Hi

My husband is a GP and a damn good one. I don't say this because he's my husband, I say it because we could wallpaper our home with thank you cards and letters from patients and the families of patients. He's a rare breed in that he genuinely cares for the patients of his that genuinely need his help. 

About a week ago he came to me concerned about a mass he thought was perhaps was in his bowel area. It's hard to examine yourself. He had his bloods done a day or so earlier as he does them yearly due to having gout. We eat a vegetarian diet, don't drink much alcohol and we lead a fairly regular life. We have no children except for our cats, Cali and Flea. 
 

Yesterday my husband had a CT from shoulders to knees to see what the mass was, where it was and all of that. At that point, while scared, my hubby was pretty sure it wasnn't cancer. Today, he received an email that was supposed to be between a urologist and my husband's GP but somehow, he was copied in on it. 

The email stated he has kidney cancer. As I lost my grandmother to kidney disease in 2002,my immediate reaction was and still is fear.  My husband had no desire to tell me over the phone and this stoic, very serious, dedicated GP of few words broke down and cried. 

My husband's cancer, so far as they know because he found out before any formal report was completed ( professional courtesy I guess... ) but the cancer has infiltrated the vena cava (I think I said that right) which I hear can make removing his tumor difficult. Added to this, while his tumor is of the right kidney, it it easily felt, and seen, from the front of his abdomen. Not metastises but...this tumor, of as yet unknown size (we're waiting for that report very impatiently)...anyway, I'm petriefied. And, as a person who doesn't access emotions easily, my husband seems very upset. Did I mention, my husband experiences random SVTs, an SVT being a type of ventricular tachacardia which he says is pretty uncomforable and painful. Becuase of his SVTs, he has been told he cannot donate blood. What does this mean for surgery????? 

Yesterday, we decided to escape the house and went to a movie and lunch, during lunch he asked how I felt. This is a trick question with him, anything I say will be misconstrued even though he wants to know. I told him honestly, having my dad so unwell with advanced Parkinson's back in America, and a husband with cancer here in the UK, I'm really freaking out. What if my dad gets sick and you're sick and I'm in between the two worst scenarios, the most important men in my life both in impossible predicaments. As predicted he took my answer personally, "you're just afraid you can't go see your dad, is that all you feel?".  But he forgot the beginning of my statement, that I'm scared to lose him, scared at what we DON'T know, that I know some of my fears are irrational and that we have spent so much time with other concerns, we've never had time for doing something purely for each other. His practice has only 2 1/2 GPs including himself for over 10,000 patients. Those not in the medical field may not understand just how few GPs are out there. So he's had no time off really, I go visit my dad three times a year becuase he is so sick, a respiratory infection could easily take his life. And we've had other issues as well so now, my husband has cancer. Where is this break we really need?  Married almost 8 years and still no honeymoon because of family and work related priorities. Now...now this. 

I think my post is really, really random and badly organized and I'm sorry, it's a bit like a written version of my mental state. All over the place.

I have so many questions and you'd think being a doctor I'd have some answers but he isn't a talker and doesn't like talking about things unless he wants to so I'm really without any support.Even my father in law, a retired surgeon, has hinted at me keeping my emotions a bit controlled for my husband's sake. That said, he and my mother in law, brother in law, brother in law's wife have all reached out to me to see if I need because they know this will be hard on us both. My husband's sister, who is all about herself, when my husband told her about his cancer, and she's the ward sister at the hospital where she works, said well, we're dealing with chicken pox. While that sucks, I had it as a kid and so did all of my friends. I'm really sorry her five year old has chicken pox, but her big brother has cancer and she's not offered a word of support. I'm trying not to be precious about that, but she's come around her brother when she's needed things....and I wish I could say it's becuase she's upset for him, she just is one of those people who feel entitled to their needs but not those of others. 

I'm rambling, perhaps just trying to put all of the feelings of a big over 48 hours into words. Hoping I make sense. 

Love and peace to all...:love:

Cari