I have been fighting cancer and staying positive for 14 months. I was sick of travelling to the hospital for treatment. Life still had to continue as in that time my husband a dialysis patient continued his treatment, had a hospital stay which I was glad of at the time because he never sleeps. Between chemotherapy and radiotherapy he had a aortic valve replacement and although I was tired and was too tired to visit everyday. I managed everyother day with plenty of support from family and friends. 

I finished radiotherapy a week ago and although I have burns I have been doing pretty well. I considered how those around me would feel and decided to be honest with them but do my best to stay positive and listen to their fears and worries. 

Since last week a couple of incidents have happened that have really thrown me. My friend has decided to go to New York for a week and she contacted me because she was concerned about her young neighbours as the father of the young man was recieving chemo and contracted sepsis, sadly he passed away the other day from organ failure. The same day my ex sister in law contacted me asking me to tell the family that she had had a fall and hit her head and they have found a brain tumour. I feel because of my positivity they came to me for advice, which I feel at a loss to give. 

I have been dreaming of mother in law who passed away of lung cancer and in my dream I am telling her that we had buried her and she said she knew and couldn't fathom it out herself. My feelings of guilt are becoming more apparent since last week that I have survived through treatment and others haven't.. Has anyone have any advice because I feel for the first time of my life I am a victim of my own positivity and I cannot sleep at night now