Hi Billy and friends, Billy it must be hard to have tried to keep Bren in a straight line!!  The lady over the road from my Mum had one and she fell off it, drove into cars and within 48 hours it was taken off her.  Mum and I did laugh.  So yesterday my friend Val texted, did I want to go to the musical evening at the church, as I'd been alone all day I said that would be lovely, Vals husband died a year gone Christmas and she has struggled and when Norman died she just came and stood outside as we pulled up to the church, he caught covid in the same hospital as Norman so it wasn't a good death.  So I got there for 5.15pm as we have food and a glass of wine, then Helen joined us, now Helen was one of my lady magistrates and still treats me like a court usher, if I say black she says white, so not one of my favourite people!!  So we had a lovely chat, Vals daughter has had a heart attack and will never be the same again, so a lot going on for her.  So we all sat in a pew to join in with the singing and the children who had come to sign to us.  All was well until they sang a song that was played at Peters memorial, as the funeral was during covid, I didn't know this as I hadn't gone due to Norman being ill.  So she started sobbing, put her head on my shoulders and said Carol I've got an awful problem, I didn't get a chance to say anything as the lady singing the song came over and wrapped her arms around her, pushing me to one side, then Helen grabbed her and said to just sob until it was all out, me, I was left in stunned isolation, I was so upset as I'd been OK until then!  So over comes the new vicar David, who knows about hers and my loss, by then I'd stood up and was trying to climb over everyone to escape, are you alright Carol the vicar asks, I don't want to cry I say, for God's sake just let me get out!  Anyway a text comes and she says how sorry she was as she couldn't hold it together, I understand, many times I feel like my day has no meaning, I'm going through life by getting up, dressing well as that was how Norman knew me, eating because I have to or I will fade away, so I know what she is going through but I'm not going to break down in front of others, it's not my way.  Anyway, update on complaint, seeing a solicitor Friday this week.  Take care, Carol x 

Dear Carol, Brenda was ok usual driving scooter just she forgot to stop and few times bashed into back of me then she started driving slower and getting unsure but she drove for 9 months weekly with me but she was nervous about going out, then she had uti and wouldn't go out, im keeping my eyes out for a legal two seater so we can go out together, Brenda would love that with me driving and her giving orders. 

.hope your gallivanting is improving. 

Love Billy xxxx 

Dear Billy, a bicycle made for two, that's a love song!  Yes I'm doing OK although my eye keeps giving me problems I don't need especially during hospital inspection because it's so hot on the wards so they dry out too quickly.  Yesterday went well but it's awful to see young girls starving themselves to death when other girls don't have enough food to eat.  We also visited the Ministry of Defence ward and one veteran had done a whole mural of his tank, him sat on it as a gunner and anything else entwined with the forces, it was stunning and as he'd been an inpatient even more inspiring.  I managed to eat some food which was very tasty, minced beef, mash and sticky toffee pudding and custard, so no cooking when I arrived home.  A busy day today, put all the summer stuff in the loft, swept up millions of leaves, been and had my car washed and valeted, took it to get tyres checked, went to the tip and now sat on the sofa with a blanket as it's bitterly cold but that heating is not going on! Off too the pictures tomorrow.  Take care, Carol x 

