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Been diagnosed, partner just lost dad & won't engage with me

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I found a lump two months back and was fairly sure it was something sinister, my partner wouldn't engage with me pre-diagnosis as his father was very sick and then he passed away. He wouldn't talk to me about it then and he won't talk to me about it now. Before I had my results he just asked me to wait unitl his fathers funeral was out of the way. After that we were apart for another week and nothing was discussed, then the news came. I expected the news that I got, my mum didn't want to believe it as I am 32 so she was in shock. My partner couldn't believe it and I had to tell him on the phone as he was still away. Since then he has barely spoken to me about it and all we do is argue on the phone. I can not stay here if he will not engage with me or support me. I feel worthless, like these past four and a half years were just one big lie. If I leave, I need to find somewhere to live. I will leave my dog. I will go through a break up. I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

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    Hello, and may I say how sorry I am to hear about your diagnosis and what you are going through.  I can understand how disappointed you feel that your boyfriend is not being supportive, but the fact is, he has just lost his father and he is grieving.  To lose a parent is one of the hardest losses we will ever go through, and quite frankly, I know you are undoubtedly feeling traumatised by your diagnosis, but surely you can see why your boyfriend is behaving the way he is can't you?  Not only is he having to deal with the pain of losing his dad, but he has now got to face the fact that you, his partner of 4 and a half years has cancer.  His mind and his emotions must be all over the place.  No-one can tell you whether to stay with your boyfriend or to leave him.........that must be your choice and yours alone..........a crisis either brings a couple closer together or it rips them apart.  Take care, I wish you all the best, Violet, x

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    Looking in from the outside, you are both hurting in different ways, but each doesn't negate the other's pain/grief. So it's not just a simple case of your partner being an uncaring person. He's dealing with things that would throw most people. You are dealing with something that would devastate a lot of people.

    Maybe seeking out someone at Maggies/Macmillan is an option for you at this given time? They're good for unloading your problems on. They will listen.

    As Violet said, no one can tell you to stay or leave the relationship, only you can make that choice, but before making any hasty decisions, your partner needs to listen to you and you to him in the absence of arguments. Even if that means involving a 3rd party (Maggies etc).

    You really are caught between a rock and a hard place because it's not just a case of one person is wrong and the other is right.

  • Offline in reply to Violetgirl

    Hi Violet, Thanks for your honest reply. I guess I needed to hear that. I do understand that he is really hurting and that his life has changed forever. However, I find it really tough that he hasn't been someone that I can talk to about my diagnosis. I guess these series of events have dredged up underlying issues in our relationship. I will try to be more understanding of his grief and sadness.

    I am in the process of trying to find us some counselling, it seems that he doesn't want to do this and most places don't recommend bereavement counselling this soon after loss (month and a half) but given the circumstances of my diagnosis our local service have offered couples counselling. I think it would be useful to talk about what it is going on. Especially as we have quite a complicated living arrangement. We live above a pub which offers little peace or privacy, something I have been struggling with for some time. I need his support to make this living arrangement work but in all honesty I don't see it working.

     

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    Hi ProfBaw, it helps to get someones opinion on the situation. I agree about finding someone else to talk to, I am in the process of arranging that. It really isn't the right time to be going through a breakup. I know I need to ride this out but it is hard to feel the same way I used to about someone who just shuts me out. Hopefully some time and counselling will help. 

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