Hi Liners. Welcome to the forum.

What you're going through is very common and it's all part of coming to terms with this shocking news. I think we've all felt some guilt about waiting too long, and you could paper a wall with all the what-ifs that went through my mind when I was diagnosed. But you didn't choose to have cancer (who does?) and this is nothing of your making, so guilt is inappropriate.

If it's any consolation, the scared feeling should ease off as the situation becomes clearer and treatment starts. Mind you, there will still be some terrifying moments along the way, particularly when you're waiting for the next set of results to come in. 

I won't deny that you're in for a rough time as treatment progresses, but keeping positive can really help. There are others here who are going through a similar process as you with neck cancer, and you should be able to share experiences.  This forum will be here for you along the way. Feel free to talk, shout and rant when you feel the need.

Hi Liners, Awful news. But as telemando suggested, you will start to feel better once you know what you are dealing with. I'm not a medic, but know that the MRI will allow the specialists to check for spread before performing biopsies and deciding on treatment. Here's hoping the MRI doesn't find any spread. And remember that you have not been formally diagnosed yet. It may still be benign, although that seems unlikely as the consultant has already told you he thinks it's cancer. Nevertheless, it is a rare cancer, if the primary indeed is a salivary gland cancer. And rare cancers increase the chance that the consultant might make a mistake. And lymph nodes can swell up in response to a tumour not because the cancer has spread to them, but because they are responding to infection caused by the tumour. So even if it is cancer, there is a chance it is still localized. So don't give up hope yet! xx Harry

Thank you telemando,

I am having a bit of a wobble! And I just can't talk to my family as I don't want to upset them and I also don't want sympathy!!!! It's the waiting in the dark hours in the stillness of the night which sends my mind into overdrive. I need to know but at the same time I don't want to!

now that I have found this chat site I feel a bit calmer, knowing there are lovely people out there who have an experience of this and who can give me answers and suggestions and help me cope with whatever is coming my way.

so thank you for replying.

Hi Harry2

Thank you for your reply and I now have my sensible head back!!!!! It's sunny outside and the darkness of the night has gone along with my dark mood! I'm trying to stay positive but the sledgehammer hit me with such force in the night, it was such a shock and I think the reality is just sinking in! But you are right, I still have hope and I am relatively well so am going to be positive no matter what! Well at least while the sun is shining haha!

thank you for listening and putting things in perspective.

Hi Liners

With respect, you're making a massive mistake by not telling your family.

It's a mistake that many newly diagnosed make, and most of them in retrospect later wish they'd played it differently. Your family deserve to know, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be for you to tell them, and the more upset they will be when they find out.  You aren't protecting them at all; you're sending the message that you don't need or trust them. How hurtful is that?  But they WILL find out, and they will be terribly upset when they do. 

Now, I can understand that you don't want to go through the same conversation 9 times!  So I suggest you tell your eldest child and ask him/her to contact those who live away from home with the message that you need to be left alone today, but they can contact you tomorrow.  You will need to tell your 15 year old yourself.

I promise you that you will feel a lot better when you've got the family behind you, and you aren't hiding a guilty secret.

FWIW, when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, as soon as I left the hospital after receiving the news, I phoned my sister and my friends to put them in the picture, and told them that it wasn't to be kept a secret.  The support from my friends, familyt and colleagues made a massive boost to my morale.

Remember: You Are Not Alone. 

Hello again Telemondo and Liners, Not sure I agree that you are making a massive mistake, Liners, by not telling your family, Liners, as you have already told your partner, who can give you support. They will have to know fairly soon, of course, but I can understand fully that you may be satisfied with only telling your partner until you have further information. This is what I did. I decided that I only wanted my wife to know, after receiving my cancer diagnosis, until I had all the information concerning extent, future treatment and prognosis. This worked for me. But everyone is different. 

Hi Liners.

I'm pleased that our advice was so helpful. I'm sure you've done the right thing. 

All the best (of course). 

Hi Liners, Very good. You clearly feel better so telling everyone was the right decision for you. Here's hoping for the best test results possible. xx Harry

First of all, please forgive me Liners, for barging into your post on a matter totally unconnected.  I just wanted to get a message to Harry2. 

Harry, I have had a lengthy email reply from the moderators about the charity post we discussed a couple of days ago and I wasn't sure whether they had sent it to you also.  If not, I can send it via the friend request.  Don't worry, I won't keep bothering you on it but just thought you would to see the text of the email.

Liners, thanks for facilitating my message and sorry for doing so.  Annie