Thank you for all your good wishes and love.  A doctor finally rang me last night after six days of silence.  Tomorrow they are having a MDT meeting to discuss all the bloods and scans and the way forward, she evn mentioned sending him home with oxygen, I nearly fell off my seat, What do they mean?  Lisa rang and said she had rang him and he couldnt talk as he had an oxygen mask on and was not allowed to take it off, so that upset her, we all felt it was the beginning of the end.  Then this morning he rang me, he could talk and breathe at the same time, it was wonderful he said to feel able to take a breath without thinking about it.  Could I please buy him some pull on trousers as he can't stand long enough to do his up.  So off to Next Lisa and I went and then drove to the hospital to drop them off at the ward.  I've just spoken to him and he is happy with them.  The doctors been now been to see him and is happier with his breathing and his heart rate has settled down, so now we wait until tomorrow for an action plan.  The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions and tears and not knowing what to do or how to plan, Faye was going to drive home many a day and we've had tears over that, Lisa is now home alone and Harry and Tugs have gone to Surrey.  He still has a funeral to arrange for his Mum and Harry is back at school.  Life goes on no matter what is happening and we have to think of the broader picture, Norman may well make it home, please God he does, but how will we cope, how will I cope?  He will have to accept help on my behalf and discussions must be held.  Love to you all, Carol x x

Dear carol . When Brenda was in hospital I was hoping to look after her full time myself then realized the way we both were I couldn't do it 24/7, without a break now and again , hope you can manage ok,.

It's possible hospital might get in touch with social services about carer if you ask them . never know with covid.

When Brenda was in hospital,we got a visit before she went home about care , they were actually at our house before we got through the door, everything arranged by them . We have changed things since to suit us better.

Hope Norman has improved .

Thinking of you take care keep positive.

Love Billy xxxx

Oh hunny, just popped on and read your threads ... I know looking back on my hardest times, I kept in mind the words from the "footprints in the sand" poem .... when things got so hard to bear and there was only one set of footprints in the sand ... it was then he carried us ... x I'm not very religious but live in hope there is someone up there who does carry us in these times ... x

My thoughts are with you ... and think there's lots of us sending you vertual hugs and strength right now .. take care buddy ... Chrissie x x 

Dear Carol,

I am so pleased that Norman has, once again, proven to be a fighter. I really hope this continues. I feel you are going to have even more ups and downs in the future and your caption "stay strong" will be more relevant than ever. 
You will have the good wishes of all your many followers who, like me, would love to be a physical support.  Like Chriss, I am not religious but find some of the things we were taught in our earlier lives can be a comfort.
love and best wishes

Christine xxx

Today has not been good.  The meeting never happened so without my knowledge Norman saw the consultant this morning who told him they could do no more but send him home.  I had gone to the cottage and I called Sophie our McMillan nurse and told her what had been said.  My conversation with Norman was horrendous as he couldn't hear me well and ended up yelling at me that he was basically kaput and it was the end.  So this is what we have come to in five years of care and love the terrible news has to be told in a phone call.  A care package will be put in place and he will come home.  I know him well and told Sophie she had better let him know that because he would not be happy.  I drove home, rang Faye who obviously is very distressed and then other relatives before ringing Norman back, I'm eating my tea he tells me, I'll l call you back!  We then have the conversation about him coming home and the minute the care package was mentioned he got angry, so another important conversation on the phone, I had to tell him he accepted it or he didn't come home, he backed down, I just want to come home and see you and my girls he said, cancer has a lot to answer for, Hell on earth comes to mind, it's not an easy road that lies ahead, a slow death whilst the cancer treks through his body.  How anyone without a good family and friend base copes, I have no idea.  But I'm lucky, everyone is there to help, we just need to ask and I will.  Everyone says I'm brave but I'm not, falling apart is not what gets us through this, love and support, that's what will get me through.  Thank you for all the love sent my way, its much appreciated and writing this down clears my head, along with a large gin and tonic and a left over mince pie.  Love Carol x 

Today has been distressing and we are both in a bad place.  He rang me at 9am after his botched blood transfusion to say he couldn't see, couldn't breathe and he was done for, please hang up I said I'll call the ward.  I did this and the person who answered the phone listened to me relaying Norman's conversation, do you know what she said, I'm sorry there's no visiting at the moment, I know that I never asked to see him he is obviously distressed and upset, you can't see him she repeats, by this time I was even more upset so I asked her to stop telling me I couldn't visit and to go and visit him herself as he said he could not breathe, don't talk to me like that she said, I'm sorry but my husband has just called and said he is dying how do you expect me to behave, she hung up on me.  I rang back, same person, she laughed at me when I said we'd lost connection, he's not dying she says and laughed again.  Dave and Anne took me to the hospital so I could drop some clean clothes off and a newspaper, I had only just got back in the car when Norman rang me, he said that the nurse had told him I'd been rude to her, he started shouting and swearing at me and saying thanks very much I'm now the bad guy in the nursing staffs eyes.  I was so embarrassed and Ann and Dave were so upset about it all, I hung up and he called me back, so I didn't answer.  What sort of nursing staff tell their patients who have been given a death warrant that their wife had upset them!  I've spent all afternoon on my own, I'm not telling my daughter's what is happening it's too awful for them.  7pm.he rang me again, he had no knowledge of what had gone before, his speech is slurred and another person has died on his ward, the third up to now.  I love you he says, the doctor has been and said they will keep me comfortable as they can't do anything else, I know I said, that's what they want to do when you come home, am I coming home, really, is that true, I love you he says, I'll call you tomorrow.  My head is throbbing, I've had to force food down my throat because I have a hard long road ahead of me.  Take care of yourself all of you out there, I think of you all regularly, Billy are things settling down a little bit?  I'm going to bed, I've had enough of today.  Carol x 

Morning my dear carol.

So sorry the way things are going for you and Norman, especially that nurse and her attitude towards you and stirring it with Norman and you there's no need for any of it . especially with you being so worried about him . 

 im still not right but better than a month ago, really glad about drop in meds,    was at dr's yesterday and going to hospital today for blood test as it's special test Dr's don't do it ,. Then eight days and another blood test I'm averaging 16 Tests a year now. But cancer is keeping low for now .

 Brenda is keeping warm and sleeping more lately, she's more aches and pains so doing less exercise (worried about that) , still loves her shower before bed really glad we got wet room done and the lift really helps us both .

Hope you are keeping well,.  hope you can get things sorted with hospital and what's going on and what's going to be done about it .

Be thinking of you and Norman and sending love to you both .

Love Billy xxxx

Oh Carol,

I wish there were words to help, but for once, mine fail me. I can only say my thoughts and love go out to you at this time. I am in tears as I write this, as it is so unfair that you get this after five years of caring for Norman. I hope you get him home soon, with appropriate support so you can, at least, control what Norman is told. 

Love and all good wishes ( if I were religious I would say prayers)

Christine xxx

Hi Carol,

I'm new here, just at the start of my cancer journey with my darling husband who was diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer back in July last year. I looked on here to get some much needed support as it's so dire! I have read your whole blog and you are indeed inspirational Carol - I just hope I can stay as strong as you have been. I felt compelled to write something after reading your blog from yesterday, it is beyond my comprehension how someone becomes a nurse who is as uncaring as the one you encountered on the phone yesterday, it left me in tears that she could be so insensitive so goodness knows how you must have felt. I just wanted to reach out and send you some virtual hugs - I hope that things will improve for you soon and that you get your Norman home with you. Sending love to you both from Thelma xx