Hello,

Your McMillan nurse sounds like the one who wanted so desperately to be sympathetic to me. I think we might be in the minority, judging from the lack of fun conversations at the breast clinic. 

I've just read your bio, no wonder you are so strong. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you should go in for Iron Man you've had so much strengthening in your life.  I haven't read any of your other posts so forgive me if I'm being redundant in asking how are you now?  

Christine

Hi Caroline,

It's funny, isn't it how the waiting goes from being a frustration at the beginning of your cancer journey, all that time before you get results, to being a blessed period of normality amid the turmoil of appointments and tests. I am really looking forward to my three weeks of normal life before the next step.

i finally got to take my dog for a walk alone today. My daughter has been coming twice a day to walk him, but yesterday she allowed me to accompany them to the park where I enjoyed a lovely stroll in the open air. So today I was allowed out on my own!  Normality!! I will be glad when people see me as normal again,instead of giving me the "You're amazing,  so strong etc etc"

i wouldn't worry that you are getting too easy a cancer ride, you had to go back for a second surgery - that is not easy!!

I'm glad your boys are taking it in their stride, My son is much more relaxed now than he was before, but he and his sister still gang up on me to make sure I don't overdo things.

Good luck with your radiotherapy- I think you are wise to hold off on the Tamoxifen until afterwards. 

Christine xx

Christine,

Sorry for delayed response, been being busy and feeling a bit rough (nothing too dire).

I know what you mean re having the security of a professional to tell you things are healing well, I never quite know what looks good/bad and will tend to assume the former which has luckily worked so far!  Am quite British in that respect, don't want to make a fuss, am sure things that may be a little bit bad will go away on their own etc.

God, I hadn't even thought of phantom breast pains...strange but understandable.

Even before cancer I always got the poor delivery driver to put stuff where I could easily move it from..the poor men, I then proceeded to chat to them for far too long, I always get the impression that they're treated like servants down here rather than humans.

It is getting a bit late for mowing (I say that as I can't be bothered to mow mine) and I believe that some growth will help the lawn and wildlife (in my mind anyway).

Your tumour was bigger than expected?  How can that be if they've done scans etc that show and allow measurement?  This cancer lark can be soooo confusing. Just as well you went for the mastectomy indeed.

Sorry you have to have a further op on the nodes, what a hassle and one op is more than enough eh? But that's why they take a sample of nodes when doing the mastectomy its just a pity they'll have to remove more.

Glad your new softie is made to measure...that is good news.

8th Nov is around when I have my next MRI to check chemo is doing its thing so hope we both have good news.

I too will have to have hormone tablets for 5/10 years after radiology as am ER+, its years of fun to look forward to isn't it??

I've had a university pal over from Ireland since Thursday, been really good to see her, she's just got back from Canada where she was seeing another of her friends who has stage 4 lung cancer so deffo consider myself lucky and I am, not surprisingly, sooo much more active, healthy looking..the Canadian is not taking it well and veers between talk of fight & death.

Anyhoo had a lovely time catching up and went for a lovely stroll to Beachy Head yesterday, always wanted to go and the views were stunning,  luckily no-one was pushed or strayed too close to the edge..might have been a different story had the boyfriend been with me. 

Glad you managed to get out for a stroll, I too was tired after yesterdays exertions but more mentally than physically. And you are now permitted to walk the dog alone...hey, well done you!!  It must be good to sense a semblance of normality.  I most enjoyed my 3rd week post chemo no. 2 as that's the time I felt best and most normal since beginning so am hoping that this wk 3, which is next week is the same.

Am glad your family have stopped being so over protective too.  That would drive me nuts and cause many heated discussions.

Had an unexpected trip to hospital Thursday as have developed a really spotty head and was worried as when had a really spotty face last this was followed by the trip into hospital, luckily bloods etc showed everything was fine.  Just need to wait for my spotty, itchy, sore head to clear up now,  This chemo just keeps on giving!  Again people at the hospital were so lovely.

And had to chortle earlier this week as got an email from here telling me off for swearing, am obviously not disguising it well enough but also felt a little sad, mainly for others, as these forums are a way for people to vent and quite often venting involves bad language. However will have to be a reformed character now before I get thrown off for good I guess.

Hope your weekend was a good one and recovery is progressing well.  Am just having a leisurely Sunday here and intend to watch a fair amount of tosh (not $%I^^%!!) that have recorded later on.

