Hi Jacci,

I don't know how I coped or how any of us do, but I guess we really have no choice.  Like you, I was all my parents had (I'm an only child), so I carried on going through the motions of everything that you do when somebody is so ill.  I also have 2 sons aged 17 & 19, and they (plus hubby) were my rock and still are as I still have bad days coping with the roller-coaster of grief.  I'm sure this will also be an emotional time for your sons but I'm sure they will also be a great support to you.  I understand entirely your comment about wishing your Mum could be in an induced coma, it is beyond cruel watching those we love suffer.  I'm sure you've been told this before but try and take each day at a time and be kind to yourself, remember you can only do your best.  Hope x

Well last night was very very sad, all she is really doing now is moaning and talking to herself...its all poor me, why me, I have never done any harm to anyone...it is distressing to say the least. Mentally she is failing very fast but the morphine doesnt help Im sure.Physically she doeant seem to be in as much pain at all although she says she is.....but you can tell she isnt..I think she is getting reliant on the morphine...she has been on it now for at least 10 days or so.

Mum said a nurse came round to see her today talking about how she can manage at home....if they do send her home I will have to move in with her, I couldnt leave her on her own.

Anyway take care all.

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci,

I'm so sorry to hear how bad things are and I understand how distressing it is for you to witness.  It is difficult managing at home; I got my Dad home as was his wish and he died 3 days later, my Mum managed at home for 7 weeks but went to the Hospice the last day.  We had brilliant carers and district nurses, I didn't move in but was round there constantly.  Looking back I wished I'd moved in but I was trying to juggle so much and was actually terrified of watching the same cancer that had just taken my Dad take my Mum.  The Hospice care was amazing and was a much better environment than any hospital round here. I hope that they continue to control the pain for your Mum, I am sure they will; that was my only consolation that neither of my parents suffered too much pain.  Please take care of yourself and take support from others as much as you can.  I found this site a great help to me during my darkest days.  Sending you a virtual hug Hope x

Thanks Hope, well will see what today brings.....it is horrible just sitting there when she is saying things like why was I born etc. All I can do is be there for her I suppose. I just wish she would be more capable of having a conversation but if she does actually talk to me its to say things like...I dont know why I bought that new jacket...I wont be wearing it now.She doesnt know that the chances are there will be no treatment for her so Im dreading when they tell her that. She also doesnt like the nurses talking to me, one was talking to me last night just about the trains being bad and Mum statred groaning loudly as if in pain, when the nurse left she was fine!

Well I suppose we will have an appt soon once they know exactly what form of cancer we are looking at. Being selfish I am totally exhausted but was supposed to work on Sat morning and have cancelled that so hopefully can have a lie in then. Im finding I cant sleep at night but after 6 which is when I should be getting up I can sleep like a baby then! Did that this morning, woke up at 6, Hubby made me a drink and then woke up at 8.02, thank goodness my son was there so he could drive me in!

Take care,

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci

Really sounds like  you need to get some rest for yourself so hope you manage that lay in on Saturday.  Its so hard that 'normal'life has to go on hold.  Though my Mum is still around she is in residential care at present as there is no way she can look after herself (mobility and mental issues) and I am not in a position to look after her (like Hope am an only child too but have never had a great relationship with my Mum) and now my priority has to be my husband.  I am sure visiting every day is very tiring and it sounds like the morphine is causing her personality changes though to be fair the older I get my patience gets a bit thin at times!!  Hope now that your husband has explained the situation to your sons, they can offter you some comfort and support - sometimes just a hug and no words is enough to make me smile despite all that is going on.  Will hope that you have a better visit with your Mum today.Take care  Jules x

Aah Jacci, it is so hard for you.  You are right in saying all you can do is be there; even when we know somebody we love is very ill it still doesn't stop us getting a little frustrated by their ways.  When my Mum was in hospital she was so depressed, I used to go and see her all the time and she wouldn't hardly talk to me or if she did she would just repeat how she hated the hospital; so I sympathise with how your Mum is. I used to feel like my heart was breaking but somehow carried on. I have also had the "selfish feelings" but let me tell you, you are not selfish at all, we are only human and can only bear so much, but we tend to forget that.  You must have some time for yourself because it is exhausting going through this journey.  Sleep is a difficult one, I found my mind was either racing at 100mph and I couldn't sleep or I was so totally exhausted I couldn't wake.  I used to listen to a relaxation tape I had and found that helped a bit. Take care & keep in touch.  Hope x

Hi Jacci,

Hope you managed to get some well deserved sleep last night.  Regarding your hospital visit last night I think that medication together with the disease in general is probably causing the responses from your Mum. My Mum wasn't on a lot of medication but her memory (which was failing a little beforehand), got increasing worse with the illness.  I will never know how much of that was perhaps the onset of dementia, illness, grief, depression or a combination of all of them.  You are doing your very best for your Mum and that is all you can really do.  Do be kind to yourself and keep us updated on how things are going.  Hope x

Just had a phone call from hospital, Consultant wants to see me tomorrow at 1100 on Mums ward. They must have results so will be telling us tomorrow. Absolutely dreading it.

Take care,

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci

I see that lovely Hope has been keeping you in her thoughts.  She really understands the situation you find yourself in having been through so much herself.

I see too that you have an appointment with your Mum's consultant  tomorrow and can understand why you must be dreading what news this will bring especially as your Mum sounds like the medication she is on is making it difficult for things to make any sense to her.  My Dad rambled a lot of nonsence when on the morphine medication and its hard not to react at the time.  We used to talk it through after we left him to sleep. Sometimes our visits were minutes rather than hours, we just had to be guided by his mood/hospice staff recommendation and Mum got through endless cuppas along the way.  Please come and chat with your forum friends when you need to and am sending virtual hugs and will be thinking of you tomorrow as your continue your journey with Mum. It wont be easy to sleep I know but try and catch up when you can.  Jules xx