Hi Carol, Billy, Rose etc etc

I have just caught up with the most recent messages.  I'm like you, Carol, I would hate to break down in public.  I'm the one that usually has someone's head on my shoulders with the poor soul sobbing her heart out about whatever's causing her breakdown.  Having said that, the first time I ever had to face something like that was when my father was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.  I didn't cry but I would pin people to the wall talking about it. Then a year later my mother, this time lung cancer, diagnosed two years after giving up a life time of smoking. Still didn't cry, well, not in public. However, there were two occasions when my guard came down, they were both at my father's funeral, only ten weeks after that first diagnosis, The first crack in my shield was at the entrance to our church, we were standing inside waiting for the undertakers to bring the coffin in. I was expecting them to bring it in on a trolly to wheel up the aisle, but when the door opened my uncle, nephews and cousins were carrying him on their shoulders, then I saw my uncle, who wasn't quite as tall as the others, and he was struggling, at the same moment, my wonderful son who had been looking after me and my mother, just stepped forward as they passed us and got in line behind my uncle and just lifted the weight enough to relieve him without lifting the coffin from his shoulders. That did it, mum too, so my tears had to disappear quickly to help her. The next time they came was at the cemetery. My brother in law who was a just-retired army major, had been given permission to wear his uniform for the funeral and as the coffin was being lowered into the grave, he just stood at the foot and saluted.  It's even bringing tears to my eyes now, while writing about it, we all cracked then, but he maintained his position until the priest had thrown in the handful of earth and we females threw in roses. Then my brother in law stood to attention, did an about turn and marched away, so no one could see his emotions.  It should be said that he went out that night and got drunk!  Everyone has their own way of dealing with their emotions.

You have been busy, lately.  Me too, but unintentionally. Yesterday, I decided I was going to get started on my painting.  I have three commissions to do by Christmas, all dog portraits and I wanted to get on with them.  I had already drawn two of them and had coloured one.  When painting a dog I graph out the image from a photograph, colour it in using coloured pencils, so I know I have the likeness down, then it's just a case of painting an acrylic base then a final layer or two of oil paint to give the richness of texture that I like to make.  As I came round a table to the easel I knocked over a jar of some liquid, I presumed water.  I have a large plastic woven mat on the floor of my little studio because I have ruined the carpet by dropping fully loaded paint brushes as I work.(I'm a messy artist) and I can clean the mat at the end of each session. The liquid was pouring through the mat into the carpet below, so I had to roll it up and clean up! That involved moving easels, tables, chairs, stereo, printer and a metal shelf unit full of books and papers and unsuccessful paintings. Some I was able to place around the edge of the room, others had to be dragged out into the hall.  Believe it or not, there was absolutely no sign of the spilt liquid on the carpet, it had actually been white spirit and in the time it had taken me to clear the floor, it had evaporated. So then everything had to go back.  But no! Christine decides to change things round.. I ended up storing some things in the summer house until I can get to the tip, and a drop leaf table went against the wall, behind a chair in the living room, but that meant the vibration board that had been hiding behind the chair had to go somewhere. It has ended up under my bed. Then I had to rearrange the furniture in the living room, to make everything look right after the new addition. I ended up, four hours later with a sparkling clean studio, comfortable and cosy living room, a bemused dog and an exhausted and somewhat bemused self, wondering how the devil did I end up doing so much work? Then, as I was telling my daughter about it, and showing the results via FaceTime, she said, "That's not much different from before!"  I could have screamed!

Billy, I hope Brenda gets her confidence back on the scooter, she was doing so well before she went in to hospital. A tandem sounds great, or maybe one with a double seat like they used to have at the seaside with pedals. You could fit a motor.  I don't think they actually make them any more, perhaps you should invent one and call it the Brenmobile! Lol.

I had to go into town today to get my photo taken for my driving license that needs renewing this year.  I tried to do it online, but I couldn't give them a passport number because I let it lapse after it expired, because my dog was allowed to be run over while I was on holiday in Greece. They next told me that I couldn't continue with the online application because they needed to link up with the passport office to get my photo so I needed to get a form and photo and post it. I tried to produce a passport sized photo with my iPhone, and did well, took a selfie, got it down to passport size, then my new all singing and all dancing printer that my son bought me for Christmas couldn't print on my Kodak photo paper! Anyway, I left Archie with a licky mat coated with peanut butter and set off in the pouring rain for the Post Office.  I called in to see my friend for a chat, which we both enjoyed, convincing each other that our memory lapses weren't a sign we were getting Alzheimer's. I do feel much happier for that conversation because I have been a bit worried about losing words in the middle of a conversation. I know how many syllables the word has, I know how it rhymes but the word eludes me for hours before popping back into my mind as if it had never played hide and seek.  We were both exchanging such similar experiences, and she said everyone she knows at our age is the same, so I felt a bit happier when I left. I went to the post office and paid six pounds for four passport sized photos, that were a lot more flattering than the last one on my licence. I borrowed a pair of scissors from the young lady behind the counter and posted off the application.  She insisted I needed to send off my old licence, which I did, although I didn't see anything about that in the instructions. I then popped into my daughter's best friend's restaurant just to say hello.  As I was leaving, I was invited to their home for Christmas Day, as we did last year.  I thanked her for that and also thanked her for my future personal care that my daughter said was going to be delivered by her.  She laughed her head off and said, "Oh Yes, I've been told!" That's not quite "It's been arranged!" that I was told by my daughter!

