up at hospital apparently) that not seeing surgeon later today as it needs to be after MRI in Jan,...so now 15th Jan, by which time will have probably doubled the 26 questions I already have – serves them right!

Good luck with your falsie, given I will be reconstructed (all be it delayed) I would have thought that I won’t get one and will have a more temporary affair (sock in a bra stylie?).

I can’t believe given your knee you walked so far, why didn’t your generally over-protective offspring come to your rescue?  There when you don’t need them and not there when you do, kids eh? (actually they sound more like Nanny McFee).  Glad you’re taking advantage of your private medical as mid Feb is ridiculous, better all-round the option you’ve taken I believe.

And obviously you need the extra challenge of your dog, so glad he’s ok but what a daft (and greedy!) dog, I bet that was a cheap procedure too eh? Over the years have spent small fortunes on the daft animals I’ve had but wouldn’t have it any other way.  I also did not know that grapes were toxic for dogs, as I was reading I was expecting tales of chocolate given time of year so a more healthy option was a surprise.  You’re both lucky that you noticed as easy for things to go unnoticed until things get more serious, you must be relieved,  And I do hope that the birds are not planning their revenge…reminds me I’d better top up the feeders for the , generally, sparrows, but also goldfinches, parakeets (they’re everywhere down here and are gluttons), starlings and less so a woodpecker (great spotted) – what do you get visiting (apart from the naughty Archie of course)?

Where are you spending Christmas? I do hope somebody is feeding and spoiling you as cooking with a dodgy knee is not the greatest – and that’s from someone who would never entertain cooking Christmas dinner for anyone!  I’ll always be a hanger-onner in that respect, the poor ever-suffering boyfriend will be waiting on me hand & foot, just still annoyed that won’t be quaffing as much fizz as I physically can…I will however make up in my planned-to-be-extremely-moist January (when hopefully taste buds are back in town). Can’t believe Christmas is next week. I’ve just got the wrapping to do now (they all end up looking like fish & chip offerings) which allows one of the cats to continually attack the wrapping paper – oh its great fun (for the cat!), I’ll do it whilst watching Elf (favourite festive film) and given heightened emotions will have tissues at the ready, don’t want to produce papier mache after all.  My mother is coming up from Southampton to join the Christmas day fun (!!??) and will be accompanying my on my last chemo (still a big yay) 27th…unfortunately this may mean that she stays with me for 3 days, this will be a challenging time to say the least, I’ve bought her Ben Stokes book of summer cricket nonsense (I’ll never get it) and Eric Idle’s biography (she love Monty Python) so hopefully those will keep her occupied…if not will resort to being ill!

Please do keep your chin up.  Annoying positivity still abounds here I’m afraid.

Sam X