My dad has terminal cancer and I don’t know how to cope

Hi, 

We found out today that my lovely dad has cancer. Incurable lung cancer at the top of his lung, which has spread to part of his liver, bone and a couple lymph nodes. The doctors have said that they can treat it but it isn't curable, they have expressed that chemo is an option and he has said he will have the chemo. 
I'm struggling to cope with the prospect of losing him, he is 57 and I am 24 and my sister is 26. He is our whole world. 
I'm seeking some comfort in knowing it hasn't spread to his other lung, but knowing it has spread elsewhere is devastating me. 
We don't know how much time he has, has anybody experienced similar diagnosis and know roughly how long they survived. 
He is very fit and healthy, he hasn't had any typical symptoms of cancer. No weight loss, appetite is fine, no weakness or cough or persistent infections/illnesses. 
His X-Ray was clear however his CT scan showed otherwise. 
I'm struggling to cope with this diagnosis and don't know if I can actually carry on if and when something happens to him. 
Sorry this post is all over the place, my heads a mess.

  • Hello Hannahlisa17, I thought I may be able to help you calm down just a little bit as I've been through this with my husband who was 70 years old when diagnosed with incurable lung cancer.  He was offered chemotherapy, radiotherapy and then immunotherapy, he accepted all the treatment offered to him and we had another five years together, with his daughters and our grandchildren.  Obviously Norman was older than your Dad and had other problems, like copd, he was an amputee as well so a lot going on.  So just take each day at a time, don't look ahead because you will start to panic, we just enjoyed each day as it came and as a Dad he was determined to not make his daughters miserable and your Dad will be the same with you.  I wrote a daily post on my Dor06 thread from the beginning and you will see that we still had a full and happy life doing what we wanted.  Ask Dad if he will give permission for you to be involved in his treatment and he will be allocated a McMillan nurse who you can ring and talk to about any worries or concerns you may have, they are very good and kind and will always give you a truthful answer.  Take care, Carol x 

  • Hi carol, 

    Thank you for your reply it is much appreciated and I'm happy to hear you had such a long time with your lovely husband. 
    The lung cancer specialists came and spoke to him and said how they will be treating him, and they are very confident in giving him treatment. I lost my grandad a few years ago to a brain tumour and from the get go they said chemo won't do much help (he chose not to and lived for 4 months after). 
    It's hard to not read all this information on the internet, some places say 6 months, others say a few years, others say weeks. It's hard and it's terrifying. I hope and pray I get as long with my lovely dad as you did your husband. Thank you, Hannah x

  • Stop reading Google, I did it once only and like you made my head a muddle.  Talk to those who know his case, no one else, then look to enjoying time with your Dad.  Xx

  • Hi i think carol said it all,no Google  and just take each day at a time . i was diagnosed Feb 2016 told uncurable , two years later palative care,i was told 5 years max over 6 years ago . I've prostate cancer gone to lymph nodes spine ribs pelvis and a lung managing ok still keeping positive and sure . still living with my univited guest . Permanent treatment sometimes hard but managing ok . 

    Keep sure. 

    Billy

     

  • Hi Billy. 
    Wow your story is incredible! It's so reassuring hearing that you have managed your diagnosis so long and I wish you all the best with your condition. 
    I think the hardest part is knowing he is in pain, the doctor said he has an abrasion on one of his ribs (he injured himself a few weeks back) and has said his pain may actually be from that. Apart from that he is well!! 
    Thank you for sharing your story with me 

    All the best, Hannah 

  • Hi there

    Sorry to hear this.  
    My dad also has lung cancer (Mesothelioma) which is a rare cancer caused my exposure to asbestos.  I'm only 33 so feel like I had many years of seeing my dad around my children, but today they said roughly there's a 1-1.5yr life expectancy.  Not sure how to deal with this information either.  He will start immunotherapy in the next few weeks.  Sorry no advice or help just to say your not alone in this journey and it's good to just get out and be able to speak to people in similar situations 

     

    x

  • Hi lovely,

    I'm sorry for not replying sooner. The last 24 hours have been up and down in my mood. 
    I'm sorry to hear about your dads diagnosis, I spoke to the lung specialist today and I expressed my concerns in regards to life expectancy due to reading on the internet people saying weeks/months. She reassured me that while it is incurable it is treatable and that the less than 6 months prognosis applies mostly to people who aren't receiving treatment. She also said that the prognosis' they give to us are not set in stone, so please don't worry too much to your 1-1.5year expectancy as she insisted people beat these all the time especially with the new technology and treatments available. 
     

    Please feel free to drop me a message any time, it's comforting (while still devastating for myself and yourself) that our family are not alone in this terrible time with similar diagnoses. 
     

    Take care, Hannah x

  • Hi Hannah

     

    Im sorry to hear what youre going through. My mum was diagnosed eith lung cancer november 2021. She had an operation and we were told that was it. In january she became unable to walk and we were told the cancer had metastisized to her hip skull and was growing back in her lung. She had radiotherapy but as she had been bedbound for 2 months lost muscle mass and is now unable to walk. She eas moved to a hospice and our hopes or chemo and immunotherapy were diminished. She is now having palliative care at home and has months to short weeks. She is 66 and just retired in september..im 31 and have two girls who adore her. I am struggling to come to terms with the prospect of her not being here...its so hard watching someone you love deterioriate. I wish i could go back and spend more quality time with her but now shes stuck in bed ehilst the cancer eats away. We cant enjoy any time anywhere. Try to spend as much time making lovely memories with your dad and make each day count thinking of you

  • Hi Hannah, 

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom, I can only imagine how devastated and hopeless you must feel. You can still make memories with your mom despite her being in palliative care. You can do her little pamper sessions, watch your favourite films, play games. I know they're not the memories you'd wish to have made with your lovely mom, but they are memories you will still cherish. I'm definitely going to make the most of the time I have with my dad, whether that be months or years. 
     

    Feel free to message any time if you need a chat x

  • Hello Hannah, 

    After reading your post there was no way I could not reply. 
    First of all I'm so so sorry to hear about your dad, I know just how much of a shock it can be! 
    My grandad (who raised me) was also diagnosed with stage 4 metastic lung cancer in 2019. At the time I was 29 and he was 71 - a very young and fit 71 too. His diagnosis was such a huge shock to us all. He only found out because of a swollen lymph node in his neck during his yearly flu jab! To this day he still doesn't have any 'lung cancer' signs or symptoms. I've personally never accepted the diagnosis, especially been so close to him and watching him go about his daily life. When folk see him they struggle to understand his diagnosis and expect to see a very poorly man. When we found out in November 2019 we were told without treatment he'd have 3-6 month to live. Another blow considering how well he was! Since his diagnosis he has experienced fluid around the heart twice (both times it could of killed him, but thankfully the fluid was caught and drained in good time)!! 
    He had 4 rounds of chemo and other than it making him a little bit unwell it worked well - all tumours significantly shrunk. Since then he has been receiving immunotherapy and I am delighted to say it's been amazing. Everything is stable and under control, the side effects are a lot less mean than the chemo and generally (other than getting tired more often) he's coping very well. 
    Please don't Google or let you mine run away with you. I've been down that rabbit hole and it's not a nice place to be. I am sending lots of positive love your way and I am praying for your dad. X