Hope you've managed to stay the course and got to the end of this missive, massive missive, I should say!

Take care

Christine xx

Hi Carol, just a quickie,

When my daughter lost her little Smudge, the day before coming down with a bad dose of Covid, she felt as bereft as you do.  She couldn't even think of getting another dog, Smudge had been her constant and only companion for over ten years and the bond between them was amazing.  As the weeks went on, I persuaded her that she needed another dog. She eventually agreed to go for a puppy.  Puppies being what they are, Bobbin is sometimes too energetic and too eager to play than she feels up to, but when he runs out of energy and climbs up to sleep on her chest, with his little warm body snuggled into her she says all is well with her world. He sleeps with her at night, too and she wakes up every morning to what you experienced with Zippy and it starts her day off right.

Just saying!

Christine xx

I know!!  But my not being tied to staying home is stronger. Just saying!!! 

Hi guys, sorry my posts are taking longer but I seem to be a lot more busy which in my book is a good thing.  My new table and chairs arrived, Norman would have loved them. Mary came for coffee and cake Monday but she is not well and just gave me a headache with her cough. I know that sounds mean but I had it so much when Norman had his that I now struggle to hear one.  Mind she has piled the weight on but being a good friend I said nothing but she tells me she is losing weight because of her cough.  How much I ask her, two pounds she says seriously!!  Try losing a husband that certainly knocks the weight off you without trying.  Tuesday a hospital visit, dementia menand women's wards, it went really well and one old gentleman who had his regimental beret on waved me over and showed me a photo of himself marching at a remembrance service 20 years ago, he looked so smart and I said so, he saluted me and I saluted back, don't worry the staff said if it hadn't been right he would have let you know.  I understand we look at everything but I also think we should interact with the residents.  Anyway apparently I'm definitely going to be used by the Trust in future as I'm doing well.  Today was ballet, we did a small dance to the Sugar Plum Fairy music. I'm really getting it now and some lovely ladies go as well.  Today Margaret came for coffee and cake but I was stressed as I'd received a new budget plan for gas and electric for £300 per month, I've spent an hour on the phone sorting it out, so much for a smart meter.  Tonight I'm out for a joint birthday meal, Christine and me, Florence is coming as well.  I'm 74 on Monday, my first birthday without Norman since 1967, so Margaret is taking me out for lunch.  So I hope all is going well for you all, take care, Carol x 

Hi dear Carol .

Glad you're keeping busy and putting people in their places, and saluting properly .   Brenda is very good and plenty bossy still. She's worried about me so not telling her to much, my cancer has spread in my spine started having pain called oncologist and explained about my working days and back problems but they said its definitely cancer and im having RT tomorrow morning, blood test Tuesday and oncology face to face next Friday, things moving quickly makes change. 

Hope things keep going well for you. 

Love Billy xxxx 

Dear Billy, just come home after a lovely night out I was being chatted up by the quiz master so that cheered me up, obviously still got it, whatever it is!!  I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer spreading, back pain is not nice and you have so much to deal wit.  Please let me know what happens when you have your scan.  Take care of yourself and your gorgeous Bren, you have each other and that is good.  Xx