Sam X

Hi Sam & Christine,

Sam, you getting told off for swearing has made me chuckle as I have quite a potty mouth!!! 
I was previously on a FB group for breast cancer but left after 2 weeks as there seemed to be quite a few negative people, who were focussed on the bad and while I understand we are all on different journeys, I'm not a negative person so found it was too difficult to handle. But saying that I've been very weepy this week. Not sure if it's just my hormones/age or the realisation that I haven't actually finished my journey yet (which in my head I had!). I have taken tomorrow off work and am going to London with a friend! Feel a bit naughty!! I think you are both tackling this amazingly, especially having to go through chemo. I am sure you get the comments from friends about being amazing, brave etc. And I know we are just getting on as that's what you have to do but I know that's not everyone copes. Cancer is a scary word but only if you allow it to be. 
Hope you have both had a lovely 'normal' weekend! And hope next week is kind too.

Caroline xx

Hi Sam,

Told off for swearing??? When you've got cancer??? I think that's one situation where swearing is completely effing acceptable!

Apparently phantom breast pain is a thing.  There's even a leaflet about it. Who knew?

My tumour being larger than expected is not unusual with the lobular kind. The surgeon said it doesn't present as a lump, more like a layer, and that's what it felt like to me when I first noticed it, like a layer of thickening under the skin. 

I am again trying to address each point you make as I get to it. Only because I feel really guilty if I seem to ignore something when I've just really forgotten it by the time I've got to the end.

Is there any chance your chemo will shrink your tumour enough to avoid surgery or am I being a cockeyed optimist? I don't envy you the MRI scans, though. For something that is painless I find them a real pain!!!  And yes! Years and years of treatment just makes it  more boring than necessary,  Not that I follow the "alternative treatment"  gurus. I firmly believe with all the money that has gone into research into breast cancer that they have a pretty good idea about what they are doing. I've got a friend who gleefully told me that she is following an alternative practitioner for her lymphoma, and it breaks my heart but she is convinced it is better than traditional therapies.  Who am I to make her feel bad by saying she's wrong? It's more difficult to deal with someone else's cancer than your own, I think.

Sorry to hear about the spotty head, an itchy head on top of everything else! Oh Joy!

It's really nice to catch up with friends, one of the silver linings to the cancer cloud is people making an effort to come and see me. Glad there were no slip ups or should I say downfalls, at Beachy Head!!!

I'm also glad the kids have relaxed a bit, but I don't expect it to last. My son is already talking about staying with me after the next op, to make sure I don't do more than I should.  I've managed to convince them that I should be doing much more walking to get fit, but today I bumped into one of my neighbours who has been away for the last two weeks, so she was eager to find out how I was doing, and the first thing she said when I said I was going for more surgery was that she would walk the dog for me! Honestly that is the least strenuous thing I do, why can't people offer to do my garden for me, get it ready for winter?

i have had a nice, normal, weekend, thank you, watched some rubbish tv, including some stuff I'd recorded that wasn't worth watching.  Strangely, I haven't wanted to read recently, although for the last few months that's all I wanted to do.

i hope your coming week 3 is an good one, 

Christine 

Hi Caroline,

You really struck a note with me about thinking you had finished your journey and then realising it is an ongoing thing. I felt exactly the same and last Thursday's news was a bummer! Will I get told off for saying bummer, do you think? 

I haven't looked at Facebook for a long time, I weaned myself off from it when I realised how much time I was wasting reading rubbish. I wasn't strong willed enough to filter what I read so I would look at thousands of sometimes nasty comments on something I wasn't interested in, usually political, just because someone I knew had commented and before I knew it, I had wasted three hours when I intended a quick glance.  I haven't deleted my account because I still use Messenger to communicate with some lovely people I only know through Facebook. I would feel the same way as you if I saw lots of negative posts. I find some of the posts on here to be very upsetting when I can feel someone's fear and heartache and I can't say anything to make them feel better.  It's definitely easier to deal with my own cancer than anyone else's. Thank goodness there are a few of us hardy souls who accept that we just have to make the best of things and get on with it! I salute you! 

Have a fabulous day in London!!!

Christine x

Caroline
I know what you mean, I'm on other forums too and whilst I am sure my cheery nature probably annoys some, I do find that those who are always moaning and can never find anything to be positive about are quite draining to others and aren't, I suspect, doing themselves any favours either.  I personally think my positive mental attitude is doing me, the cancer and hopefully others the world of good - not that my long suffering partner would agree (it just wears him down...mission accomplished!).

