Oh Billy,

What a torrid time your family have gone through! That sounds really tough on both you and Brenda. I'm so pleased that you and Brenda were able to keep giving Peter encouragement so that he not only made it out of his coma, but was able to have a family giving you grandchildren. I don't know if you still get to visit Peter or not. You and Brenda really haven't had an easy time of things at all. As for Brenda going back in time, well that's the cruelty of dementia. It is such a cruel thing. And you sticking by Brenda despite everything... It shows your love and what a caring person you are Billy. The important thing is that you still have the memories of all the good times that you and Brenda shared. Perhaps you should write some of your memories in a memory book for the grandchildren along with photos and any other ephemera you might have of things you and Brenda did together. Sometimes when shown photos and memorabilia it can jog people's memories – but I don't want to get your hopes up because it's possible some memories are gone for Brenda now, which is sad but that's what dementia does. You've been very strong dealing with all this Billy. I saw that you posted elsewhere about not being able to get to cancer chat coffee mornings. Could you maybe get a friend or acarer in once a month allowing you to go on your own? Just a thought. Or you can just keep talking to us all on here. As Chrissie says, you're amazing. Take care Billy. Love Rose xx

Hi Rose, alot of details about Brenda and my life together including photos old and new, stored ready for when needed, good job modern phones have plenty memory and can be expanded easily, I've a-plenty details on my old laptop xp and loads of older photos taken old photo albums. 

I've always tried to plan ahead even before cancer .

Nobody knows the future anything can happen. 

Hope your having a good wet day. 

Love Billy xxxx 

Hi Bily

You are well organised! Pleased you've got so many memories stored.

After days and days without rain we finally got a run of it so things should start greening up soon. Be good to see grass again. Pleased to see there's been even more rain overnight. Storms have been spectacular.

How are you doing back on the Enzalutamide Billy? Hope energy levels are bit better than they were and you've been able to get enough carers in to help you look after Brenda.

Take care Billy.

Love Rose xx

Morning Rose really glad you have plenty of rain finally. 

Hope you managed to sleep well with the weather even though its what you want..rain in night here as well. 

Night carers never turned up, i phoned up at 6,they were still arranging. They said 8latest, 8.15 i phoned again told they were on the way, 8.45 Brenda nearly asleep getting grumpy so phoned again told they should be there so i cancelled it gave Brenda strip wash, thought after shouldn't have cancelled wait to see if anyone turned up at all. 

Had a lay in this morning still dull here had Bella out cleaned commode. 

See what happens tonight!!!.

Hope you can get a quiet relaxing day. 

Love Billy xxxx 

That's awful about night carers... People with dementia really need routine so I totally get why you cancelled. Problem is if you cancel they think you can manage ... But it's an awful lot for you to be doing alone Billy, especially given the cancer.

Good you got a lie in this morning at least.

Hope carers come tonight!!

Take care Billy, Love Rose xx

Im definitely not cancelling tonight didn't think till later wonder if anyone actually coming after way we were mucked about yesterday. 

Still raining here. Just gentle. 

Morning carers sometimes come after 10 and noon carers 12 o'clock to 3. It's chaos, Brenda likes Morning strip wash as she gets sweaty .but 10 is lot to late so i do it. About 8.

Just thinking about brekky, might have hotdogs on bacon, boiled, im putting weight on over 11 stone now want it lower easier moving about. 

Love Billy xxxx 

Hi Billy, 

I thought my son had been lucky, having fairly light injuries from his motorbike accident.  Actually, it's worse than it first seemed, he has broken bones on his right side, too, but nothing compared to your Peter, how sad!

I think Brenda is even luckier than I previously thought.  You have been there for her for everything, happy and sad.  Nothing makes you more sad or happy than your children and losing them, as she lost her boys would  have been unbearable without you.  I don't think she really wants to be buried with her first husband. It's just the dementia speaking. If by some miracle, she could be herself without the dementia, she would be appalled to think she had asked to be buried with him. If there is an afterlife, where we meet up with our loved ones again, she won't be looking for him, she'll be looking for you! 
I don't think you have any obligation to bury her with him, she's your wife, you decide where she goes!

I am really hoping your meds can be sorted so you don't suffer from the side effects Thank you for giving us your life story, you've had to go through a lot in your lifetime. It says a lot about your strength that you haven't gone off the rails or taken to the bottle, instead you have given kind words  that have helped so many on here. 

Take care, my hero!

Christine xx

Hi Billy, I agree with everything Christine says. She's put it a lot better than I could. Hope carers all sorted now. Love Rose xx 

Cancer update.,yesterday morning spoke oncologist understudy, explained im struggling again no energy and soon puffing like an old locomotive after a few minutes doing anything even just walking, plenty of aches and pains. Made plenty of notes and passed on to main oncologist. 

Called me back mid afternoon told stop enzalutamide straight away and I'm getting booked in for urgent ct and bone scan. My july Cancer count was 5.6 Tuesdays blood test showed 9.7,so it's definitely coming back despite having meds. Im not to botherd yet last big bite was 65 two years ago. 

Just a question of waiting and having scans and finding someone to be with Brenda while im away especially bone could be away 6 hours. 

Any updates I'll try to remember to jot down. 

Take care my friends thinking of you. 

Love Billy xxxx