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Update

Laurajs
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Hi guys , 

I just wanted to give you all that have supported me an update on my situation as I last spoke to you in July . 

Wow where do I start …. First of all things at home havnt got better if anything they have got worse . One example of this is the other day when it was hot I put on a summer dress , this is first time I’ve got my legs out since my operation as I have bad scars now . His family were staying at the time and I walked out in my dress and his words were ‘ you should cover your legs up or you will scare the flies away ‘ this was in front of his whole family and they all started laughing . I got upset and his mum said I was being too sensitive and it was a joke . It wasn’t to me it hurt me more than you can imagine and still now 10 days later when I think of it it makes my eyes fill with tears . Another thing he’s doing is disappearing for hours on end , don’t know where he goes I havnt asked him . We havnt spoken properly since May . He walks past me and says things like ‘fat *** ‘ and ‘state of ya’ . I’ve stopped reacting because I’ve realised that when I react he then sits back and says ‘ you’re crazy , look at yourself’ etc etc . 

Anyway I built up the courage as advised to speak to domestic abuse and also my mental health team and my cancer nurse Mandy and last week I even told my mum and dad everything because he used to ring them behind my back and say things to them and then days later day things like ‘ I’ve spoke to your mum and dad and told them your out of control ‘ etc and that made me feel isolated. My mum in particular was very upset but the support they have both shown me had been amazing this last week . They said I need to get out of here asap . Unfortunately the domestic abuse hub in Doncaster has a 6 week wait waiting list to be assigned a caseworker but my name is on the list now . 

Tomorrow I am going to be speaking to citizens advice to see if they can advise me what I will be entitled to when I leave with my children . I am also looking at properties but due to finances etc I can’t just leave tomorrow . I have been advised they can put me in a hotel but that is not something I want to do for myself or my children . 

To be honest a massive step for me is acknowledging that what I’m experiencing is abuse because mostly it is not psychical . 

Also regarding my cancer my recent mri results on my head and neck have come back and they have found that my lymph nodes on my neck are swollen so I am having to have more scans etc to find out what’s going on . They have also paused my treatment for now as I got too poorly on it and I’m currently on steroids . Hopefully once I’m weaned off them I will know more of what the next steps are . Oh and last week I had to get more medication such as my steroids and my mental health medication because they was found in the bin ???? 

2 weeks ago I wrote a goodbye note to my mum and dad and also printed pictures from my phone of each of my kids with me and wrote each of their names on an envelope because that man was telling me to kill myself but then in the next sentence was telling me I havnt got the balls to do so . Can you believe that and I’m more mad I listened to him but this week I don’t know where it’s come from but I have found some strength. 

I’m so scared for the future and for the next few weeks especially. What with my cancer and finding somewhere else to live and finances etc but I can’t do this anymore with him . 

sorry for the long post but this is my update x

Parents
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    Hi Laurajs, 

    I remember your previous post and story very well and thank you for coming back and writing this little update on your situation. First of all, the way he has been treating you in the latest examples you provided is totally unacceptable and well done for having the courage to take action and for speaking to the domestic abuse helpline as previously advised, your mental health team and your cancer nurse. You also did really well to tell your mum and dad and your mum is right that you need to escape as soon as possible as the emotional abuse you are experiencing is severe at a time when you are going through cancer treatment and you need all the love and support you can get. It's a shame that you are having to wait 6 weeks to be assigned a case worker but as you said at least you're on the list now so well done for getting in touch with them - it takes a lot of courage to do so. 

    It's also an excellent idea to go and speak to Citizens Advice tomorrow and I am sure they will have some good suggestions for you. What you said is spot on though: one massive step is recognising that what you are experiencing is definitely abuse and that you will not tolerate this kind of attitude anymore. I was shocked to read that this man was trying to encourage you to kill yourself which really makes it urgent that you get out of there as soon as you can and it is safe for you and your children to do so. If you ever have these kinds of suicidal thoughts again, please ring the Samaritans helpline . They are here for you 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and the free number to call is 116 123. I am so pleased to hear though that you have found this inner strength this week; you are an amazing person so do not listen to a single word he says, simply ignore whatever he says, do not listen to him and focus all your energy on finding a place to live where you can rebuild yourself with your children. 

    Keep strong Laurajs and it's normal to be scared about the future and I hope that the next few weeks will lead to a good resolution where you can then focus on your health, on recovering both from the cancer but also from the traumatic experiences you have had. Rest assured you're not alone and we are right there by your side and you have lots of great forum buddies here who are there for you to support you and talk to you anytime you need to reach out during this difficult time. 

    I will be thinking of you in the coming days and weeks. Help is at hand and I hope it all goes well tomorrow when you speak to citizens advice. 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    Oh Laura's,

    I echo everything Lucie has said. I feel so sad but also angry that you're going through cancer treatment and have to deal with this abuse as well. 

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but let me assure you, once you remove yourself from it, you can and will heal. You are a person worthy of love and respect and the strength you're dredging up is incredible.

    Lots of love xxx

Reply
  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    Oh Laura's,

    I echo everything Lucie has said. I feel so sad but also angry that you're going through cancer treatment and have to deal with this abuse as well. 

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship but let me assure you, once you remove yourself from it, you can and will heal. You are a person worthy of love and respect and the strength you're dredging up is incredible.

    Lots of love xxx

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