I have a strange relationship with facebook, have never joined any groups and am not even on under my real name!  I have the grand total of 11 "friends" some of whom are and some of whom aren't and am not sure I've ever liked anything...I mainly use it as a tool to stalk ex boyfriends now & then!  I'll not be joining any cancer groups thank you very much, yours & Christines reviews are more than enough to put me off plus there's just not the time in my busy schedule!

Social media and me are not good bedfellows unless you hadn't realised..do feel sorry for the poor youth however.

Its ok to be weepy, everyone does it at sometimes, for me its always when others cry, just can't help myself at their sadness.
London with a friend sounds like a good cure for all woes, I have a love/hate relationship with London.  Being a country gal at heart I can't stand all the unnecessary rushing around, excess of people and general ignorance that often is displayed widely however do like good restaurants, theatre, comedy, strange stuff to do etc..and London has a lot of those annoyingly! Don't think however I'll be venturing in soon as can't imagine the tube (and its contents) is sufficiently sanitary for my chemo impacted needs.  Closest I've been (live in Epsom) is Wimbledon on overground, far enough for now.  Intrigued to know what naughtiness was had in London however.... 

Whilst I am, obviously, amazing (if I could be bothered to fathom how to insert smiley face here I would) it does help that my side effects have been unremarkable, no nausea or sickness at all, so do consider myself very lucky indeed, even my 6 day stay in hospital felt fine after day 1! I just hope my run of good luck continues into the next chemo drug which may make blummin (let's hope that's acceptable language around these parts...) nails fall off..ha! 

This week is my fave week its my feeling 'normal' week, no feeling rough, no numb teeth (odd, I know) and bowels in good working order.  this is the week I feel like I can & should get out & about, been to gym today and bike ride Tues and will do something again at weekend (if the chemo doesn't get me the keep fit will).  I've agreed (as missed it this year, with good reason!) to do next years Blenheim 10k race so better start getting a wee bit fitter (i.e. Not a professional couch potato which I have been perfecting for the last 2 years).

Sam X
 

Hi Sam & Christine,

Good to hear that you are both being your "usual" up beat  BC gals. Sam - count down now!! Good to hear that the chemo hasn't been too awful an ordeal. Positive attitude see - think it helps!! 
Christine - you've hit the "normal" zone again - waiting for the next ordeal. I start my radiotherapy on the 7th, so the day before your op. I will have everything crossed that those shifty, crafty cancer cells haven't been causing trouble and don't mean you have to have chemo.
My day in London was odd!! I go up there quite often with friends. Might go up on a Saturday for an "unlimited Prosecco" afternoon tea etc and we usually make a proper day of enjoying ourselves! Monday I just wasn't feeling it. I went with an old friend but she likes shopping (I hate it with a passion!) so we spent far too much time in clothes shops for my liking. Had a lovely lunch with her parents, who I always love catching up with. But my heart wasn't in the day. I was glad when we came home. But I have come down with a grotty cold so that might not of helped. Headaches and tiredness. 
Lovely to hear from you both. Keep the positive pants pulled up - I am sure the end is waving a flag in the distance!! Xx

Caroline

C & C (!!)

All good here.

Poo you weren't feeling your London visit Caroline..however am sure there'll be plenty of other opportunities to savour not only the London but the presseco experience eh?

Hope your cold has buggered off (go on cancer research I dare you to tell me off for that...).

You two have got a lot going on early Nov haven't you?  Do hope all goes well.

The only cancer "excitement" I have in November is the move from drain cleaner (EC) to cillit bang (paclitaxel) which promises to be gentler, and have found EC to be so much better than many others, would however like to keep nails intact.

Bournemouth trip was very enjoyable, roads were soooo busy though so the journey took an hour more than it should have done..thanks the south! But beaches are lovely down there and always love a dose of fish (unlike the boyfriend who left most of his battered fish - that boy has no taste whatsoever and I include me in that!).

Blood taking and doctor chat later on today, always a good excuse to chat and amuse others...both in my top 10 so things I love.

Are you both bonfireing this week?  My northern mother (one of many...) is coming to see me this weekend so we're off out with other pals for an extravaganza - as long as its not busy should be fun.  I would however rather have the one that we used to have in the village where I grew up where you would hop on a tractor trailer and everyone would bring & share food, the firework were fun but not the £million ones of today and you could stay after watching the embers burn down and smoke fags with the other kids (we start early oop north!).

Off for a bike ride now, getting a wee bit chilly down here but not yet balaclava weather (its a look believe you me).

Have a good week both.

Sam X