Hi Laurajs, 

I remember your previous post and story very well and thank you for coming back and writing this little update on your situation. First of all, the way he has been treating you in the latest examples you provided is totally unacceptable and well done for having the courage to take action and for speaking to the domestic abuse helpline as previously advised, your mental health team and your cancer nurse. You also did really well to tell your mum and dad and your mum is right that you need to escape as soon as possible as the emotional abuse you are experiencing is severe at a time when you are going through cancer treatment and you need all the love and support you can get. It's a shame that you are having to wait 6 weeks to be assigned a case worker but as you said at least you're on the list now so well done for getting in touch with them - it takes a lot of courage to do so. 

It's also an excellent idea to go and speak to Citizens Advice tomorrow and I am sure they will have some good suggestions for you. What you said is spot on though: one massive step is recognising that what you are experiencing is definitely abuse and that you will not tolerate this kind of attitude anymore. I was shocked to read that this man was trying to encourage you to kill yourself which really makes it urgent that you get out of there as soon as you can and it is safe for you and your children to do so. If you ever have these kinds of suicidal thoughts again, please ring the Samaritans helpline . They are here for you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and the free number to call is 116 123. I am so pleased to hear though that you have found this inner strength this week; you are an amazing person so do not listen to a single word he says, simply ignore whatever he says, do not listen to him and focus all your energy on finding a place to live where you can rebuild yourself with your children. 

Keep strong Laurajs and it's normal to be scared about the future and I hope that the next few weeks will lead to a good resolution where you can then focus on your health, on recovering both from the cancer but also from the traumatic experiences you have had. Rest assured you're not alone and we are right there by your side and you have lots of great forum buddies here who are there for you to support you and talk to you anytime you need to reach out during this difficult time. 

I will be thinking of you in the coming days and weeks. Help is at hand and I hope it all goes well tomorrow when you speak to citizens advice. 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Oh Laura's,

I echo everything Lucie has said. I feel so sad but also angry that you're going through cancer treatment and have to deal with this abuse as well. 

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but let me assure you, once you remove yourself from it, you can and will heal. You are a person worthy of love and respect and the strength you're dredging up is incredible.

Lots of love xxx

Hi Lucie , 

Thank you for responding to me it means so much to me, right now more than anything. 

I actually feel so proud of myself speaking out loud what has been going on because I’ve been dealing with this on my own for years but it has gotten a lot worse since I got diagnosed with cancer . For years I’ve thought ‘it’s me ‘ and that im the problem . For years I’ve been told I’m too sensitive and I’m miserable and a bad person . Even his mum said I’ve changed since I moved here (she lives next door ) and I’ve realised that’s because he’s made me feel so broken and worthless . I had an appointment with my mental health team (he hates me going to these ) and she asked me what I would do if my daughter told me somebody was doing all this to her ? It really was a wake up call for me . 

Whilst I’ve got this inner strength I’m going to try and do as much as I can the next few days firstly by speaking to citizens advice and see what help and support is available for me and my children . I’m also seeing my mental health team a lot more regularly as they want to give me extra support during this difficult period. 

My mum and dad have been in regular contact several times a day and my mum has started getting me stuff such as tea towels and bedding etc bless her ready for when I find somewhere . 

I also bought a torch today as I can’t sleep at the moment and normally i try reading a book or have a cup tea but he has been switching off the electric when he goes to sleep . 

I don’t know what’s happened but last few days the more insults he gives me and grief and makes things harder for me just makes me feel stronger inside . 

Anyway Thank you Lucie , I honestly will never forget your kindness x

Hi Boomer, 

Thank you for your reply , it’s nice to hear from you again . I have put a big reply up above but just wanted to say thank you for your support it really means the world to me right now xx

Hi Lucie , 

I hope you are ok? 

Just wanted to give you a little update since I last spoke to you . I managed to speak to citizens advice and they have made an appointment for me for next Wednesday to apply for a discretionary housing payment which will help cover my bond for a house . The lady was lovely she gave me a cuddle bless her . 

Unfortunately I havnt been feeling too good since Sunday , I was having shivers but sweating and a bad migraine and bad back ache . But I fought through it yesterday morning and made  myself get up to go to citizens advice . After my appointment I had a call with the steroid team at the hospital because they have been weaning me off my steroids . I mentioned I wasn’t feeling great and that my temp was 38. She advised me to contact my doctors for some antibiotics. I then had to go for some blood tests. I went home and had a little nap but when I woke up I had a rash all on my arms and legs . So I got a doctors appointment and was given antibiotics. Had hospital call me this morning re my scan on my lymph nodes on my neck and it booked for next Wednesday . Unfortunately this afternoon I had a call from my doctor and she said my blood teat results have come back showing very low WBC , neutrophil, lymphocyte, folate and eosinophil . Doctors advised me to ring the hospital and they advised to wait 24 hours on the antibiotics but if I don’t feel well after then they are going to reassess it . I’m worried sick now , I thought this last week or so I was getting stronger but this has just set me back.  I’ve been so poorly today and being sick and it’s been just me and my youngest all day . I also feel guilty because this time during the holidays should be fun for him not patting my back or fetching me water while im being sick . Terry has been out all day playing golf and then he came back for a clothes change and went straight back out . Place is like a pig sty and I just havnt got the energy to clean it , pots are piled up high, washing etc . Just feel like today is a massive set back is it normal for bloods to come back low like that? Also I just know they are going to stop my treatment now because they said if I get any more poorly they will have no choice but to stop it . Just feel worried sick about everything x